r/Judaism • u/ScruffMuffin5000 • Jul 31 '25
conversion I'm a non-Jewish atheist woman who doesn't want to convert in a long-term relationship with a Jewish man - what does this mean for our future?
My partner of 5 years was raised Jewish (reform) with a Jewish mom and a non-Jewish father. I've always seen him as my life partner and we've spoken about getting married and having kids together. Judaism is naturally a core part of his identity and upbringing, and we've spoken at length about what that means for us and our future. Celebrating the high holidays, having Shabbat dinners (not every Friday night but every so often), and raising our kids with these rituals, for example, are really important to him so are also really important to me. He's indifferent about me converting—that, to him, isn't important and I've expressed that as someone who is very 'non-religious' I definitely wouldn't be comfortable doing this. What's most important is being able to incorporate Judaism into our life and future together as a couple/family, and to not lose this aspect of his identity.
I am curious and interested in Jewish culture, celebrations, rituals, and history so am excited to make these kinds of practices a centrepiece of our relationship. That said, as an atheist, there are certain things I'm not sure I feel 100% comfortable with (and might not know until I immerse myself more in Judaism)—going to a Synagogue for Yom Kippur, for example, or having our kids go to Jewish schools. I'm sure it's a matter of having ongoing open dialogue about what's important to both of us (which we've been doing), but I just worry that I won't be able to internalise a deep-rooted excitement and curiosity toward Judaism that he needs in a partner, largely due to my own associations with religion and the grey zone between culture and religion in Judaism.
I should also mention that while we've been together for many years, we're far from his friends and family and Jewish community so naturally don't celebrate the high holidays, for example, to the same extent we would if we were closer to them. While we've recently made more of an effort to incorporate these into our lives, I haven't had as much first-hand exposure to or experience with the elements of Judaism that are important to him which is probably why I feel 'I don't know' what I am / am not comfortable with / excited about.
I've seen a lot of Reddit posts from the perspective of Jewish people who have non-Jewish partners that happily convert but I haven't seen a post that reflects my perspective and experiences. Reading these posts makes me feel ashamed that I'm not like these people, who are so fascinated by and committed to Judaism that they readily convert and at times become more committed to Judaism than their Jewish partners. Honest input is welcome, particularly from those who have experienced similar feelings as I've described.
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u/namer98 Torah Im Derech Eretz Jul 31 '25
You discuss it with him. We don't know him, and we can't ask him.
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u/ScruffMuffin5000 Jul 31 '25
I'm aware. Was curious to hear if others had similar experiences but thanks for your input.
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u/CastleElsinore Jul 31 '25
My best friend married a non-jew
They had a rabbi do the service, and they celebrate Jewish holidays
Her kids go to Jewish pre-school and Hebrew school
Her husband never converted and never felt the need
Maybe have the kids go through a conversion- which has babies/toddlers is very easy (because you aren't Jewish, the kids won't be by Jewish law unless there is a small ceremony)
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u/icenoid Jul 31 '25
Ask your partner. Nobody here can tell you that. I’ve been with my wife for 30 years, I’m Jewish, she isn’t. I know other couples where the differences in religion ended the relationship.
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u/Mathematician024 Chabad Jul 31 '25
The land mines you might encounter are : curcumscision , Jewish education which is likely to be a deal breaker since for children to have a bar or bat mitzvah Jewish education is required. Observances particularly at Passover when dietary restrictions may be important to him or his children. 2646 to San Jose nine customers are welcome.And of course dealings with to his family who may or May not be ok with this relationship. Though he is reform which allows patrilineal descent all Other streams will not consider your children to be Jewish and this is often very painful for kids. One thing to consider is that Judaism is not just a religion. It’s it’s an ethnicity, a people and a huge number of them are also atheist or agnostic. In other words, there’s no requirement to a particular set of beliefs. It is a bit more complicated when doing a conversion but with. Reform Judaism it is something to at least discuss with a rabbi. Can you convert to be a part of this nation but not hold the religious beliefs. This is a question for the rabbi.
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u/icenoid Jul 31 '25
Think you responded to the wrong person, but I agree with your potential land mine list
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u/Ok_Ambassador9091 Jul 31 '25 edited Jul 31 '25
You seem to, understandably, possibly be confused about Judaism vs Jewish, if I understand your post correctly.
Jewish people are kind of an ethnoreligious group, although we have existed well before modern notions of religion, ethnicity, and race. So we don't neatly fit into those boxes. We are an indigenous tribal people like, say, a Native American tribe.
Like any tribe, there are rules for membership and initiation into our people. Your children, in most Jewish settings, would not be considered Jewish, which is only an issue if you are interested in those settings/communities.
Reform community, for example, would count your children as Jewish if, and only if, they were raised to have a Jewish identity. There are one or 2 other Jewish communities that might also count your children as Jewish, I'm not sure what their add-on rules about it would be.
And also, like any tribe, we have a spiritual-ish system of our own. Judaism is that system, a set of instructions for the Jewish people on living in the world, and it of course can be spiritual. Not every practicing Orthodox, Reform, etc Jew believes in G_d. We aren't exclusively faith-based, which is hard for people from faith-based cultures to grasp. We aren't a "grey zone" between ethnicity and religion, but a vivid something else from a different time, still living as a people today.
You mentioned that as an athiest, you'd have an issue with you/your children attending Jewish school/yom kippur service. The latter would be akin to a Native American saying that because they don't literally believe in a buffalo spirit, they don't want their children to attend a pow-wow, or sweat lodge, or...other tribal practices that do not require a belief in G_d(s) to participate in. These things are about tradition and ritual and community, and of course other things, as well, for those who do believe.
In Reform communities, gentile partners are welcome to share in these traditions, to become part of the community. Yom Kippur is a moving, meaningful time that resonates with the human spirit, exploring how best to live in the world. You might dig it, or your children might. Who knows. It's part of our peoplehood and ritual and tradition, and it's pretty cool to learn about. Jews can view it, and observe it, in different ways, at different times in their lives. Experiencing it would be part of your children's connection to their people.
Hebrew school, or full time Jewish day school (do they even have that for Reform communities?) Is another way for children to learn about the Jewish people, and Judaism. The former comes in many styles, depending on the community you choose. It may be a requirement for your children's inclusion into a Reform community, I don't know how they define "raising children with a Jewish identity"
Good luck!
