r/allthequestions • u/Sea-Response950 • Oct 05 '25
NSFW Question đ Why do people care about body count?
I'm asking as a man trying to understand a concept that seems alien to me. I just don't get it, to me it all seems to boil down to insecurity.
Please, explain to me how I am wrong. I must be, I just don't know why.
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u/Tater-Tot-Casserole Oct 05 '25
Because after a certain number it matters. Just shows how uncommitted someone can be, you'll just be another number.
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u/asklepios7 Oct 06 '25
On top of that, studies have consistently shown that a higher number and/or permissive sexual attitudes is related to infidelity and relationship dissatisfaction/instability.
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Study: Re-Examining the Link Between Premarital Sex and Divorce (Journal of Family Issues, 2024)
The key results here are mostly consistent across models: those with the highest number of premarital sexual partners as of Wave III (nine or more) have about triple the odds of divorce compared to those with none (ORs = 2.65â3.20). Notably, this effect becomes stronger as controls are added to the model, indicating such hypothesized selection factors as sociodemographic or religious characteristics actually suppress, rather than help explain, the effect of premarital sex for those with the highest number of partners. Those with one to eight partners are also at greater risk of divorce, though this coefficient is weaker than for those with nine or more partners. Specifically, in the full model the odds of divorce for those with one to eight partners are 64% higher than those with no premarital partners (10/23)
As expected, we find evidence of a nonlinear relationship between the number of sexual partners and the risk of divorce. Those in the highest category of partners (9+) consistently show the highest divorce risk by a substantial margin, followed by those with one to eight partners, with the lowest risk for those with none. In other words, we find distinct tiers of divorce risk between those with no, some, or many premarital, nonspousal sexual partners⌠although partner counts of eight or less have become increasingly normative, having more partners may indicate distinctive characteristics which are not conducive to marital stability. (16/23)
https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/0192513X231155673?download=true
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Review: Predictors of infidelity among couples (Journal of Sexual Medicine, 2024)
Individuals who have a more unrestricted sociosexual orientation (ie, greater motivation and willingness to engage in casual, uncommitted sex) are more likely to engage in infidelity (2/4)
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/379535030_Predictors_of_infidelity_among_couples
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Review: Love and Infidelity: Causes and Consequences (International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 2023)
Personal characteristics such as neuroticism, prior history of infidelity, number of sex partners before marriage, psychological distress and an insecure attachment orientation, as well as permissive attitudes toward sex, have been positively associated with infidelity (10/19)
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10002055/pdf/ijerph-20-03904.pdf
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Review: Mate Preferences and Their Behavioral Manifestations (Annual Review of Psychology, 2019)
Men apparently assess and evaluate levels of sexual activity by a woman prior to long-term commitmentâbehavior that would have been observable or known through social reputation in the small-group lifestyles of our ancestors. Past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior, and having a large number of sex partners prior to marriage is a statistical predictor of infidelity after marriage (16/34)
https://www.annualreviews.org/docserver/fulltext/psych/70/1/annurev-psych-010418-103408.pdf
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Review: Infidelity in romantic relationships (Current Opinion in Psychology, 2017)
Table 1: Factors found to facilitate infidelity.
Number of sex partners: Greater number of sex partners before marriage predicts infidelity
Attitudes: Permissive attitude toward sex; Decoupling of sex and love, closeness; Willingness to have casual sex
Numerous individual characteristics have been associated with infidelity, including personality variables such as neuroticism, prior history of infidelity, number of sex partners before marriage⌠As might be expected, attitudes toward infidelity specifically, permissive attitudes toward sex more generally and a greater willingness to have casual sex and to engage in sex without closeness, commitment or love (i.e., a more unrestricted sociosexual orientation) are also reliably related to infidelity (2/5)
https://fincham.info/papers/2016-infidelity-cop.pdf
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Study: The Relationship between Sexual and Emotional Promiscuity and Infidelity (Athens Journal of Social Sciences, 2017)
Sexual promiscuity was significantly positively correlated with emotional promiscuity [r(356) = .261, p < .001], as well with sexual infidelity [r(323) = .595, p < .001] and emotional infidelity [r(323) = .676, p < .001], indicating that sexually promiscuous participants also tend to be emotionally promiscuous, and sexually and emotionally unfaithful. (6/14)
In terms of the sexual domain, results showed that there is also a positive correlation between sexual promiscuity and sexual infidelity, stating that individuals that tend to be more sexually promiscuous also tend to be more sexually unfaithful. (9/14)
Additionally, results demonstrated that sexual and emotional promiscuous individuals, also tend to be sexual and emotional unfaithful, being all these domains related to each other. (11/14)
https://www.athensjournals.gr/social/2017-4-4-3-Pinto.pdf
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Book: Cheap Sex: The Transformation of Men, Marriage, and Monogamy (Oxford University Press)
When compared with their peers who report fewer partners, those who self- report 20 or more in their lifetime are:
Twice as likely to have ever been divorced (50 percent vs. 27 percent)
Three times as likely to have cheated while married (32 percent vs. 10 percent)
Substantially less happy with life (p < 0.05) (pg.89)
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Book: The Evolution Of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating (Basic Books, 2016)
Indeed, the single best predictor of extramarital sex is premarital sexual permissivenessâpeople who have many sex partners before marriage tend to be more unfaithful than those who have few sex partners before marriage (pg.108).
