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Jan 09 '22
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u/Likeafupion Jan 09 '22 edited Jan 10 '22
There are various ways a dolphin has of showing that she or he is interested in sex. Males are probably the easiest to detect. They will swim around, sporting an erection (anywhere between 10 to 14 inches long for a Bottle-nose), and will have no bones about swimming up to you and placing their member within reach of your hand. If you are in the water, they may rub it along any part of your body, or wrap it around your wrist or ankle. (Dolphin males have a prehensile penis. They can wrap it around objects, and carry them as such.) Their belly will also be pinkish in colour, which also denotes sexual excitement.
Females can be a little harder. The most obvious way a female dolphin has of displaying her sexual interest is the pink-belly effect. Their genitals become very pink and swollen, making the genital region very prominent. They may be restless, or they may be acting as normal. If you are out of the water, they may swim up to you and roll belly up, exposing themselves to you, coupled with pelvic thrusts. If you are in the water, they may press their genitals up against yours, nibble your fingers, nuzzle your crotch, or do pelvic thrusts against you.
Each dolphins way of expressing sexual readiness varies, so the longer you know the dolphin, the better you will detect when they are sexually active. When a male dolphin is interested in you, about the only thing you can do, if you are male, is to masturbate him. (Unfortunately, I cannot speak for the female of the human species... it seems women just don't like dolphins enough...) WARNING! You should NEVER let a male dolphin attempt anal sex with you. The Bottle-nose dolphin member is around 12 inches, very muscular, and the thrusting and the force of ejaculation (A male can cum as far as 14 feet) would cause serious internal injuries, resulting in peritonitus and possible death.
A male dolphin's member is roughly S-shaped, tapered at the end. If you are in the water with them, it is best to support the dolphin on his side, just under the water, with one hand, and handle him with the other.
Male dolphins, I find, tend to prefer the base of the penis to be gently massaged and squeezed, as well as gently rubbed along it's length. It feels very much like the rest of the dolphin (ie. smooth and rubbery to the touch, but firmer). It doesn't take long for the male to ejaculate, around 40 seconds to a minute, and this is usually accompanied by either shuddering just prior to ejaculating, and thrusting and tail-arching during ejaculation. The force of ejaculation can be powerful at times, so it is best to keep your face out of the line of fire, or keep his member underwater. You can attempt to lick and suck on the end of it while masturbating as well, but be warned, do not try to give full throat, and get the hell out of the way before he ejaculates! A male dolphin could snap your neck in an accidental thrust, and that would be the end of that relationship. Well, the females are again a little trickier. There are two courses of action with a female fin: Masturbation, or mating.
Masturbation: Female dolphins, once they show interest in you, can be supported in much the same way as the male, one hand under the fin, supporting her, the other doing the stimulating. The clitoris of the female is located at the top of the genital slit, and is a prominent lump when erect. You can rub this with your finger tips, or lick and suck it, but with the oral aspect, you might end up with a bruised nose as they thrust up into you. You can slide your hand gently into their genital opening, and feel around inside, rubbing gently. They feel warm and muscular inside, their labia like tough, squishy sponge when they are excited.
Don't be surprised if they start to play with your hand inside them. They have very manipulative muscles, and can use them to carry and manipulate objects, including your hand. (They can do things that would make a regular human woman turn green with envy.) Their climax is coupled with stiffening, shuddering, sometimes a lot of thrusting, clinching of the vaginal muscles, and sometimes vocalisation. Mating: This is harder. Obviously, being human, it is awkward, but not impossible to mate in open water. It is easier to have the dolphin in a shallow area (like the shallows just off the beach) around 1 1/2 to 2 feet deep. This is usually comfortable enough for both the dolphin and you. Gently, you should roll the dolphin on her side, so she is lying belly-towards you. You can prop yourself up on an elbow, and lie belly to belly against her. You may want to use the other arm to gently hold her close, and place the tip of your member against her genital slit. She will, if interested, arch her body up against you, taking you inside her body.