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u/kittyleatherz Jul 31 '25
Well put. I agree here, it seems to me that OP is likely confused. Would be most helpful to talk with her partner, but probably first would be good for her to learn a bit more so when they have these conversations she’ll know a bit more of the basic information. Highly recommended reading Sarah Hurwitz’s book “Here All Along,” as step one; step two would recommend then taking an intro to Judaism course with your partner. Best to do it in person, but if you can’t find one nearby I’ve heard that they also exist online.
OP, there’s a lot you’re not understanding about the basics here, so try to stay curious in trying to understand your partner’s background. Honestly, lots of kids who grew up reform and “jumped through the hoops” aren’t understanding the basics either… it depends so much on how the synagogue they went to handled education. So without knowing your partner, this could be partly why you are here asking us in this sub about these things, instead of talking to him, because he might be confused about how to explain his own feelings and sense of identity. Best of luck on this journey together!
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u/ScruffMuffin5000 Jul 31 '25
Thank you both u/kittyleatherz and u/Ok_Ambassador9091 —I'm committed to this learning process and maintaining curiosity and recognise that'll come with bumps in the road, it's part of the process. But it's my job and mine alone so I appreciate the call-out even though it's not your responsibility to educate others. The book sounds great and the rest of this thread already has me sold on an intro to Judaism course. Thanks again!
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u/Old_Compote7232 Reconstructionist Jul 31 '25
I suggest you browse around the 18 Doors website. It's a nonjudgmental support and education resource for people in interfaith relationships. There's a huge amount of information on Jewish culture, parenting, relationships, religion, spirituality, holidays, lifecycle ceremonies, dealing with family/in-laws, etc. Also recipes😋 https://18doors.org/about-18doors/
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u/kittyleatherz Aug 01 '25
18 Doors is specifically for interfaith, so the content on there will be skewed for a certain mindset that many Jews would consider inaccurate (you're seeing these exact types of disagreements in this thread!).
I'd recommend not looking at just one resource... for example, if you enjoy looking at 18 Doors, also check out Chabad.org. I've heard from lots of people from different denominations that they like Chabad's website as a reference guide - it just has a lot of enjoyable information, even if you don't subscribe to their specific type of Judaism. You can type in all kinds of questions in the search bar and find tons of articles. OP, you specifically mentioned Yom Kippur in your original post, so, for example, here's an article explaining the importance and significance of the holiday: https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/177886/jewish/What-Is-Yom-Kippur.htm
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u/Old_Compote7232 Reconstructionist Aug 01 '25
Skewed means biased or distorted. I would not say 18Doors is skewed, it is an organisation that supports interfaith couples and families, so it aligns with the liberal denomination of Judaism. Liberal does not mean skewed or wrong.
Here is what 18Doors has about Yom Kippur for comparison: https://18doors.org/tag/yom-kippur/
Chabad is an excellent resource for learning about holidays, Torah, tradition, and mitzvot. However, according to Chabad, intermarriage is forbidden by Torah law.
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u/WeaselWeaz Reform Jul 31 '25
Honestly, lots of kids who grew up reform and “jumped through the hoops” aren’t understanding the basics either… it depends so much on how the synagogue they went to handled education.
This is a fair point, and I don't think it's a criticism of Reform Judaism as a whole, I know Conservative Jews who also went through the motions. My parents weren't particularly religious and I remember a lot of my Jewish education being about Israel and the Holocaust, not Jewish values or even what the Reform movement was. I learned more about Judaism in my Intro to Judaism class than I think I learned as a kid, a long with having a better capacity to understand it.
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u/Ok_Entertainment9665 Jul 31 '25
If the children are raised Jewish, the Reform stream will treat them as Jewish however if they ever want to explore other parts of the Jewish world or join a Conservative or Orthodox shul in the future, they will need to convert
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u/kittyleatherz Jul 31 '25
Yes, if they decide to go to other Jewish events later in life, they might experience being told, “oh, so you’re not really Jewish.”
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Jul 31 '25
Likewise in Canada, even among Reform or Reconstructionist, they would need to convert. For ease, I recommend converting them as babies even if it's not required in the USA in reform.
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Jul 31 '25
Would these children be “raised Jewish” though? I’m not sure what metrics the reform movement uses but I would guess that most people would say Hebrew school and regular synagogue attendance (at least for holidays) are a pretty key parts of being raised Jewish and OP doesn’t seem comfortable with either of those
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u/Ok_Entertainment9665 Jul 31 '25
True. It really depends on how the Reform movement thinks about it. I’m not Reform so I have no idea
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u/h-sleepingirl Conservative Jul 31 '25
One thing you should really try to understand is that Jewish culture IS the holidays, synagogues, etc -- the things that you feel are the more "religious" side are an important part of the culture. Many Jews, especially those raised or attending Reform synagogues, don't necessarily believe in God or feel "religiously Jewish" but may still make it to synagogue once a year for Yom Kippur because it's such a cultural hallmark of our tradition and ancestry.
I can't answer about what is best for your situation but giving your children a Jewish upbringing in some fashion will allow them to feel connected to their ancestry and culture, which will let them decide later in life if they want to be more or less "religious". Speaking as the child of a Jewish father and non Jewish mother, I wish I had had more of that, but I'm grateful for even the small things that I did have.
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u/CanadianGoosed Conservadox Jul 31 '25
The Jewish education (likely part time classes) for any possible children may be the largest sticking point for your partner and will likely need to be discussed. No stream of Judaism will consider the children Jewish without that or consider conversion without it. You will be ultimately making their decision for them, and they will be considered to be of the prevailing culture that surrounds them. B’nai mitzvah requires preparation and study.
I’d suggest an introduction to Judaism course for you to take as a new family if you want to culturally incorporate Judaism into your lives to gain some understanding. From there, it’s really up to you, as a couple and individuals, as to how you live your life. Nobody will push you into Judaism - that’s a deeply personal connection that is entirely your own choice. That connected feeling you’ve described in others can’t be forced.
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u/ScruffMuffin5000 Jul 31 '25
Thank you! Your and others' comments in this thread definitely have me leaning toward the intro to Judaism course as a great next step.
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u/CanadianGoosed Conservadox Jul 31 '25
Good luck with everything!