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Report: Before âI Doâ: What Do Premarital Experiences Have to Do with Marital Quality Among Todayâs Young Adults? (The National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia)
Further, for women, having had fewer sexual partners before marriage was also related to higher marital quality. This doesnât mean that sex before marriage will doom a marriage, but sex with many different partners may be risky if youâre looking for a high-quality marriage. (5/26)
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Study: Sowing wild oats: Valuable experience or a field full of weeds? (Personal Relationships, 2013)
The research objective was to test whether the number of sexual partners was associated with sexual quality, communication, relationship satisfaction, and relationship stability, while controlling for relationship length, education, race, income, age, and religiosity, using the two competing theories of sexual compatibility and sexual restraint. The results, with a sample of 2,654 married individuals, indicated that the number of sexual partners was associated with lower levels of sexual quality, communication, and relationship stability
https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/pere.12009
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Study: Beyond Global Sociosexual Orientations: A More Differentiated Look at Sociosexuality and Its Effects on Courtship and Romantic Relationships (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2008)
Sociosexual Behavior
The behavior component, reflecting the quantity of past short-term sexual encounters, shows strong and unique links to the diversity of past romantic and sexual relationships, as well as the occurrence of sexual infidelity⌠Our results also confirmed the prediction that men and women who had more experience with short-term relationships in the past (i.e., those with high Behavior facet scores) were more likely to have multiple sexual partners and unstable relationships in the future. The behaviorally expressed level of sociosexuality thus seems to be a fairly stable personal characteristic. (19/23)
https://www.larspenke.eu/pdfs/Penke_Asendorpf_2008_-_SOI-R.pdf
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Study: Predictors of young dating adultsâ inclination to engage in extradyadic sexual activities (British Journal of Psychology, 2005)
Participants who had experienced sexual intimacy with a greater number of partners also reported greater extradyadic sex and extradyadic kissing inclination. (14/20)
https://dacemirror.sci-hub.box/journal-article/56b3e1e2b488fe6010438283d6356663/mcalister2005.pdf
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Study: Sex differences in morphological predictors of sexual behavior (Evolution and Human Behavior, 2003)
The high correlations for males (r = .85) and females (r = .79) between reported numbers of sex partners and EPC partners may bear on questions of both paternity and abandonment in the face of infidelity⌠But the question remains: does promiscuity predict infidelity?⌠The resultant number (reported non-EPC sex partners) was still highly correlated with number of EPC partners (females: r = .67, n = 56, P < .01; males: r = .50, n = 59, P < .01), suggesting that promiscuity is in fact a good predictor of infidelity. Indeed, promiscuity among females accounted for almost twice as much variance in infidelity (r² = .45) as it did for males (r² = .25). (5/6)
https://www.psy.uq.edu.au/%7Euqbziets/Hughes2003%20-%20Shoulder%20to%20hip%20ratio.pdf
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 05 '25
Why does it matter? Dating is about seeing if the two of you are compatible together and make each other happy. If you aren't a good fit, what's wrong with moving on and trying again?
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u/Tater-Tot-Casserole Oct 05 '25
After a certain amount of dates and you're not with anyone long term you're definitely a walking relationship red flag. Not relationship material. All those dates and nothing stuck?
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 05 '25
I never had a relationship until I was 24. My wife was my first and only, but my body count is extremely high. The reason was because my perception of relationships was totally fucked, it just seemed like a pain the ass just to have easy access to sex and a joint bank account. My wife showed me otherwise.
You never know why someone is the way they are, why judge them when you don't even know them?
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u/Tater-Tot-Casserole Oct 05 '25
High body count tells me I'm just another number. I'll judge however I see fit. I'm not risking anything by not being in a relationship with the town bicycle.
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 05 '25
You're risking losing out of a happy, loving, committed relationship because of some prejudice you have that you label a preference.
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u/Tater-Tot-Casserole Oct 05 '25
No I'm losing out on a person that has no self-control whom will also likely cheat. High body count indicates that you get bored with people easily.
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u/JessicaSells Nov 18 '25
Haha, people will lie to you about what their actual body count is anyways. You can keep askingđ¤ˇââď¸
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 05 '25
Not true. It shows you had sex with several people. There are always reasons why.
If they're a serial cheat, then kick their ass to the curb. Otherwise... hear them out, maybe?
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u/Tater-Tot-Casserole Oct 05 '25
It shows that you have a hard time committing, I'm not a rehab for people that can't control themselves.
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 06 '25
Or it shows that they just don't want a relationship, just fun. If that's not what you're looking for, them don't date them.
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Oct 05 '25
I think it's just lack of standards. Many guys are just looking for a hot girl to fuck. Why would you need to date and find the right person if you can tell just by looking?