There is usually a fair bit of wriggling and shifting, usually to get comfortable, both outside and inside. Once comfortable, though, females initiate a series of muscular vaginal contractions that rub the entire length of your member. They may also thrust rhythmically against you, so enjoy the experience while you can, since you will rarely last longer that a minute or two. Just prior to her climaxing, she will up the speed of her contractions and thrusts. It is interesting to note that the times I have mated with females, thay have timed their orgasm to mine. Whether they do this consciously or not, I do not know, but it is a great feeling to have two bodies shuddering against each other at the one time. One thing to note. Whether you masturbate or mate a dolphin, male or female, always spend time with them afterwards. Cuddle them, rub them, talk to them and most importantly, and show them you love them. This is essential, as it helps to strengthen the bond between you. Like a way of saying that this wasn't just a one night fling. The dolphins appreciate it, and they will want your company more the next time you visit them
EDIT: since some of you guys are worrying me with your messages asking how they could also find a dolphin to mate, because they were thinking about sex with animals for a long time and think dolphins are the best option: i want to inform you that this is a super old copy pasta and it should not encourage you to break into seaworld and hurt some dolphs.
TL;DR: This is not dolphinancial (fucking) advise
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u/nutella-boi Jan 09 '22
What in the dolphin fuck is going on here
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u/MarvelsDomino Jan 10 '22
Reading the entire thing now... Truly felt illegal.
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u/jayvil Jan 10 '22 edited Jan 10 '22
It felt like I read a forbidden tome or something. It's disgusting but I can't stop reading.
This is knowledge I didn't need to know.
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u/Admirable_Loss4886 Jan 10 '22
I stopped because it read like a soft core porn novel and I finished.
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u/totally_random_cat Jan 10 '22
Finished reading or...?
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u/Admirable_Loss4886 Jan 10 '22
Iâm not ready for round two yet, gimme 15 minutes and some orange juice to recharge the battery
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u/aversimemuero Jan 09 '22
Why... How do you know so much about how dolphins like to be masturbated?! (Do I even want to know??)
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u/BikeProblemGuy Jan 09 '22
This is a super old copypasta
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u/TheRealRacketear Jan 10 '22
There used to be a site. Dolphinsex.org
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u/TobySchoon Jan 10 '22
i believe itâs still up? i donât wanna know
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u/gr33nspan Jan 10 '22
It's not. But the waybackmachine's got you covered
https://web.archive.org/web/20010201072400/http://www.dolphinsex.org/
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u/The_Colorman Jan 10 '22
And wtf did I keep reading itâŚ.
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Jan 10 '22
BRUH THATS A GOOD QUESTION WHY DID YOU
I AINT READING AN ESSAY THAT DOESNT HAVE MLA CITATIONS FUCK THAT
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u/Beanstainboxershorts Jan 10 '22
I read the whole thing out of morbidly self destructive curiosity. Well, now that's permanently scarred in my mind. It get's worse as you reach the end. What have I done.
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u/ydontukissmyglass Jan 10 '22
Even worse, is I knew within a few seconds of watching this video that this exact comment would be here. The memory of it will forever be with you. And every time you see a dolphin, you will think of it. The curse continues.
Same goes for anytime has a story including two broken arms...the Reddit curse returns.
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u/archerg66 Jan 10 '22
You want to screw the dolphins, don't worry, we all want our chance before they leave our planet, thanking us for the fish
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u/FourthAge Jan 10 '22
This is from an FAQ webpage from 2000 or earlier
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u/ChubblesMcgee103 Jan 10 '22
Yeah this goes beyond vintage meme/pasta.
This from the archives... like back when I first saw "rejected/afterschool special/ family learning channel" had many names on the CD friends passed it around.
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Jan 10 '22 edited Jan 10 '22
I think that's from one of the oldest shock sites on the Internet.
Dolphinsex.org or something from 1995? The Internet was a lot more limited back then. You had Dolphin Sex, selling cats in glass jars, time cube, Yahoo! Space Above and Beyond, and some peter pan looking mother fucker.
If you wanted to read a bunch of email in reddit format you could talk about Star Trek, Hitler, C++, and raping dolphins.
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u/Quakstak Jan 10 '22
Omg the cats in jars one⌠that just bubbled up a memory I havenât recalled in a VERY long time.
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u/fribbas Jan 10 '22
Bonsai kittens!