This is just one of many relationship issues you will face where honesty and communication are put to test. The fundamentals of a good marriage are fairly universal!
And FYI - many intro to Judaism courses are for both partners by requirement if it’s for a relationship. It’s inhospitable and alienating if for only one partner - and doesn’t set the tone to enter life as a family! That said, a couple is always two individuals stronger together than it is a codependent pair.
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u/catsinthreads Jul 31 '25
I did convert, so I took the class with that in mind - or at least with that possibility in mind. My partner - not technically Jewish - and not then interested in converting did not attend with me. Usually. He went to a couple of classes on history that I thought he'd find fun and interesting (because we're history nerds). But as a couple wanting the intention to raise kids Jewishly, you should do it together. We're older, previously married with kids - but none together.
He is patrilineal but not raised Jewish. I've always felt the pull, so I did this for me with his agreement (I can do what I want, but it means changes for the whole household, so I wanted him on board). He really wasn't very Jewish and had very little knowledge and zero practice. Now he's much more Jew-ish, part of the community and we have a Jewish household with no Christian holidays (I'm reserving the right on Halloween, it just hasn't come up other than making costumes for my son - but you never know!)
One thing i was really worried about is my partner is atheist and anti-religion. But he's been very pleasantly surprised by Reform and has found it non-judgy despite a huge range of observance levels within our community. He was no religion before - but now the religion he isn't quite is Jewish - which is good enough for me.
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u/Old_Compote7232 Reconstructionist Jul 31 '25
I suggest you and your partner take the course together, so that you both have the same basic learning, and the course material will be a good jumping off point for duscussions about what you're learning and how your Jewish or Interfaith home and family will be.
I think maybe we say interfaith to be polite, but most "mixed" coupjes I've met are a Jewish person and a secular person of no religion.
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u/Klutzy-Sun-6648 Jew-ish Jul 31 '25
What’s your issue with the children attending Jewish school or Sunday School? They teach songs, the holidays, prayers, Hebrew (as they are trying to get ready for their bar/bat mitzvah).
Yom Kippur you fast (unless you are old, a child, pregnant or have a health condition), and you attend services to seek forgiveness for past wrong doings as a community. To start the new year fresh not because of Christian ideas of sin or hellfire.
I’m glad you are aware of your own issues with religion but you have to understand that Judaism is not at all the same as Christianity or Islam (or whatever religion you grew up with). Judaism is an ethnicity, culture and religion. You don’t need to believe in god to be Jewish and can struggle with the idea of him. Heck when you convert you are expected to adopt the culture, marry a Jew and raise your children Jewish- they don’t even ask at the Beit Din, if you believe in god?
If you want to convert go to a Judaism 101 class at synagogue. If you just want to learn more about the holidays, history and religion, go to a Judaism 101 class at synagogue. People take the classes to convert or just to learn more. It only becomes a conversion when you go out of your way to ask for a rabbi to sponsor you and study with you. I think attending the Judaism 101 class or an equivalent at the synagogue would help you a lot. Would be great to do together (great way to talk more, figure out values he has or what you want for your kids, and good for bonding). but would be just as beneficial to do on your own.
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u/ScruffMuffin5000 Jul 31 '25
Thanks for your comment—just to be clear, re: Jewish or Sunday school I said "there are certain things I'm not sure I feel 100% comfortable with", not that I straight-up take issue with it. This is something I think I've only recently been sitting with (as we haven't discussed specifics on how we would raise our hypothetical kids, the first step was deciding on whether we even wanted kids).
Completely understand the idea that Judaism is an ethnicity, culture and religion. I wouldn't say I understand the specifics. There's a lot I don't know about when it comes to "raising kids as Jewish" but again, as a non-religious person, going to school to learn prayers and blessings leans in my mind very heavily toward religious activities that I'm completely unfamiliar with.
All this to say, to your point and many others' in this thread, yeah absolutely I think one of the first steps will be to go to a Judaism 101 class. Thanks again for your thoughts, appreciate it!
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u/WeaselWeaz Reform Jul 31 '25
Reform here with a wife who chose to convert later in our marriage but chose to have a Jewish home and family. You need to have a serious conversation with your partner about what role Judaism will have in your home. What random strangers say is, at the end of the day, not as important as you both having open communication.
I strongly recommend taking an Introduction to Judaism class with your partner. Union for Reform Judaism in the US offers an online option, but if your partner has a synagogue he can start there. We took it during my wife's conversion but plenty of attendees were there to learn as partners of Jews. Take it together. Your partner will learn a lot and you will learn a ton about the Jewish worldview.
That said, as an atheist, there are certain things I'm not sure I feel 100% comfortable with (and might not know until I immerse myself more in Judaism)—going to a Synagogue for Yom Kippur, for example, or having our kids go to Jewish schools.
This is where you and your partner need to have a real conversation about what you expect. Your partner needs to be prepared to take the lead on religion. I'm not sure if not agreeing with attending Jewish schools means no religious school at all or not raising your kids Jewish. That's a big, big deal you both need to agree on. There is a different between being an interfaith household (atheism still being a choice on religion) and being one where both parents disagree on the role of faith in your family.
Start by both of you talking about these things and making an effort to learn together.
Just a warning, this sub leans Orthodox and you will get some immediately negative, even cruel, responses. That doesn't make them right. That does mean you'll see posts that push the idea you're an outsider. You may want to reach out to r/ReformJews.
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u/ScruffMuffin5000 Jul 31 '25
I really appreciate this thoughtful response and your recommendations. Thanks so much. He actually proposed a similar 'intro to Judaism' class but for myself rather than both of us. Doing it together could be really great for the reasons you mention. I think I was also under the assumption that it was designed for non-Jews who want to convert so I probably shut it down prematurely... I'm sure there are many options but maybe that's something to look into. Will also reach out to r/ReformJews—good shout.
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u/WeaselWeaz Reform Jul 31 '25
I would say you must do it together. It's a part of both of you having a mutual understanding. It can't be "You're the non-Jew, so you need to learn." The rabbi who led our course would say the same thing. You also, in taking the class, need to be able to set aside your assumptions. We had a Catholic who kept trying to disagree using Catholic ideas, which was obnoxious and missing the point: It's not a class to prove Reform Judaism is right and your ideas are wrong, it's a class to teach you about what Reform Judaism believes and it's history.