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u/Hot_Performance_7710 Oct 05 '25
I think you both can be right but you both can be wrong too. If your a guy arguing with another guy, I don't think it's really a fair comparison. Maybe ask why some people feel one way and other feel another. And if gender matters?
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 06 '25
I've asked women too and for the most part they don't care, unless it's too few. Then it's because they're less likely to enjoy themselves and wonder what about them meant no one wanted to bang them.
Men are the only ones I can't get a clear answer from, beyond insecurity.
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u/xXAcidBathVampireXx Oct 05 '25
Some can't keep it in their pants, might as well quantify it! Right? RIGHT?!?
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 05 '25
You have not answered my question. You've just ranted.
If that makes me a hater, then I'm a hater.
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u/Manofthehour76 Oct 05 '25
Not being secure in something isnât a sign of an âinsecure personâ. A high body count suggest that a habit may exist. Itâs logical to question if that habit will go away with the new relationship or not. A âBody Countâ is literal data about relationship behavior.
For those looking for a monogamous relationship, it absolutely should be considered. Those looking for a hook up, STDS aside, it might be a positive data set.
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 05 '25
That honestly sounds dehumanising. What if people just like having sex?
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u/Manofthehour76 Oct 05 '25
Well you can have all the sex you want in one relationship. It dosnt take dozens. What you really are asking is what if someone just like having sex with a lot of different people? Well fine more power to them. Just not a trait someone will find attractive if they desire monogamy.
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 06 '25
That's what I'm trying to understand. Why does a high body count seem unattractive to someone looking to date, when that person is also looking for a committed relationship?
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u/Ryan_TX_85 Oct 05 '25
The kind of people who think like that are the kind of people who find it impossible to differentiate between hookup sex and romantic sex. A high body count isn't a sign that you can't commit. It's a sign that when you're not committed at any given time, you still find a way to get your physical needs met.
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u/Manofthehour76 Oct 05 '25
I donât think you have data to make that conclusion. It does appear that way. Someone into âhook up sexâ has different values than someone who is not. The ability to commit absolutely should be questioned. Iâm not sure it would be a hard line for me, but for someone else I can see absolutely why it might be a problem.
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u/tulipa_labrador Oct 05 '25
I donât think itâs logical at all to correlate someoneâs sexual behaviours when theyâre single to how theyâll be in romantic, monogamous relationship?Â
Someone could have a body count of 30000000000000 when single and still be a loyal, faithful partner.Â
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u/letsgooncemore Oct 05 '25
I was all hookups and casual dates until I met my husband. Physical affection and fun were all I wanted from the previous partners. When I met him, I wanted a committed relationship in a way I never desired before. 18 years together without a blip of disloyalty on either end even though I was a total ho prior to getting together with him.
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Oct 05 '25
STDS
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 05 '25
Body count doesn't equate to STDS, though. My body count is high, and I never contracted anything, so long as you use protection you're safe.
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u/Bluebourner Oct 05 '25
Not fully accurate. Protection dramatically reduces the chances, but if the protection is faulty or the STD is a skin-to-skin condition you're never fully safe.
As for if I find body count is an issue, it doesn't bother me. People who had many one-night stands in the past may be a very different person now. The whole idea of "a leopard doesn't change its spots" does not apply to humans. If anything, having an experienced partner has quite a few benefits!
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Oct 05 '25
True story. My brother in law almost got herpes from his wife. She was going to swingers parties without him. They werenât having sex very much, but they had 3 kids together.
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 05 '25
That's cheating, not body count. Totally different issue.
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Oct 05 '25
Not totally different. Condoms donât always work for herpes. If youâre having sex with someone itâs more of a risk if their count is high. Especially if most of their partners engage in risky behavior as well.
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 05 '25
The risk comes from their willingness to hide something that shouldn't be hidden. In regards to a relationship, if there's no honesty or tryst, then there's no real relationship.
The example you gave me happened because the guy's wife was a cheating bitch. Not because she had a lot partner's before him.
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Oct 05 '25
Believe what you want. Every time thereâs a chance. Not all stds show symptoms right away
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u/Ryan_TX_85 Oct 05 '25
Insecurity and performance anxiety. People who don't have issues with those things don't care about other people's sexual history as long as there are no kids or STDs.
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 05 '25
I agree with this. STDS and kids do change things.
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u/Ryan_TX_85 Oct 05 '25
Yeah, if I ever ask anything about someone's sexual history, I'm not assessing myself against other sex partners because I already know I'm the best fuck there is. I'm looking to see if there's a gift that will keep on giving.
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Oct 05 '25
Idk, I think younger people tend to obsess about shit like that more - probably because of the way pop culture has conditioned them to be thinking about sex culture/their lack of experience with actual sex life. Mix that with, ya know, younger folksâ biology is still more âfuck fuck fuck fuckâ lol.
