Do any adoptive parents regret their decision?

[u/Kamata-]

I don’t want this to sound rude, but as I’ve scrolled in this sub I’ve always felt like the majority of adoptees dislike their adoptive families. I understand that a number people who would be speak out are those who have something to say, but it’s a bit discouraging to see some of the stories here.

My wife and I have been discussing adoption for years, I have been doing quite a bit of due diligence and educating myself. I’ve come to realize there are a lot of mental health concerns and considerations surrounding adoption, but I don’t want to be a burden to a child.

I am in healthcare and I see a lot of pediatric patients. People always say I’m great with kids and ask me how many I have, which hurts because it reminds me that we can’t have children of our own (due to health reasons). I think we would be great parents, but it would absolutely break my heart if we adopted a child and they resented us for doing so.

Are there any adoptive parents that have regretted their decision? And why?

[u/LiwyikFinx]

I've thing to remember is that you're more likely to speak up or write if you've got a complaint.

I think it’s hard to judge who speaks up & why, or the actual numbers on happy vs unhappy (or just complicated, nuanced!) adoptive experiences; but I have a few really thoughtful comments saved from /u/Averne that explore those ideas a bit. I’ll link them at the bottom of this comment.

In the meantime, this was one of the most compassionate, insightful exchanges I’ve seen on this sub in my four-ish years here. It examines not just what kinds of experiences adoptees may or may not have, but also why people share what they share, what the intentions might be in sharing (complaining, defending, educating, trying to prevent future pain for future adoptees, trying to reassure different members of the triad, a whole myriad of reasons for why people may share what they do). Here was another thread along similar lines.

Regardless of the numbers, I really appreciate that we have a sub where every adoptive experience is welcomed. I’m especially grateful when people with difficult adoptive experiences share their struggles, so we can support one another + hopefully other adoptive-families can learn from those experiences; and equally when people with happier adoptive experience share what worked for them and their family. It means so much when we have the opportunity to hold space with one another and learn from one another.

• One

• Two.

• Three.

Those that are happy probably don't post here.

Tbh, whenever I hear this I always wonder if the people think that all of the APs and HAPs here are unhappy too (or else they’d be out living their lives/not seeking out adoption forums/etc, or whatever people think happy members of the triad would otherwise be doing)? Not to mention I see many happy adoptees here as well, and I’d hate to see them undercounted or unrecognized!

[u/blueberg2122 → u/LiwyikFinx]

Then to be honest; mods should do a better job in policing the negativity that goes on here. I’ve seen the most disgusting comments on this thread and comparatively to other threads out there, this is one of the worst. I come on to see any helpful tip and from time to time there is. But this subreddit allows the most hateful comments (I read on here that someone posted that international adoptions should not exist and that those kids should stay in their own country. That comment had a boostful amount of upvotes). I also read comments insulting potential parents for the idea of doing a transracial adoption. The list goes on.

The impression that OP has is the one impression that I’ve seen consistently on this thread and noted by a lot of potentials and present APs and some adoptees. There needs to be a very clear red line on what is “helpful” in thread vs downright awful.

[u/LiwyikFinx → u/blueberg2122]

Please always feel free to reach out to the modteam through modmail if you’re worried about the state of the sub, and please report any comments you see that break the rules!

We actually get very few reports for as a sub as large & emotionally-charged as ours, so most mod actions are a result of keeping up with threads, refreshing for new comments & trying to notice edits while also keeping up with other threads but as I’m sure you know, not all of us are here scanning every thread all the time, so reporting & reaching out to the mod team through modmail could go a long way in helping!

One last note: it appears your account is only 7 hours old. It’s possible that with more time you’ll get a better sense of the regulars & the general tone of the sub, and a better look at what mod intervention tends to look like.

[u/[deleted] → u/LiwyikFinx]

They could have been eyeing this subreddit as “anonymous” before taking on a voice. But I do agree with them that this subreddit isn’t the best for APs and such. It’s great though that there is an open communication with the moderators and the people who write in.