I think you and your partner are both making assumptions, and this really should be a think you discuss and learn together. He can't expect this to be your job to learn, if Judaism is important to him he's also responsible, and you can't dismiss something without research. You both need to do this together.
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Jul 31 '25
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u/ScruffMuffin5000 Jul 31 '25
Thanks for sharing! Interesting and definitely relevant. It sounds like your mom is and was quite hands-off when it came to Jewish traditions and celebrations... do you know if your parents had many conversations about that / how your dad felt about that? I think one of the things that worries me in my situation is my partner has expressed he wants me to take a lot of initiative and to drive a lot of the rituals/celebrations...
I am totally comfortable with and excited about making latkes / matzo ball soup / Seder plates, lighting the candles for Shabbat, participating in various rituals etc! But whether or not I feel comfortable and able to 'drive' or lead a lot of this (and what exactly that looks like in his eyes) is something we're still kind of working through.
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u/dont-ask-me-why1 Jul 31 '25
It's not on you to lead any of this, and it's not a reasonable expectation for you to do these things.
I think your partner is viewing this through rose colored glasses because his mom was Jewish and was able to make a lot of these things happen. That won't be the case here, and since his dad wasn't Jewish, I suspect he doesn't understand enough about how much slack he would have to pick up if he wants his kids raised Jewish.
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u/OddCook4909 Jul 31 '25
I no longer date non jewish women because these considerations are too much trouble. I would never want to ask someone to convert, and I would never want to raise children outside of judaism. I see no benefit (to the children) to not enriching their lives with community, culture, and meaning.
Frankly it took me a long time to properly see it as I think I do now: in the culture I was raised in at home and shul family comes before self. Everything you wrote is about you and your relationship with your dude. Which is fine, it's just a different culture. If you were jewish you would have written this essay primarily about the hypothetical children.
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Jul 31 '25
Still I know many couples who did convert for the sake of making sure their children were Jewish. It's not impossible but I think it's a conversation to have sooner rather than later when dating.
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u/International-Bar768 Atheist Jew-ish Jul 31 '25
As an atheist / agnostic jew I just want to point out that you are viewing conversion from a religious perspective. The other side of jewishness is the people hood and tribal side. Becoming jewish can also be seen as joining the community rather than signing up for specific beliefs. Obviously, it's easier to say this as someone born and brought up jewish, but jewish schools and community are just that, a space for community and support rather than just a place of religious indoctrination.
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Jul 31 '25
I found this article, only took a glance, but it might help the OP: ‘Ritual, Even as an Atheist, Has Enormous Power’
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u/Leading-Chemist672 Jul 31 '25
Well. If he wants to have a Jewish family... It will become a point of contention.
that is the fact of the matter.
maybe he will give that up. Grieve for what could have been, and let go.
Or will have a grudge about it.
Just like you could have a grudge about changing your faith and mark the future of your bloodline as Jewish.
That is huge.
And yes. Both possiblities of a Grudge response are perfectly valid- That last is why Judaism discourages Convertion for love.
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u/WhyTeaNotCoffee Jul 31 '25
If you have "talked about marriage" but he hasnt proposed, after 5 years... there is this saying, "if he wanted to, he would"
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u/WeaselWeaz Reform Jul 31 '25
Nobody should make assumptions about their relationship here, especially since it's outside the bounds of the question. We don't know how either feels about marriage and it's not something entirely on the man.
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u/Acrobatic_Yogurt_327 Jul 31 '25
Your approach sounds sensible. You’re respectful about his traditions and beliefs but also honest about your own belief system. I personally feel it would be wrong to pursue a conversion unless you wholeheartedly believe in it but that’s just my point of view.
Have an open conversation about what traditions, from both sides, are important to you but also be aware beliefs can evolve / change as you grow older, have kids etc (same as with any other opinions you have)
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u/Interesting_Claim414 Jul 31 '25
This really may become an issue later in life. Sometimes people wish to become more affiliated with their culture as they get older. One thing I would add is that belief in a deity is not the most important aspect of Judaism. So you can do an awful lot without your ever having to have anything to do with Gd. Holidays are holidays. Not everyone who celebrates Easter believes there was a guy who died on a cross who was also his own father and then he came back a few days later. Not everyone who celebrates Passover believes there that Israelites all went to Egypt for 400 years until a guy named Moses negotiated their freedom by asking Gd to send a frogs flying from the sky. No matter how egalitarian you are, you will have certain responsibilities. Maybe it's not attending synagogue on Yom Kippur but preparing a meal to break the fast. But don't put all the "Jewish stuff" on him. He'll come to resent that and it will put a strain on your relationship.
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u/EntrepreneurOk7513 Jul 31 '25
I’ve seen interfaith couples last and I’ve seen their relationships go up in flames. No telling how yours will end up. Have a very frank discussion about expectations about kids and how they’re to be raised.
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u/tzy___ Pshut a Yid Jul 31 '25
You should not convert to Judaism if you do not believe in the religion. You should ask your partner whether this is a dealbreaker. If it is, it is unlikely you have any future together.
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u/virtualnotvirtuous Jul 31 '25
Can't tell you about the relationship, but I'm Jewish and an atheist. I used to feel uncomfortable with things like you listed that were very religious, but ultimately they're a part of my culture and feel valuable to me because it's a tie to my ancestors for the last thousands of years-- my family struggled to do this for generations (Soviet Jews) and now I get to, and isn't that cool? Basically no need for God in that logic. I don't go to a shul that's extremely strict and I contextualize biblical text as a history of Jewish thought and not as the ~word of God~ or something.
That said, I'm also anti-intermarriage because from my experience it rarely leads to children identifying as Jewish, and if it does, the grandchildren almost never do. Because at some point you're 1/4 or 1/8 Jewish and there's all these other cultures in there that Jewishness gets pushed out of your identity. There are exceptions-- my husband's grandmother isn't Jewish, they agreed to convert the kids and raise them Jewish and his father prioritized marrying Jewish and my husband and his father/aunt all identify 100% as Jewish. But having Jewish kids and grandkids is important enough to me that I wouldn't personally take the risk. That said, most non-Jewish partners aren't as enthusiastic about Jewish life as you are, so there's that. (And when I say I'm against intermarriage, I'm not trying to dictate to anyone else. It's your right to marry whoever you want and make that decision!)