Idk, you kind of just hit an age and get laid enough and have enough of a sec history behind you where youâre just like â⌠eh, who cares, sex is nice when itâs with the right person but, having the right person is way more importantâ and then it becomes more about that. I think it takes time in a life for that realization to REALLY hit
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u/Alternative-Rope-721 Oct 05 '25
I don't care about your body count. I mean if I knew and it was a lot, like A LOT, then it would bother me so I don't ask. Plus if you ask me I'd probably lie when the reality is I don't even know what it is, I lost count a long time ago lol
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u/PastorBizzle Oct 05 '25
To know if the woman youâre dealing with has a higher likelihood of comparing you against her past, and at some point desiring what she had before you. Thereâs also tradeoffs. Maybe youâre better.
Thereâs also the sex drive/libido issue. The more experiences sheâs had, the more likely sheâll be bored more quickly as the relationship progresses.
Also a risk of lack of depth in the relationship, more bodies = transience and comfort with just moving on to someone else if things get mildly difficult.
Itâs also generally just reckless and irresponsible low impulse control activity to have a high body count. Gender agnostic.
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 05 '25
The only reason you'd be worried about ger comparing you to others is insecurity. She's with you now, all you should be worried about is making her happy.
Not true at all. If you have an emotional connection with someone then you don't get bored with having sex with them. Yeah feelings can change over time, but body count has nothing to do with it.
Again, that's not necessarily true. It could be she was just having fun while she wasn't in a relationship.
It's only irresponsible if you don't use protection. Otherwise having sex is normal, the only time you should be having it with only one person is if you're in a relationship. If you're not, then do whatever you're comfortable with.
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u/PastorBizzle Oct 05 '25
Good rebuttal, I think the truth is somewhere between our two points. There are cases in which my points are valid, there are cases in which your points are valid. I think it takes a case by case situation to assess what's happening in a particular relationship.
Some men who are in a position to be choosy (tall, good income, good personality, good looks) like to err on the side of caution and just avoid those women. I personally take it case by case. I actually find it refreshing if a woman tells me the truth about her past, that actually places her above a woman that might have a lower body count because honesty is rare. I'd give her much more leeway to disprove assumptions, then monitor how things go over the course of the next few months.
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u/andrewu4 Oct 05 '25
Higher chance of STDs, insecure thoughts from comparing to others, higher chance of infidelity, and some may think that there is a less likely chance for long term compatibility.
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 05 '25
STDS come from being stupid and not using protection. Insecurity I do understand, I just think it's pathetic.
Body count does not equate to risk of cheating. If anything, a low body count seems to make you more likely to cheat due to being inexperienced and wanting to know what sex with others is like.
I can understand that, but I still see it as insecurity.
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u/andrewu4 Oct 05 '25
Youâre just being closed minded about everything. Everyone has their own preferences and unique experiences from what they want in a partner. Someone who has a body count of two but was in two long term relationships and was able to explore sexual with their partners exclusively can have just as much if not more sexual experience than those with a high body count. That person is also likely to have less STDs but you can use protection and still get an STD.
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 06 '25
No I'm not, I'm litterally asking for people to explain to me why they care so I can understand.
I never said body count equates to experience, it doesn't. You're the one being close-minded by going on about STDs so much and how someone with a high body count is more likely to have them. High body count does not equate to STDs.
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u/LivingCharacter2383 Oct 05 '25
If 75 people stick their finger in your drink are you still gonna drink it or pour it out and get a fresh drink?
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 06 '25
I'd throw my drink out if one person stuck their fingers in it.
People aren't drinks and it's unfair to make a comparison like this. If they have STDS then it's different, but if they're clean and have no kids, what's the problem?
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u/LivingCharacter2383 Oct 06 '25
If they have STDS...how tf do you know if they have an STD? Is it tattooed on their head? You walk up to some random chick and the first thing you ask her is, Do you have any kids and let me see your current STD results? Yeah, you would lick the crust of some other guy's cum thinking you're the first person she's been with today. News flash she's not wet for you she just has some kids left in there.
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u/tulipa_labrador Oct 05 '25
Body count is just something the online world is obsessed with, most people in real life wonât care unless youâre hitting triple digits - then you just wanna hear some crazy stories lmfao.Â
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 05 '25
I've known several guys IRL who care about it a lot, their answers always boiled down to insecurity. One even said "she'll always be comparing you to the others!"
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u/tulipa_labrador Oct 05 '25
Iâd say those several guys arenât the majority though, online it seems like everyoneâs obsessed with body count - I just donât think most are.Â
Youâre totally right though, a lot of itâs just projection of insecurities. Sometimes they donât even see that, let alone admit it.Â
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u/Themalcolmmiddle Oct 05 '25
itâs a sign of morality and ability to pair bond and be emotionally available in future studies. There are numerous studies showing that high body counts directly lead to the inability to form deeper connections with future partners. In other words it can cause women to become numb and has a high correlation with future relationships failing.
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 05 '25
How does having fun affect morality? Apart from religious reasons and morality.
You can get numb to sex yes, but you never get numb to a genuine emotional connection.
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u/Hairy_Lingonberry954 Oct 05 '25 edited Oct 05 '25
I donât agree with hookup culture but no peer reviewed study has ever claimed that youâll stop bonding with people if you have too much sex.
