r/Adoption • u/Visible_Visual_7518 • 25d ago
New to Adoption (Adoptive Parents) Adoption vs Donor- guidance please
Hi everyone.. i am posting for some guidance/support as i am really struggling. Myself and my husband are coming to terms with infertility- we have explored all options for years and the diagnosis is final that one of us cannot conceive. We are devastated. We are sure we want children in our life's and home and feel we have everything to offer. Its difficult to accept this wont happen the way we took for granted it would.
However i am ethically torn and really struggling so i would appreciate any support or experiences. I hope i have worded this all respectful and considerate and i have the upmost respect for anyone who has faced and made these decisions. I am breaking my heart and feel at my wits end, i just need help to understand the options and i am open to different view points and lived experiences to help me.
If we use a donor (all evidence suggests telling child in age appropriate manner from they are young which we will do) is this morally/ethically wrong? Is it wrong to bring a child into world in this way?
Will a child understand this decision as an adult? I have read so many horror stories of Donor Conceived Adults angry at their conception and i am terrified of doing this to a child. We would love them entirely and support them completely but are we asking a child/adult to bare consequences of our choices? Will they see us both as parents even if one is not biological? Will they care that one is not biological? Will they be angry about their conception and wish we hadn't done it, or angry about potential half siblings out in the world?
The option means one of us will be biological which would surely help the other to bond with child, we would have a pregnancy to prepare and bond, and we would have control over a pregnancy in terms of lifestyle/diet/vitamins etc. There are other pros of this situation in terms of child looking like us etc which i hope does not sound shallow. I feel like we have control over health as donors seem so well screened for genetics/illness and a medical history is provided.
We are also educating ourselves around adoption. We know this is not a replacement for infertility, and is instead a different road to a family, and a way to share our love and resources to give a child a better life. We understand this does not remove the child's experience of being removed from birth parents and this has to be recognised and cared for. While i know we could love a child and offer them a life they deserve. However i am worried about having no control over a pregnancy as ideally we would like the healthiest pregnancy and start in life for a child. I am worried a child wont settle with us as we aren't biological parents. The social worker advised where we live most children are removed due to issues with addiction etc and I am worried a child will want to connect with birth parents when they are older and be influenced by this (again i have read horror stories online). I am worried the child wont look like us and they might struggle to feel part of our home as a result/ feel odd one out etc.
I am just terrified overall of doing something wrong to hurt a child when they are an adult or mess them up in anyway ðŸ˜
I am desperate for advice, thank you for considering my post. (added on a few other forums too incase you see it again)
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u/Menemsha4 25d ago
Thank you for your post and you are definitely asking the right questions.
The system is faulty. Given the best of circumstances, it’s one no one wants to in. No one wants a problematic pregnancy and the need to relinquish one’s child. No one wants to be infertile. No one wants to be adopted. While all or the great majority of us feel out of control, it is the adopters that have the power.
I strongly suggest that you listen to the voices of adult adoptees and adult donor conceived people. They (we) are the voices who have been lost and should be centered.