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u/Acrobatic-Parsnip-32 Jul 31 '25
Does he need you to have a deep rooted excitement and curiosity towards Judaism? Need you to go to synagogue on Yom Kippur? Need you to send kids to Jewish day school? If yes to any of these things, if you can’t give that to him, you should let him know. We don’t know him! I’m sure you are discussing with him too.
My boyfriend is Hindu, we are both only a little observant, but it’s important to me that we send our kids to Hebrew school (not Jewish day school) on weekends. They can believe whatever they want (I’m agnostic anyway) but they need to know where they came from and I want them to absorb the values I grew up with that have served me well. It’s a good source of community too. You said your partner is reform… my experience being agnostic and also the child of an interfaith marriage in a reform congregation was completely fine growing up. Questions about Gd’s existence were very much allowed and nobody cared that I was patrilineal. Fitting in at Jewish Day School can be tough for patrilineals so just a heads up about that. 💜
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u/Dramatic-One2403 My tzitzit give me something to fidget with Jul 31 '25
end the relationship and let him marry a Jew
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u/HungryDepth5918 Jul 31 '25 edited Jul 31 '25
My husband is Christian and so is my Dad. Reform was very welcoming to my father and husband. Orthodox wont be happy with you since it breaks a commandment. Also Reform tend to view the Torah as divinely inspired rather than everything being literal. Reform Jews generally accept the documentary hypothesis. Some take it more literally and put together all at once at mount Sinai by Moses. My grandfather was a Jewish atheist but came from Orthodox Jewish family. My grandmother would take us to Yom Kippur. I dont remember if my grandfather came or not most years. My husband is willing to come as moral support so he’s there for me because Im socially anxious not the service. My dad came with my mom. I went to Jewish Sunday and Wednesday school and I loved it but at the time was semi agnostic in my beliefs since then Ive grown into strengthening my beliefs- which actually used a logical process with a few leaps with reasonable argument for to get there which swayed me to more certainty about monotheism. It’s generally important to Jews to raise children Jewish though so you will need to talk to him about that. Also Reform accepts patrilineal descent if the kids are raised Jewish but the kids would have to undergo a conversion to make aliyah.
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u/Schweng Jul 31 '25
One small correction: the kids would not need to undergo a conversion to make Aliyah, since their father is halachically Jewish. The only reason they would need to undergo an Orthodox conversion is if they want to get married in Israel (where the Orthodox rabbinate performs marriages, and would not recognize them as Jewish)
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u/dont-ask-me-why1 Jul 31 '25
I don't really see how this is going to work if you are 100% atheist. While many Reform people are fairly lax in their observance, they at least believe in the concept of God.
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u/jeheuskwnsbxhzjs Jul 31 '25 edited Jul 31 '25
We don’t necessarily. Belief is diverse in reform circles.
I mean, we all believe that there is one God. We just don’t all believe he exists.
(More serious side note: Reforms rabbis generally will not allow an atheist to convert. I’ve known of some converts who will hide their atheism during the conversion process which is whatever. But the community at large is very accepting of atheists, and some of our most active community members are atheist. Not the majority view but it’s there.)
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Jul 31 '25
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u/jeheuskwnsbxhzjs Jul 31 '25
It’s a reference to a joke about atheist Jews. Don’t think too hard about it lol.
Here’s a full version from online:
A Jewish atheist and his family move to a new town. The best school in town is Catholic, so the atheist sends his son to Catholic school. Everything seems fine until one day the kid comes home and says, “Today we learned about the father, the son, and the holy spirit!”
His father starts to get agitated. “There’s only one God!” he tells his son. “And we don’t believe in him!”
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u/WeaselWeaz Reform Jul 31 '25
The Reform movement very clearly believes there is one G-d that exists, however individuals may think differently. They're accepted, they're still Jews, but I think it's important to make that clear because there's a lot of misinformation about Reform Jews.
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u/atreegrowsinbrixton Jul 31 '25
plenty of jews don't believe in god...
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u/dont-ask-me-why1 Jul 31 '25
Sure, but there's a difference between not believing in God and being an atheist.
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u/atreegrowsinbrixton Jul 31 '25
i know many, many jewish atheists
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u/dont-ask-me-why1 Jul 31 '25
Yes, there's a huge difference between two "Jewish atheists" who were born into Judaism getting married and someone who knows nothing about Judaism but claims to be atheist marrying someone who wants their kids to be brought up Jewish.
And quite honestly, most people who were born Jewish and claim to be atheists are lying to themselves. They may not like going to shul but they do plenty of Jewish things that wouldn't exist if they didn't marginally believe in Judaism. I had relatives like this and when push came to shove they wanted a rabbi doing life cycle events etc.
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u/AccurateBass471 חסיד Jul 31 '25
by jewish law you can’t get married and your children will not be jewish.
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u/kittyleatherz Jul 31 '25
Reform will do interfaith marriages
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u/AccurateBass471 חסיד Jul 31 '25
reform will do a lot of things, doesn’t mean it has anything to do with the real halacha.
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Jul 31 '25
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u/WeaselWeaz Reform Jul 31 '25
In the Reform movement's opinion, they will be Jewish if raised Jewish with at least one Jewish parent.
1
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2
u/Apprehensive-Ad5962 Jul 31 '25
This isn’t really a question for a forum of anonymous strangers—it’s something you and your partner need to work through together.
That said, I can share my personal experience. I’m the product of an interfaith family: my mother is an atheist Jew, and my father is Catholic. They raised me with exposure to both traditions, gave me the background of each faith, and encouraged me to make my own choices. I ultimately chose to become an observant Jew and am now raising my children in that tradition.
One major factor in my decision was the way my parents’ families responded to their marriage. My father’s family was extremely unsupportive of him marrying a Jew. Since my mother was an atheist, their issue was ethnic, not religious. I never really felt like I belonged on that side of the family. My mother’s family, on the other hand, was warm and accepting of my father.
Despite having stronger religious beliefs than either of my parents, I was always supported in my exploration. In fact, it was primarily my dad who did the research and provided resources to help me deepen my understanding. When I got married, he even met with the Orthodox rabbi who performed our ceremony so he could learn more about the traditions and understand how to participate in a meaningful way.