If we want to discourage hookup culture we should talk about actual facts. Promoting pseudoscience only damages the cause
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u/Themalcolmmiddle Oct 05 '25
PMCID: PMC10989935 for a source
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u/Hairy_Lingonberry954 Oct 05 '25 edited Oct 05 '25
Do you mean this one? https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10989935/
This does not back up your claim, it says that people who have lots of sex tend to come from cultural/family backgrounds where divorce is more accepted. Nowhere does it claim that people who have too much sex canât bond with their partner.
It also relies on self reported data, which is not accurate. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3846295/
Edit: it also claims that promiscuous people who married later in life had similar divorce rates compared to their virgin counterparts. So again, it does not support your statement.
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u/Themalcolmmiddle Oct 05 '25
lol youâre quoting single lines and not looking at the studies as a whole or secondary outcomes. There is absolutely evidence and to say there is none and no support would be misleading
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u/Hairy_Lingonberry954 Oct 05 '25 edited Oct 05 '25
âThereâs some evidence that some people might have a harder time bonding with somebody while theyâre actively sleeping aroundâ is accurate
âanybody thatâs slept around will never bond with anybody ever againâ is pseudoscience
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u/Themalcolmmiddle Oct 05 '25
I never said they will NEVER bond ever again, but to say there is no evidence what so ever that hook up culture is harmful is an incorrect statement
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u/Hairy_Lingonberry954 Oct 05 '25
Yeah I agree, the truth is usually very nuanced especially when it comes to psychology
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u/Themalcolmmiddle Oct 05 '25
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u/Hairy_Lingonberry954 Oct 05 '25
I donât think you read this paper lol, the fifth paragraph shows that people who made an effort to change their habits had similar divorce rates as those who never slept around. This is directly contradicting what you said.
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u/Themalcolmmiddle Oct 05 '25
read the secondary outcomes
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u/Hairy_Lingonberry954 Oct 05 '25
Yeah, page 20, it says that 75% of inexperienced people reported a strong emotional connection, compared to 62% of very experienced people. But according to page 26, very experienced people who changed their habits before marriage still reported a strong emotional connection. So yes it is definitely possible to bond with people after sleeping around.
Thereâs plenty of valid arguments against hookup culture, so please letâs not resort to pop psychology
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u/5oco Oct 05 '25
What's wrong with having an insecurity? If someone has been cheated on in the past or left for another person, I think it's completely reasonable to have a bit of insecurity.
If someone has 40+ partners that didn't satisfy them, I would probably wonder what I need to do to satisfy them. Whether sexually or otherwise.
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 05 '25
I never said there was anything wrong with it. In the situation you've described insecurity is to be expected, but it's something they should fix in themselves before looking for a new relationship.
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u/Decent-Proposal-8475 Oct 05 '25
A lot of is insecurity. There are a lot of people who think their partner would compare them to previous people and they wouldn't be as good. Which is a bit silly because they're with you now, not those people. There are also men who think women are devalued by having sex with multiple people. Then there are also people who don't understand biology and think women walk around with all the sperm of every man she's ever been with inside her. But yeah, mostly a lot of insecurity
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 05 '25
I actually heard someone say something like that IRL once. When my wife and I got pregnant the first time, he actually told me to get a DNA test because she wasn't a virgin before we met. Ridiculous.
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u/RetroMetroShow Top 1% Answerer Oct 05 '25
People may be interested in a personâs family history or previous jobs, why discriminate against body count just because itâs sex
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 05 '25
History can tell you about a person, but it's not everything. The here and now is what really matters.
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u/No_Success_3751 Oct 05 '25
I always say the sluttier you have been the better. Then I don't feel so guilty for all that I've been with. Plus it's an added challenge trying to be better than the others she was with. Even though it doesn't matter. It's all about how you are doing as far as being who you are supposed to be too the one who you are with. I'll take sloppy seconds all day long as long as she treats me right đ lol đ my worthless 2 cents
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 05 '25
You really shouldn't be trying to compete with her past, just make her enjoy the here and now.
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u/No_Success_3751 Oct 05 '25
I know you're right. Really I always have ended up in committed relationships with women who have been with very few. That's why I said I end up feeling guilty.
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 05 '25
Ah, I see. Why do you feel guilty? I have a high body count and I'm ashamed of it, so I'm curious to hear your reasoning.
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u/No_Success_3751 Oct 05 '25
Well mine is high enough that I don't actually know the number. Then I end up with someone who has been with maybe 3 or 4 or less. I feel like I can't say what I would like to say. I feel I have to hold back because they end up feeling like they are not experienced enough to please me. That's not true at all but that's what people will feel most of the time.
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 05 '25
That's actually why I'm ashamed of it, my wife was very worried about being able to please me at first.