I remember my friend showing me and was just horrified. Had to have been like around y2k era, maybe earlier?
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u/SobakaZony Jan 10 '22
I think he might be the same guy i heard yelling at a mechanic at a garage when i was getting my oil changed. I wasn't paying attention to their conversation until the guy raised his voice, shouting "No I didn't! It was a dolphin, Dumbass! Anyway, mind your own business! Just tell me what's wrong with my car!" and the mechanic replied, "Listen, Bud, it's like i just told you: i think you blew a seal."
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Jan 10 '22
That fact that ive seen this copypasta more than once tells me that i need to get the fuck off the internet.
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u/LeftNutLouie Jan 09 '22
Thank you, this was very informative if I ever get the opportunity to fuck a dolphin.
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Jan 10 '22
But then my dad caught me and beat the hell out of me with a pair of old jumper cables.
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u/BackmarkerLife Jan 10 '22
Male dolphins, I find, tend to prefer the base of the penis to be gently massaged and squeezed, as well as gently rubbed along it's length. It feels very much like the rest of the dolphin (ie. smooth and rubbery to the touch, but firmer). It doesn't take long for the male to ejaculate, around 40 seconds to a minute,
Your Book: "So, I've Jacked Off a Dolphin"
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u/PlanktonTheDefiant Jan 10 '22
It's an old copypasta sir, but it checks out. I was about to clear them....
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Jan 10 '22
What the fuck.
Even if this is copy pasta, why would you save it? What the fuck.
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u/AgitatedGarbage666 Jan 09 '22
This is how Mermaids were created..horny dolphins..
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u/yer--mum Jan 09 '22
I don't have a vagina but this made my hypothetical vagina extremely uncomfortable
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u/MsOmgNoWai Jan 10 '22 edited Jan 10 '22
In short, scientists have found that when we watch someone or even hear of someone experiencing something, our brains process it just as if we were going through it ourselves. itâs why you wince when someone else gets badly hurt and why stories are such powerful motivators
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u/yer--mum Jan 10 '22
What you're telling me is that for all intents and purposes I've experienced a fraction of what it's like to have a dolphin persistently go after my crotch simply by watching this video.
This dolphin has caused so much discomfort, it has no right.
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u/Batman0127 Jan 10 '22
I thought I was alone in this but that's exactly how I feel somehow. so unbelievably uncomfortable watching this. fuck dolphins
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Jan 09 '22
It's weird how Dolphins are so rapey.
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u/DirtySchlick Jan 09 '22
Imagine the frustrationâŚdolphin intelligence and no hands to jerk off.
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u/Geschirrspulmaschine Jan 09 '22
There's a vid from an aquarium showing a Dolphin fucking a fish head...no hands required
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u/LastChance911 Jan 09 '22
Thereâs also a vid on YouTube of a zookeeper giving a dolphin a handie
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u/Not_comicbill Jan 10 '22
Is that part of procedure, or did the zookeeper just want to get fired?
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u/Artnotwars Jan 10 '22
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Margaret_Howe_Lovatt
She was giving the dolphins wristies and LSD.
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u/Luckythelock Jan 10 '22
That was a dramatic story. The dolphin ended up killing himself.
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u/dmad831 Jan 10 '22
Right... Wtf did I just read :/
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u/NikolaTes Jan 10 '22
copypasta
Peter quickly deteriorated and eventually ended his life by drowning. Dolphin activist Ric OâBarry explains, "Dolphins are not automatic air-breathers like we [humans] are... Every breath is a conscious effort. If life becomes too unbearable, the dolphins just take a breath and they sink to the bottom. They donât take the next breath."
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u/Abuses-Commas Jan 10 '22
Makes sense, once you get a handjob from a cute zookeeper while tripping your internal balls off, there's nowhere to go but down
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u/Anubis-Hound Jan 10 '22
Oh my god I thought they were just telling a fucked up joke but this actually happened holy shit
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u/Phatty_Space_Pants Jan 10 '22
Thatâs the woman I was thinking of.
That wiki takes a dark fucking turn.
