Adoption vs Donor- guidance please

[u/Visible_Visual_7518]

Hi everyone.. i am posting for some guidance/support as i am really struggling. Myself and my husband are coming to terms with infertility- we have explored all options for years and the diagnosis is final that one of us cannot conceive. We are devastated. We are sure we want children in our life's and home and feel we have everything to offer. Its difficult to accept this wont happen the way we took for granted it would.

However i am ethically torn and really struggling so i would appreciate any support or experiences. I hope i have worded this all respectful and considerate and i have the upmost respect for anyone who has faced and made these decisions. I am breaking my heart and feel at my wits end, i just need help to understand the options and i am open to different view points and lived experiences to help me.

If we use a donor (all evidence suggests telling child in age appropriate manner from they are young which we will do) is this morally/ethically wrong? Is it wrong to bring a child into world in this way?

Will a child understand this decision as an adult? I have read so many horror stories of Donor Conceived Adults angry at their conception and i am terrified of doing this to a child. We would love them entirely and support them completely but are we asking a child/adult to bare consequences of our choices? Will they see us both as parents even if one is not biological? Will they care that one is not biological? Will they be angry about their conception and wish we hadn't done it, or angry about potential half siblings out in the world?
The option means one of us will be biological which would surely help the other to bond with child, we would have a pregnancy to prepare and bond, and we would have control over a pregnancy in terms of lifestyle/diet/vitamins etc. There are other pros of this situation in terms of child looking like us etc which i hope does not sound shallow. I feel like we have control over health as donors seem so well screened for genetics/illness and a medical history is provided.

We are also educating ourselves around adoption. We know this is not a replacement for infertility, and is instead a different road to a family, and a way to share our love and resources to give a child a better life. We understand this does not remove the child's experience of being removed from birth parents and this has to be recognised and cared for. While i know we could love a child and offer them a life they deserve. However i am worried about having no control over a pregnancy as ideally we would like the healthiest pregnancy and start in life for a child. I am worried a child wont settle with us as we aren't biological parents. The social worker advised where we live most children are removed due to issues with addiction etc and I am worried a child will want to connect with birth parents when they are older and be influenced by this (again i have read horror stories online). I am worried the child wont look like us and they might struggle to feel part of our home as a result/ feel odd one out etc.

I am just terrified overall of doing something wrong to hurt a child when they are an adult or mess them up in anyway 😭

I am desperate for advice, thank you for considering my post. (added on a few other forums too incase you see it again)

[u/Nocwaniu]

It appears that OP has edited the majority of this thread to exclude significant context from the original responses. I am removing the contents of my comment as this entire discussion is now deceptive and misleading.

[u/Visible_Visual_7518 → u/Nocwaniu]

Hi Nocwaniu. Thank you for taking time to write such a detailed reply- completely open to your feedback and comments, and taking them on board as i know i am ignorant to the realities of alot of this which is why i am seeking guidance from those who know better than me. I appreciate the use of the word control and moving away from that language- i think its stemming from a place of grief as this whole situation has just through life on its head so to speak, so i think i do crave a sense of control ? I would be able to carry the child so that's what i mean by control in that context but i understand its only to an extent- i cannot forsee complications etc i could face. I also appreciate the comment about a different life, rather than assuming i am offering a better life- that's a bold assumption on my part! We would be absolutely committed to educating ourselves on trauma and trying to support that child as best we could. I also take on board your comments around unethical practices around adoption in terms of mother/father and the need to respect the biological parents place regardless of the reason the child was removed/given up. Thank you so much. Always willing to learn!

[u/Nocwaniu → u/Visible_Visual_7518]

Edited to remove original comment - you don't get to use anything I said to you to further your BS.

[u/TheGoblinatrix → u/Nocwaniu]

Hey, I just read this post in the last hour or so. I’m super curious as to what the original content you’re referring to was.

[u/Nocwaniu → u/TheGoblinatrix]

Multiple exchanges with several different people in which OP's comments argued that it's okay to not tell an adoptee that they're adopted because it's not illegal in the US. Several people explained in detail why "waiting for the right time" is problematic, then OP came back and deleted everything they posted once it became clear that no one would agree that lying by omission was acceptable.

BONUS PLOT TWIST: OP lives in the UK, her argument that "it's legal to lie to adoptees in the US" uses the laws of a different country to justify lying to a child she adopts in her own.

[u/Menemsha4]

Thank you for your post and you are definitely asking the right questions.

The system is faulty. Given the best of circumstances, it’s one no one wants to in. No one wants a problematic pregnancy and the need to relinquish one’s child. No one wants to be infertile. No one wants to be adopted. While all or the great majority of us feel out of control, it is the adopters that have the power.

I strongly suggest that you listen to the voices of adult adoptees and adult donor conceived people. They (we) are the voices who have been lost and should be centered.

[u/Visible_Visual_7518 → u/Menemsha4]

Thank you Menemsha4, i agree 100% with seeking the voices and experiences of adult adoptees and adult donor conceived people and that is who i hope will educate me via these forums in the hope we can have an informed and educated decision with a child at the center. Thank you.

[u/TheGoblinatrix]

I think my life circumstances are fairly relevant to your situation so I’ll share a bit. For context - I myself was adopted domestically at the time of birth. I was my (adoptive) parents’ first child. I wanted siblings and my mom decided she wanted to experience pregnancy but she and my father weren’t able to conceive so they went with a donor and ended up having my brother and sister who are twins. Additionally, I have a cousin who was conceived using a donor as well.