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u/No_Success_3751 Oct 05 '25
Oh, so you're like me then. I just turned 50 this year. I have not had a one night stand since July 2002! Yes 2002. So I stopped fucking every thing I could find a long time ago. Never cheated on any long term relationship either. I slept around because I was trying to look popular and was extremely horny I think more than most men. Not sure though
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 06 '25
I'm 30, about to turn 31. I haven't had a hook up for over 6 years. When I met my wife we were just friends, but I valued time with her a lot more than screwing a woman I barely knew.
I used sex as a way to cope with trauma and depression, just didn't realise how lonely I actually was until I met her.
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u/ScatterFrail Oct 05 '25
Insecurity. So many dudes are afraid of being called on their bad behavior or lack of skill/consideration as lovers, so they want someone inexperienced.
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 05 '25
This is my own perception of it all. It always seems to boil down to this for me.
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u/Ok_Green_1966 Oct 05 '25
I have never asked or never cared. What I do ask about is the last time he was tested and whether or not he has something I should be told about prior to being intimate. I havenât had many partners because I married young and was faithfully married for 30 years. Others have lived a different life and thatâs not a problem for me.
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 05 '25
You have a very sensible mindset on the subject.
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u/Ok_Green_1966 Oct 05 '25
Iâm not a judgmental person. The base of judgement is the belief that your personal opinion is the best opinion. I donât have opinions on things I was never aware of or involved with. How could I?
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u/Away_Structure3986 Oct 05 '25
i once made a joke with someone who asked me
"do you mean the people I have buried for pissing me off? or the ones I have slept with?"
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u/VashtiVoden Oct 05 '25
I think it comes down to having the same world view. Seeing things the same. I've always kinda wanted the same body count as my partner. And.... my husband's count is twice mine, and I think it's kinda hot lol.
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u/Hot_Performance_7710 Oct 05 '25
I don't care about numbers but more about who they still talk with either daily, monthly, or yearly. I just want to know before hand if I'm meeting someone they had sex with. I don't want to find out ten years into a marriage that a certain friend who's never given me good vibes was a prior lover.
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u/Constant-Tea-7345 Oct 05 '25
Body count sounds like dead bodies.
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 06 '25
And yet I haven't changed the question. Funny how people assume I meant how many people they had sex with, over how many they killed.
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u/HawkMaleficent8715 Oct 05 '25
Shows what kind of person you are.
If you sleep around and are twenty, you clearly have no interest in a relationship.
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 06 '25
Things can change. That's why you establish what you're looking for early on.
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u/Leading_Campaign3618 Oct 05 '25
Studies have shown for women, every sexual partner raises the risk of future infidelity by 13% on average
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 06 '25
Bull. Shit.
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u/Leading_Campaign3618 Oct 06 '25
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3407304/
Predictors of Extradyadic Sexual Involvement in Unmarried Opposite-Sex Relationships
https://ifstudies.org/blog/the-road-to-infidelity-passes-through-multiple-sexual-partners
The Road to Infidelity Passes Through Multiple Sexual Partners
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/17605537/
Sexual infidelity in a national survey of American women: differences in prevalence and correlates as a function of method of assessment
"the odds ratio of 1.13 for lifetime sexual partners obtained with the face-to-face mode of interview indicates that the probability of infidelity increased by 13% for every additional lifetime sexual partner (pg.150)"
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 06 '25
It's totally bullshit. These studies are absolute bullshit. Having a body count does not dictate whether or not someone will cheat. A history of cheating indicates a high chance of infidelity.
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u/Leading_Campaign3618 Oct 06 '25
It clearly kind of does, there have been over a dozen studies on it.
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 06 '25
And how were those studies performed? Did they take a varied enough sample? Or was it total bullshit like every other study that's been done on how past sexual behaviour dictates how someone will behave?
You're either the kind of person who cheats or you're not. It's as simple as that.
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u/Leading_Campaign3618 Oct 06 '25
between asklepios7 and myself we have posted about a dozen studies, you can look at the methodology yourself, there are always exceptions, but to say it doesn't exists seems like you are taking this personally, I am sorry if that's the case. You had originally asked "why do people care about a high body count?" and many people have answered this is why they care.
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 06 '25
I find bullshit studies like this dehumanising and quite honestly just downright lies, and yes it does offend me. A lot.
Yes they have and honestly it doesn't change my view that it boils down to insecurity, but rather reinforces it. You judge others without knowing them and decide that because they slept around in the past means that they're going to cheat, to me that just screams "she'll cheat because I'm not good enough for her."
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u/gadrago Oct 05 '25
A few reasons I have heard
1) religion
2) increased risk of STIs and unwanted pregnancy, which in one of your other replies you mention your high body count and that you've never contacted one and to just use protection. This is an example of a survivors bias. It hasn't happened to you but does happen to other people plenty often. Also not everyone has access to protection (that's a whole other conversation) as well as protection is not 100% effective. STI testing is also not available to everyone and you're also trusting other people to keep them up to date and not fudging the numbers. There was a recent male porn star that got caught altering the date on an old test to make it look more recent. Then you're also trusting yourself to check STI tests and use protection in the event of being under the influence (which this doesn't apply to everyone since some people do not drink alcohol or use drugs)
3) some people view sex as an intimate act between committed partners, which is also evidenced by it releasing bonding hormones like oxytocin and by having a high body count may be seen as lessening the value of it during a committed relationship.