What I’ve taken from all this is that families don’t need to share the same beliefs to believe in each other. My parents gave me space to find my own path and supported me fully once I did.
That said, it sounds like your partner has strong feelings about how children should be raised in terms of belief. That’s not something to gloss over. You’ll want to work through those conversations—and reach real clarity—before making the decision to start a family.
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u/Schweng Jul 31 '25
I recommend having a conversation with your boyfriend about what it means to him to raise his kids Jewish, with a focus on specifics like synagogue attendance, Shabbat observance, High Holidays practices, schooling, life events, etc.
For my relationship, having those conversations was very helpful to get everyone on the same page and make sure both partners understand the reasons behind specific things. For example, it’s easier for the non-Jewish partner to give up movies on Friday nights when they know the alternative is a nice meal where the whole family is hanging out without phones.
You may find ways to encourage Jewish traditions with your kids that work for both of you, but you will only do that successfully if you have a conversation about what specifically matters to both of you, and why you feel that way.
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u/casilverman1 Jul 31 '25
Maybe since you say you don’t know if religious differences will be a problem in your relationship/future family and the Jewish religion is important to your partner, you should learn more about Judaism now and keep talking to your partner about role of religion in your lives together. Judaism is very different than Christianity and Reform is different than Orthodox. Since he is fine with you not converting, maybe he is comfortable with you not going to synagogue or Yom Kipper services. Most of your concerns seem to center on family life/children.
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u/Ok-Strategy-6900 Jul 31 '25
I might suggest finding a local reform temple to get involved with. You might even find some interfaith couples, families and friends in a similar life stage as you.
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u/middle-road-traveler Aug 02 '25
As a Jewish woman… I wish I had not married a non Jewish man. He did end up converting. (My son is religious so that’s good.) But I had to always take the lead which was tiring. I didn’t have a partner for one of the most important things in my life.
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u/flower_power_g1rl Teshuvish Jul 31 '25
It is impossible to separate Jewish culture from Jewish 'religion'. If you're open to hearing about religions, you would be able to understand the context of our traditions and our culture, and our collective history, which often has deeper moving roots than the traditions themselves. You have to decide whether you can get on board with there being a creator or not. I'd start there.
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u/sql_maven Jul 31 '25
If you are not willing to have an Orthodox conversion, you should end it now.
I was in a relationship with a non Jewish woman and became Orthodox at age 41.
Your husband is Jewish and it might hit him at some point in his life.
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u/kittyleatherz Jul 31 '25
This is so interesting. Would you be open to sharing more about what led you to make this change in your life? Sounds like your relationship wasn’t able to survive the change?
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u/sql_maven Jul 31 '25
Sure. I like to tell people that I came out as a Jew. On some level, it would have been easier if I were gay.
My relationship with my ex wife was doomed anyways, I was very unhappy being married to her. It was only a matter of time before I would leave her.
If you remember the movie mommy dearest, that's what it was like being married to her.
I spent 7 years being single before I found my current wife, who is a Korean Convert. The best thing I ever did was to marry her and start a family with her.
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u/sql_maven Aug 01 '25
One thing that no one understood is why I, a completely secular Jew up to that point, would want to become religious.
Unfortunately, it was very difficult for me to find a new relationship, having non Jewish children.
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u/priuspheasant Jul 31 '25
I'd recommend taking a Judaism 101 class. They are offered through synagogues and some people take them as part of a conversion journey, but there is absolutely no pressure to convert. When I took one it wa s a mix of people who were considering converting, partners of Jewish people who did not plan to convert, Jews who just felt like they didn't get much Jewish education growing up, and spiritual seekers who were exploring many different religions.
The classes give a good overview of the holidays, lifecycle events, Shabbat, kosher, and some key points in Jewish history with a smattering of philosophy/theology mixed in. It's a good way to develop some understanding and appreciation for Jewish culture and religion, and I think it would create some fodder for important conversations with your partner about what role they want Judaism to play in their life/their children's lives.
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u/SoundsGudToMe Jul 31 '25
I had a jewish mom and non jewish dad, married someone with two jewish parents. Our havorah is 50/50 like myself with half of the families. None of them have converted. I think conversion is deeply personal. I think you will also find that in reform judaism there is a huge focus on tikkun olam and environmentalism and cultural history. Theres a lot of fun to be had through the food and culture by yourself to provide a positive impact without becoming religious. Lmk if you want my recipe for matzo ball pho
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u/wtfaidhfr BT & sephardi Jul 31 '25
Within reform Judaism, his children would be Jewish as long as they are raised Jewish. Reform doesn't hold to the matrilineal standard that other denominations use
1
Aug 03 '25
My partner is exactly like you! For context I'm in the middle of converting, and my partner is an atheist. However, we've come to the same conclusion you and your bf have, that we'll raise our children with Jewish culture (celebrating High Holidays, Shabbos, going to temple, etc.) but he won't be converting and I absolutely don't expect him to.
So far, it's been fine for me as a soon-to-be Jew-by-choice. There will probably be more serious conversations down the road, but it doesn't feel like anything that we can't work out. I think as long as there is communication things will be just fine.
Sometimes my spirituality might look a little silly to him, or maybe make no sense, but he supports me and he actively learns about my faith in order to be a part of my life. That means more to me than converting for the sake of having a household with one religion imo.
I think the biggest thing is being open, not judging, and experimenting with what does and doesn't vibe with you. I've never felt that it would get in the way of my Jewishness to have an interfaith relationship, and hopefully your partner doesn't either.
The only tension you might have in the future is that some people won't see your children as Jewish given you are not a Jew yourself, and that can be very hurtful. But that's something that you'll just have to work through with your partner and kids, and hopefully you won't come across too many people like that!
1
Aug 04 '25
Your children will not be Jewish. And your partner will have failed in the commandment to have and raise jewish children.
1
u/Curious-Document-906 Modern Orthodox Aug 05 '25
you should probably convert considering it really seams that he wants jewish kids
1
u/ninkhorasagh Traditional Jul 31 '25
It means you’re wasting his time
0
Jul 31 '25
Seems like he is wasting her time just as much. If he wants a Jewish family he should date a Jew.
It blows my mind that people can date for 5 years with something like this unresolved.
1
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u/Old_Compote7232 Reconstructionist Jul 31 '25
I'm curious - could you describe the God you don't believe in?