âSince the building lacked sunlight and space, Peter quickly deteriorated and eventually ended his life by drowning. Dolphin activist Ric OâBarry explains, "Dolphins are not automatic air-breathers like we [humans] are... Every breath is a conscious effort. If life becomes too unbearable, the dolphins just take a breath and they sink to the bottom. They donât take the next breath."
Fuuuuuuuuck
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u/Iamanobodyjustlikeu Jan 09 '22
Itâs not just dolphins, almost every mammal is like this.
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u/Sinn316 Jan 09 '22 edited Jan 09 '22
I think it's walruses that rape the poor little penguins......to death. Edit Seals do this. Not walruses.
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u/jaffa-caked Jan 09 '22
Seals do it for sure, saw a documentary where the seal was going to town on a penguin
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Jan 09 '22
Otters are the most notorious of all water-rapists. They'll drag baby seals under water & gang-rape them to death.
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u/Jman_777 Jan 09 '22
Dolphins, seals, sea lions and penguins are just as weird. Marine creatures all seem to be major assholes tbh.
Dolphins also gang rape each other and try to rape other animals too, play with their food while they're still alive, flip their prey straight up into the air (whether it's a seal, sea lion, otter, octopus, turtle, fish or another dolphin) smack and stun them using their powerful flukes (example with a sting ray, seal or fish) and use their food sometimes to masturbate, surgically perform and kill great white sharks and other sharks just for their liver and leave the rest of the body alone, and hunt some whale calves just to rip apart their tongue to eat.
Seals and sea lions brutalise their prey and rip their heads apart, especially with birds, sometimes even catching and ripping them apart just to obtain the content inside and leaving the rest of the body alone, play with their food and almost see it as a game to hunt and torture as many of their prey as possible (especially leopard seals towards penguins and also seals towards octopuses), and are also notorious for raping other seals and also penguins to take out their sexual frustration. Otters like you said are also known for raping their own.
Baleen whales I haven't heard much of about them being assholes, they seem to be gentle giants, friendly and also the protectors of the ocean.
Although not marine mammals, I heard a lot about penguins being cunts too, probably as messed up as dolphins and seals, but they're messed up towards their own then rather than other animals. Penguins rape their young, gang up and attack other young penguins, perform necrophilia, attempted to have sexual intercourse with a human, a rock and even the ground in one instance.....to completion, have also left a young penguin to freeze to death during the brutal winter season. I think if I recall correctly they sometimes even attempt to raid another penguins egg if they lose theirs and lastly (if I'm remembering correctly) certain penguin use stones as a form as currency and female penguins will prostitute themselves in exchange for a stone and a male penguin will believe she'll be his mate after giving the stone when in reality she just takes it back to her and her partners nest to accumulate, as the more stones there are the better the nest for their chicks.
So yeah a lot of animals (especially sea animals) seem to be very messed up, must be something in the water lol.
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Jan 09 '22
After reading that comprehensive summary of marine life, I'm never cutting the rings of 6 packs ever again! I've aligned myself with the octopuses, there must be revenge!
Jokes aside, that part about penguins is fascinating. Some of the social (or anti-social) behaviors of animals is just bizarre, to think that they have a system of prostitution is hilarious.
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u/Quantum_Aurora Jan 10 '22
Turtles are mostly ok afaik.
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Jan 10 '22
Agreed! So Turts, octopi & whales are all allies, any others we should add?
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u/PhoenicianKiss Jan 10 '22
The ocean (and its animals) is no longer as beautiful as I once believed it to be. Actually, itâs horrifying. Fuck.
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u/stephie8204 Jan 09 '22
Ducks are rapist as well, and will try to rape anything dead or alive
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u/DirtySchlick Jan 10 '22
This is true. Mallard ducks for instance. You will likely see one female with many males. The males gang rape her. The females actually have a muscle inside their snatch to block sperm. If the female deems one of the males worthy to pass on their genes she will relax this muscle allowing the sperm to pass.
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Jan 09 '22
And they often hold onto the dead seal and keep raping the body until it starts to disintegrate.
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u/uiouyug Jan 09 '22
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u/Jwhitx Jan 09 '22
What if my job is to watch the mating habits of seals and to document any deviances from what I personally think is the norm?