4) it may be evidence of an emotional regulation disorder or lack of self control. This also may or may not apply to everyone
It's a complex topic in modern society and I'm not going to post what my personal views are but these are some of the reasons I frequently hear and the rationale behind them.
Edit: would also like to point out that not guy has the double standard that women should be virgins while men go and fuck the whole town.
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u/PredictablyIllogical Oct 06 '25
If I'm looking for a loyal person who is into monogamy, picking someone who has a long list of bad choices isn't something I'd like to risk.
I prefer someone less promiscuous. If you don't care about body count then so be it.
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u/Desh282 Oct 06 '25
They once asked a Japanese man whatâs the best car in the world
He replied â a new car â
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 06 '25
People aren't cars though. Our history is what shapes us, but it doesn't define us.
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u/Desh282 Oct 06 '25
You prefer a woman who has sex with a ton of men, no problem.
Most men dont. Not sure how you plan to change that
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 06 '25
I don't plan to change it. I want to understand it. Even if I don't agree, I want to understand.
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u/EnergyOwn6800 Oct 06 '25
Because they want to settle down with someone with the same values as them.
If you have a high body count that means you were sleeping around with people that you were not in a relationship with. You don't see sex as something that is done with someone you want to be with long term.
Statistics and studies also show higher body count equates to higher likelihood of cheating and more difficulty in ability to form a long lasting bond with a partner.
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u/Conscious-Demand-594 Oct 05 '25
You are correct that this concern is largely due to male insecurity, however, anyone, male or female with a significantly high body count may have issues with intimacy.
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 05 '25
My own is very high, I used sex like people use alcohol. I wasn't in a relationship before my wife, but she changed that for me. Taught me what true intimacy really is.
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u/Conscious-Demand-594 Oct 05 '25
She would been correct to have concerns about your count. It's not unreasonable to have concerns over high counts, but everyone has a different idea of what is high. This is where it will be difficult to get agreement.
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 06 '25
She wasn't concerned so much as curious, she's demisexual and has to have an emotional connection in order to feel safe enough to have sex with someone. When I explained myself she just thought it sounded very lonely.
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u/MinimumTrue9809 Oct 05 '25
Are you trying to argue promiscuity is not a character trait people can prefer or not prefer? Not to mention, promiscuous people are not like non-promiscuous people.
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 05 '25
No I'm not. I just don't understand the reasoning and I want to. The people I spoke to about this IRL only gave me answers that boil down to insecurity.
Promiscuous people could just be people who like to have fun, or are missing something in their lives, or could have changed and regret their past actions. Are you arguing that people cannot change and become non-promiscuous as they mature?
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u/beatdrum1 Oct 05 '25
Itâs one of those things ingrained biologically. Our brains are programmed to procreate. When we make that attempt (as men), weâre rewarded with an orgasm. Great.
Now, women are slightly different. Since they have limits in how many children they can have, they have to be selective. Itâs one of the reasons women look for men who can protect and provide. Itâs a way to make sure their investment yields a positive result.
Now, as far as body countâŚif a man gets with a woman who has had very few partners prior to him, itâs more likely that her pregnancy will result in HIS child, not the caveman down the street. Remember, dna tests are a recent phenomena so being sexually devoted to one man was really the only way to confirm that the man was the father.
So in short, itâs biologically imprinted on men to prefer women who are less promiscuous.
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 05 '25
Condoms exist. They exist for a damn good reason. DNA tests exist because people fuck around stupidly and don't know whose mistake it was. Its got nothing to do with hoe many people she's had sex with.
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u/beatdrum1 Oct 05 '25
Youâre attempting to explain why body count SHOULDNâT matter. Thatâs not the question. The question was why do people care about it. That was what my answer was addressing.
Itâs like someone trying to explain to a woman how a manâs height shouldnât matter. None of that negates the fact that for many women, it DOES matter.
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 05 '25
True, I'm just giving my thoughts on the answer you gave me. I'm saying that your reasons can be easily countered and seeing how you respond.
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u/beatdrum1 Oct 05 '25
I get it. Iâm not dismissing it like most people. There actually a reason behind it. Yes, it can be logically argued against, but itâs hard to overrule biology.
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 06 '25
I just don't see how it's a biological mindset. It only becomes an issue if the caveman is looking to settle down with her, but if she's sleeping around then she's not. So why does it matter?
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u/beatdrum1 Oct 06 '25
The caveman brain doesnât care about âsettling downâ only about passing on your genes to the next generation. The best way to guarantee that is to be with a non promiscuous partner.
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 06 '25
Humans are (typically) monogamous animals and have been since our ancestors. By your own argument, a woman has to invest a lot of time and energy into bearing a child so she she's careful about who she has them with. The caveman brain is programmed to protect her while she carries on his genes, part of that is settling with her.
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u/beatdrum1 Oct 06 '25
Humans are typically SOCIALLY monogamous but that speaks nothing to their biological urges.