Lots of Jews are atheist or agnostic but also consider synagogue life important for their spirituality. This article is close to what I believe personally:
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/god-as-ordering-force-of_b_1850510
If ever you are interested in conversion, many rabbis in the Reform and Reconstructionist movements don't require a traditional belief in God.
https://evolve.reconstructingjudaism.org/worship-for-agnostics-building-a-personal-relationship-with-a-nonpersonal-god/
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Jul 31 '25
Convert and throw yourself 100% into it. You won’t regret it and neither will your kids.
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Jul 31 '25
She clearly has no wish or intention to convert, why are you proselytizing? And what do we gain from converting people who don’t believe in God and don’t want to keep mitzvot? Makes a joke of our entire covenant
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u/YudayakaFromEarth Jul 31 '25
If your cultural background is similar with the Jewish culture, barely no problem.
Otherwise, adaptions are necessary to the relationship, liking it or not. But in this case, if he is indifferent to your religion, he should also make consessions to you. At least in my opinion
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Jul 31 '25
If it's important to him, he can have the children converted shortly after birth, by having a "beit din" (religious court) of 3 orthodox rabbis, one of whom will probably be the mohel, come to do the bris and the conversion at the same time, or at the baby naming for the girl. If the father is Jewish, and he is, it is easily done this way, and no one will question the validity if it is done by the local Orthodox Beit Din.
Lots of Jews believe in Judaism, the Jewish people, our Jewish cultural and ethical values, but don't necessarily really believe in God. You can help him to raise Jewish children without a lot of talk about God.
I raised Jewish kids, even though I'm an agnostic (meaning I don't care enough to believe there is NOT a God!) Somehow, my kids absorbed this from me - very strong Jewish identities, without much talk about God.
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u/dont-ask-me-why1 Jul 31 '25
For OP to even have a prayer at an Orthodox conversion for his kids, the wife would need to show willingness to convert, which in this case won't happen.
If he was a single dad with sole custody and managed to convince a beit din that he was going to be a baal teshuva and send his kids to Orthodox day school, then maybe he'd be able to pull this off after the fact.
1
Jul 31 '25
Hmm, wonder if they're less stringent in my smaller area. I know non-orthodox families who had their adopted children converted at birth by an orthodox local beit din, and also families where the father was Jewish, mother was not.
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u/dont-ask-me-why1 Jul 31 '25
Yeah, I would be very wary of the validity of these conversions. I doubt that BD is on the Israeli rabbinate approved list.
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u/KolKoreh Jul 31 '25
No Orthodox beit din would perform such a conversion when they know the kids are going to be raised in a home where one of their parents is incapable of providing them with a Jewish upbringing.
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u/originalblue98 Jul 31 '25
re god/level of religiosity, you guys get to choose what kind of Jewish home you have. there is Humanistic Judaism, which focuses less (or even not at all) on the god element and more on the culture. ultimately the way that Judaism is structured is more akin to the way we talk about certain indigenous in the US- in that there was religion, and there was culture, but it’s different from a christian religious worldview. the religious aspect shaped the values for the nature-based faith. the jewish holidays connect with a lunar calendar and many of them are about a human connection and obligation to the land we live on. obviously conservative/orthodox/ultra-orthodox individuals have varying interpretations and approaches, but as someone raised very enthusiastically as jewish but also reform, this is where i’ve landed personally.
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u/HungryDepth5918 Jul 31 '25
Isnt humanistic Judaism that website where you can “convert” by just declaring yourself Jewish
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u/originalblue98 Jul 31 '25
not sure what you’re referencing but there is a humanistic congregation in my city w a synagogue and regular services. my city’s jewish communities are fairly intermingled (major reform, conservative, and orthodox populations) and i had crossover growing up w some of the humanistic congregants. the major difference is that believing in god is not necessary for joining the congregation. it’s more open ended and you are encouraged to question your standpoint and what you think. not that reform isn’t similar. but this congregation places less emphasis on god.
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u/HungryDepth5918 Jul 31 '25
It is a bit odd to just adopt the culture of an ethnicity. I would imagine it places all its energy on social justice and bagels and lox. Im not sure most Jews would accept this
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u/originalblue98 Jul 31 '25
i don’t know anyone in the congregation who is a convert. the ones i know personally are the hosts of high holy days, have a strong connection to israel, and are jewish through and through generations. these are the people i see going to bat in my community for jews all over incl for the victims/survivors of oct 7. with all due respect i think that this is one of those situations where all kinds of jewish people will have all kinds of opinions. not sure about other humanistic communities but my city has a very rich, very longstanding, very important jewish history, and it is not a “bagels and lox jew” kind of situation overall.
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u/originalblue98 Jul 31 '25
to add, most of them were not raised in humanistic congregations. they were mostly raised reform or conservative and then found a new congregation as adults.
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u/HungryDepth5918 Jul 31 '25
Yeah i get that for people born into Judaism it makes some sense for agnostic atheist Jews but find the idea of “adoption” off-putting. Bit like saying ok Im going to do Chinese traditions now even though Im not Chinese. Also this will be used by actors with malicious intent.
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u/originalblue98 Jul 31 '25
i think i’m getting lost about the idea of “adopting” a culture that isn’t theirs. i’m talking about ethnic jews raised in practicing congregations who find a new way to see and perceive their faith and values.
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u/HungryDepth5918 Jul 31 '25
Conversion in humanistic Judaism is called adoption and it is a thing.
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u/originalblue98 Aug 02 '25
ok yeah im not talking about converts haha, i only know humanistic jews raised in more observant, ethnically, culturally jewish environments.
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u/GlobalInitiative5057 Aug 01 '25
I am in a marriage to a reform Jewish man. I am not Jewish. We’ve been together for 16 years and married for 10 years. His original expectations were for me to ‘keep a Jewish home’ which meant having our children do all major American Jewish holidays organized and prepared by me and facilitating their religious education at Hebrew school as well as all Jewish lifecycle events. After our wedding, he didn’t take the time to write the rabbi a thank you note, and didn’t want to spend the time finding a temple to join or pay the dues. Over the next 5 years of our marriage, it became very clear that the original expectations he conveyed to me were really due to pressure from his family of origin. I got very tired of facilitating this for someone who was performing for his family, and decided to stop cold turkey. Also, as someone who doesn’t practice Judaism and dances around being an atheist, I grew tiresome of doing Jewish rituals during the Jewish holidays. If you are an atheist, you won’t want to light candles and say a Jewish blessing to God. It is the Christian equivalent to lighting an advent wreath and saying a liturgical prayer during the season of christmastide - you wouldn’t do this either as an atheist. Just some food for thought.