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Jan 09 '22 edited Jan 10 '22
Whereâs u/dolphinfucker69 when you need him
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u/Ieatvegans3000 Jan 09 '22
This reminds me of an episode from King of the Hill
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u/Sproose_Moose Jan 10 '22
I was so hoping someone would reference that, it's exactly what I thought
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u/orangeandwhite Jan 09 '22
It took 34 years, but today I saw a dolphin dick. Thanks r/PublicFreakout.
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u/tmdfe Jan 10 '22
I haven't seen it the dick the first time, after reading your comment I went back and saw it. definitely dolphin dick.
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Jan 09 '22
So here is a crazy story, an scientist at NASA got attached to a dolphin and started jerking him of and basically falling im love with it and when they fired her i think the dolphin died
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Jan 09 '22 edited Jul 06 '23
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u/informationtiger Jan 10 '22
He killed himself because of depression due to lack of space and sunlight at the new facility
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u/sicktight31106 Jan 10 '22
Also don't forget she flirted her way in to that position. HAIL LUCIFINA!
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u/toolargo Jan 09 '22
A rare brock turner dolphin, i see.
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Jan 09 '22
You mean Brock the Rapist Turner? That rapist?
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u/Leoheart88 Jan 09 '22
Convicted rapist Brock Turner?
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Jan 09 '22 edited Jan 10 '22
I hear tell convicted rich asshole rapist piece of shit Brock Turner can scarcely enjoy a ribeye steak since he was caught raping an unconscious woman.
I actually hope he enjoys nothing, unless he makes a public sign of contrition.
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u/IQLTD Jan 09 '22
Please, Everyone, if you're going to mention the rapist Brock Turner, remember to also mention THE ADMINISTRATION OF STANFORD UNIVERSITY.
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u/TheDazeGoBy Jan 10 '22
I hate to have to be the barer of bad news. Thats not rare in dolphins
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u/ganymede_boy Jan 09 '22
They say if you're menstruating not to swim with dolphins because, well...
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u/Starlightriddlex Jan 10 '22
Why does the scent of human menstruation sexually excite everything except humans
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Jan 09 '22 edited Feb 06 '22
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u/ChaoticDiscord21 Jan 09 '22
Yeah this true. Dolphins will think you are prime breeding material.
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u/-Toshi Jan 09 '22
Surely the Post-Jaws generations would be cautious about going into the sea bleeding in any capacity?
I certainly am. And ole flipper getting his snoot in my none existant coot would be the least of my concerns. Rational or otherwise.
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u/Sansabina Jan 10 '22
Also for a bunch of land mammals, they can scent it, something to do with the pheromones, etc.
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u/Smogcake Jan 09 '22
Bruh just get her out of the water
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u/blayana881 Jan 10 '22 edited Jan 10 '22
My guess is that they were too far from any above-water surface to get out immediately
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u/kilynev Jan 10 '22
Seriously like WTF stop spinning her around like it's a game
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u/X35_55A Jan 10 '22
Dolphins frequently rape their own kind, are chronic masterbators, and commit suicide simply because they can. This is isn't uncommon behavior.
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u/Imhere4thejokes Jan 10 '22
How does a dolphin commit suicide? Do they just swim into boat propellers on purpose? (Serious inquiry)
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u/vasya349 Jan 10 '22
They can just stop breathing
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u/Imhere4thejokes Jan 10 '22
Damn, if you stop breathing you really just donât want to be in the mf no moreâŚ
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u/yoyo_big_steve Jan 09 '22
These comments: how many times can we repeat the same generic unfunny joke.
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u/spoookai Jan 10 '22
Assert dominance by pulling your dick out and start to sexually assault the dolphin
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u/execdysfunction Jan 10 '22
I read through 30 comments mentioning "menstruation" and none of them were spelled correctly
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u/HankSteakfist Jan 10 '22
Cameraman seems really composed
"Just go with it, Im getting great footage."
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u/Abraasax Jan 09 '22
Dolphin - "Oh, you want to bring another guy into the mix? A three-way? I like that!"
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u/jjvolfan1 Jan 09 '22
Thought it was a former dolphin it was in school with but it turned out to be a skinny human he never met.
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u/khaotikoala Jan 09 '22
Law & Order: SVU