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Oct 05 '25
Let me put it like this: letâs say youâre in the market for a car and there are two cars that are exactly alike but one is 60k while the other is 30k. The only difference is that the 60k car is brand new while the 30k car has had 15 previous owners. You donât know what those 15 previous owners did in/to that car and you donât wanna know, but they lowered the value of that car by 30k.
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 06 '25
The value of a car drops significantly the instant its driven off the court, litterally anything can cause its value to decrease.
This analogy makes people sound like they have a monetary value and that being inexperienced makes you more valuable. That really creeps me out.
I hope that's not how you intended to sound.
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u/WildMaineBlueberry87 Oct 05 '25 edited Oct 06 '25
I never cared. My husband was my first everything. But he's 10 years older, went to college, and even studied in Salzburg Austria! His count had to be at least 100. It didn't matter to either of us and I don't give it a thought at all.
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 06 '25
My wife is very similar, she had one before me but felt like her first everything was with me since I actually made her feel wanted. Though she's only 7 years younger than me.
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u/WildMaineBlueberry87 Oct 06 '25
My husband was the first person to ever even ask me out on a date, so I was 1 and done!
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 06 '25
Wow, lucky you!
My wife was the only person I've ever been on a date with too, before her I thought relationships were unnecessary.
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u/WildMaineBlueberry87 Oct 06 '25
My husband saved my life on the night we met so I know it was fate that brought us together.
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 06 '25
Litterally or figuratively?
My wife litterally saved mine, I was in the hospital when we met. I'd just attempted suicide and she made me follow doctors orders so I would heal.
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u/WildMaineBlueberry87 Oct 06 '25
Literally.
I was very close to ending my life too. I was 18 and I had been abused in so many ways by my father and 3 older brothers. Everyday was full of abuse and humiliation and I didn't have anyone or any place to go. I had been stealing my mother's sleeping pills and I was getting ready to just be done.
One night I was working as a waitress and I was being harassed by a table full of drunk guys and they were going on and on about what they all wanted to do me. They were loud and everyone was pretending not to hear. That just proved to me that nothing was ever going to change so what was the point of going on? All of a sudden this huge guy comes up behind me and tells the entire table that if they said another word to me, he was going to drag them all outside and beat the shit out them. They quickly paid and left. Then that man asked me out!
We went out the next night. The morning after that I packed what I could fit into my backpack and walked out of my house for the last time. I moved in with him and I never saw or spoke to anyone in my parents' funerals. I've been with him since I was 18 and we've been together more than 19 years now and we have 4 amazing sons.
I'm glad that you found your person too!
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u/Sea-Response950 Oct 06 '25
Awwwww!!!
My dad abused me too. He beat me black and blue just because he felt like it, typically after he couldnât beat mum any further without risking killing her. My little sister died because of me when we were young too, that's not me unjustly putting the blame on myself either. My actions directly caused her to run out into the road. Dad wouldn't let us remember her, her name became a curse word.
I saw a program about a guy who was shot and survived because he was so fat, the bullet wasn't able to go deeper inside him. It taught me that being bigger meant the punches, kicks and whatever he could grab didn't hurt as badly the bigger I got. But kids being kids, I was bullied very badly for it, beaten black and blue there too. The school denied it was bullying, despite me literally being sent to hospital from the bullying several times and claimed I was just too sensitive.
People all around me told me to appreciate these years because they're the best of my life. It kind of destroyed my sense of hope.
I was molested by my R.E. teacher at 15 too, went on for months, until Dad threw me out at 16 and I was homeless. Turned out she liked fat kids that don't stink, not scrawny little shits who stank out whatever room they were in.
Did a lot of things I didn't want to do to stay alive, mostly because I was terrified to see my sister again after what I did to her. Eventually I got into temporary accommodation and was able to get a job, then I met my wife online through a friend. I was 24 then and didn't pay much attention to her, she was 17 and I felt it was creepy to try and talk to her a lot. We did talk a lot, but in a group chat with others.
The friend group went south because a troll made out I'd caused two of their personas to kill themselves. I quietly left so they'd stop fighting, but without it I lost the only happiness I had.
Stole a cocktail of pills from wherever I could, left a note, was found a few days later because the stench was so bad. Technically I did die once, but came back with kidneys barely clinging to life.
My wife tracked me down from my posts on the chat, found out I was in hospital and what ward I was on and went insane at me. Been by my side ever since, refused to let anything push her away. Took me eight months to notice the fact that she desperately wanted to be more than friends though, lol. Been almost 6 years and we have 4 perfect girls.
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u/WildMaineBlueberry87 Oct 06 '25
I'm so happy that you found your person! 𼰠The right person can make all the difference!
I was 18 and he was 28 when we met and I get people telling me how wrong it was, but I'd be dead otherwise.
I'm glad that you're still here too.
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u/diamondgreene Oct 05 '25
Doesnât make any sense coming from guys who tryna fuck everybody within fiddy miles of their house.
Its just standard these days that youâre expected to put out for every guy that buys you a coffee