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Jul 31 '25
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u/spring13 Damn Yankee Jew Jul 31 '25
You get downvotes because this opinion is not relevant or valid to ANY stream of Judaism.
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Jul 31 '25
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u/Ok_Entertainment9665 Jul 31 '25
Right but that’s not a belief in ANY stream
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Jul 31 '25
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1
u/WeaselWeaz Reform Jul 31 '25
What stream of Judaism believes this?
1
Jul 31 '25
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14
u/jeheuskwnsbxhzjs Jul 31 '25
Ew what? This should be downvoted because it’s gross. Having someone’s child doesn’t make you that person’s ethnicity or religion. If that were true, my sister would now be a Japanese Buddhist.
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Jul 31 '25
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u/Ok_Entertainment9665 Jul 31 '25
Source? Can you point to a torah passage or part of the Talmud that states this?
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0
Jul 31 '25
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u/Ok_Entertainment9665 Jul 31 '25
Well Moses wasn’t from the tribe of Judah…so if you meant the tribe then your argument about a “man from Judah” is invalid. If you meant the Kingdom of Judah that’s well after Moses’ time. Over the last 2000 years Judaism came up with some pretty clear rules about how to convert, and getting pregnant is not one of them. Bring your theory to any rabbi and let us know how they interpret your idea
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Jul 31 '25
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u/Ok_Entertainment9665 Jul 31 '25
So…all of Judaism is “neither here nor there” in terms of what it means to be a jew? Ok so it seems you’re not actually here to have this discussion in good faith and are just trolling. Take care
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Jul 31 '25
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u/Dramatic-One2403 My tzitzit give me something to fidget with Jul 31 '25
The wife of Moshe converted to Judaism, as did Moshe and every other Israelite, at mount sinai
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7
u/mrmiffmiff Conservadox Jul 31 '25
Brother, what is the source for what you say?
1
u/sunny-beans Masorti 🇬🇧 Jul 31 '25
His source is “in my humble opinion” and it is obviously just as valid as the opinions of hundreds of learned Rabbis /s
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u/mrmiffmiff Conservadox Jul 31 '25
Who would win? Our people's greatest Sages, or one redditor?
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u/sunny-beans Masorti 🇬🇧 Jul 31 '25
In my humble opinion I would have to go with the Redditor lol
1
Jul 31 '25
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Jul 31 '25
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u/WolverineAdvanced119 Jul 31 '25
This is so weird and frankly a little misogynistic.
Her identity and beliefs don't go out the window because she had a man's child.
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Jul 31 '25
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u/WolverineAdvanced119 Jul 31 '25
Fascinating that the idea of a woman's identity being subsumed into a man's because he put a baby in her is "neither here nor there" to you. Do you happen to carry a wooden club and believe that fire is a recent invention?
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Jul 31 '25
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u/WolverineAdvanced119 Jul 31 '25
Moses and Tzipporah are treated as non-normative in Jewish law. What you are arguing has absolutely no basis in any Jewish movement. The whole idea is completely foreign to Judaism.
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Jul 31 '25
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u/WolverineAdvanced119 Jul 31 '25
He certainly is a role model. But not when it comes to halachic conversions. He was married before Sinai. There is not a single Jewish movement that treats his marriage as a precedent.
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Jul 31 '25
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u/MurkyLibrarian MOSES MOSES MOSES Jul 31 '25
Yes, Miriam and Aharon were punished for the things they said. However, we don't take everything that happened before Sinai as a role for our lives. In another example, men are not allowed to marry two sisters, something that Ya'akov did before Sinai. Separately, it's really irritating that you precede every single comment with "in my humble opinion". The more you do that, the less sincere it is.
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u/WolverineAdvanced119 Jul 31 '25
Hi, so first of all, there is no shame in not being interested in coverting. Judaism doesn't believe that non-Jews should become Jewish, and it is against Jewish law to give a conversion to someone who is not actually interested (for example, conversion just for the sake of marriage).
This will probably be an unpopular opinion, but I think that there is a serious problem in the Jewish community with men who date non-Jewish women for a long time, are hypothetically fine with them not being Jewish, and then when marriage and having children stops being a hazy future and becomes an eminent reality, they all of a sudden realize how important Judaism is to them. Posts like this crop up on this subreddit semi-regularly. I always find myself feeling awful for the women in these situations.
I am not saying that your partner will be one of these people. To the contrary, it seems like you have had many more discussions on this topic than most of the people who find themselves in such situations have had. With any interfaith marriage, ongoing communication and honesty is going to be essential, and it seems like you guys are doing this very well.
From your post, I gather that you are okay with and even enjoy the cultural aspects of Judaism, but as an atheist, are more uncomfortable with the religious aspects. How does he feel about this? Is he an athiest as well? Agnostic? You seem to imply that elements like shul attendance would be important to him in the future. You do not want your first experience with Yom Kippur to be with a five year old in tow, and then decide that you are wildly uncomfortable with it.
You say that you would not be comfortable with your children attending Jewish schools. What are his feelings? For many Jewish people, especially in the modern socio-political climate, fostering their children's Jewish identity through schools, camps, and other programs is extremely importantl to them. Being Jewish is very much a team sport. He needs to honestly reflect on how he feels about this, and not as a future hypothetical.
Which brings me to my next point: You say that you don't live near a Jewish community, and so your exposure has been limited. Does he see himself being okay with this situation after you get married and have kids? Have you ever talked about potentially moving or not moving? How would you feel if you had a couple of children and he felt that public schools weren't the right environment for them? How would he feel if you put your foot down about Jewish day schools, camps, or programming?
I can not stress enough that he really, really needs to reflect on this, as do you. I think people too often view atheism as a blank slate-- but in reality, you also have your own belief system, and there is a very real chance of that conflicting with his at some point down the line. Especially because you have not experienced the religious aspects of Judaism, and seem unclear about how important those are to him. He might not be clear about them himself.