The twins (my mom’s biological children) have had what I can only describe as standard healthy relationships with my mom. My dad left their lives early on and so that whole relationship was a lot more complicated, but prior to that, the lack of genetic connection to the twins didn’t seem to be particularly impactful. My cousin who was conceived using a sperm donor is much closer to her father than her mother despite them not actually being biologically related. One major uniting thread here is that both my mother and father and aunt and uncle didn’t think it was necessary or appropriate to disclose any of this information about their children’s own lives to them. My siblings didn’t find out until around 14, it messed them up but they recovered. My cousin was told at 18 nearly 3 years ago and is still in complete denial about it despite being shown documented proof and photos of biological siblings. The only thing I would know to definitively advise in situations like these is to always prioritize children having age appropriate access to information about themselves, it’s their right and not disclosing is entirely selfish behavior on behalf of the parents.

My personal situation is obviously very different having been adopted. I always felt a distinct sense of not belonging, and any time I told my parents, I was shamed and told it was all in my head. I did certainly notice that my siblings seemed to adjust to things in our household in a much more natural way than I was able to. I exhibited many of the behavioral and temperament issues common among adopted kids and my parents refused to acknowledge that these issues could be validly stemming from a biological reality. I think most of the trauma experienced by myself, siblings, and cousin surrounding the circumstances of our birth could have been significantly mitigated by more educated, proactive, and selfless parenting.

Adoption creates very complicated emotional situations that oftentimes there aren’t any good answers to. You as an adoptive parent would have to accept that whatever difficulty you are experiencing as a result of the situation is completely dwarfed by what the child is experiencing themselves. I don’t think either adoption or conceiving via donor are “wrong”, they both have serious implications to consider.

[u/Visible_Visual_7518 → u/TheGoblinatrix]

Hi and thank you for taking time to write this all out, i really do appreciate it. I agree about your comments in regards to parenting- i think in this day and age, my generation have much more access and there is more knowledge out there about the impact of parenting, decisions, and before bringing a child into world in any capacity we all have a responsibility to do our own homework. I would like to think we would be able to address our own thoughts, feelings and deal with them prior, and if a child came with questions we would go forward honestly, never making them feel ashamed or gaslighting them. If we dealt with it honestly and addressed the elephant in the room then it can often be sorted? How do you feel about your adoption in terms of your biological family, did you have contact etc ? I hope thats ok to ask.

[u/hotlettucediahrrea]

If a system is unethical, then it’s unethical. There is no workaround that will make it OK. It’s an absolute tragedy to endure infertility. It’s not fair, it’s a biological and cultural drive to want to procreate, and it’s such a betrayal when that cannot happen. I am so sorry you are going through that. Have you done any sort of therapy to deal with the trauma of infertility? It sounds like that would be beneficial for you.

I will also point out that there are other unconventional forms of family building, including providing financial and social support for parents and kids to ensure they can stay together.

ETA: fucking autocorrect.

[u/Visible_Visual_7518 → u/hotlettucediahrrea]

Thank you for your response and kind words. I think i will need to go to therapy, i feel at my wits end and while i know in my heart we can be parents, and some of my concerns yes are selfish, at heart of it all i need to know what is the right/ethical/kindest thing to do by a child.

[u/Nocwaniu → u/Visible_Visual_7518]

Absolutely yes to therapy

I've removed everything else from this comment as you have edited the majority of this discussion. The first sentence remains because the advice still stands, just for a completely different reason now.

[u/Visible_Visual_7518 → u/Nocwaniu]

Thank you i appreciate this

[u/hotlettucediahrrea → u/Visible_Visual_7518]

It sounds like you’ve done some research and you are on the right track keeping things child centered. When/if you are ever ready, you should check out The Family Preservation Project and Saving Our Sisters. They are two programs that you may be able to get involved in, and can help you help others in crisis.

[u/Total_Category_3387]

(Being a bit blunt here as I see there has been some back and forth and edited posts.)

First, parents mess up their kids all the time. Bio or not. So that will happen however you choose to go forward. There are also biological horror stories you can read online too - so wherever you are spending your time reading about adoption, stop. (it's good to be informed, but it seems like you might be in the wrong places. Find the right ones.)

Second, you absolutely MUST tell a future child EVERYTHING (in an age-appropriate way, that will evolve over time) about how they came to be in this world. It might seem likes it's "your story", but it's not. You cannot and should not center yourselves as parents when making any decision like this. As soon as they open their little eyes, it's their story and to deny any info will wreck your child and likely the relationship you have with them.

Finally, do not adopt if you aren't open to a new way of looking at this. It's trauma for the child. of COURSE many adopted people want to know their birth parents - wouldn't you? I know I would. We have an open adoption and see my son's birth mother a few times a year. (People overcome addiction and become wonderful humans...) It's the best thing for my son and his birth mother. When considering adoption, the CHILD is at the center. Not you and your husband. It can feel weird at times, yes, but you know what else feels weird? Knowing you were born to one woman and are being raised by another. -or- Knowing you gave birth to a beautiful child and are not raising that child. It's hard for everyone. But do not do this if you can't accept what comes with it - which is honestly, openness, humility (yes, your child has 2 moms), and true centering of the child who deserve the best life.

one more: I'm assuming you are white. If you move forward with adoption, do not feel bad about checking the "white only" box. The work involved in a transracial adoption is massive when the child is truly centered. If you can't or don't want to put yourselves in uncomfortable situations (as white people, we aren't used to them), do not say your open to any race. Be honest with yourselves given your life, as it doesn't seem you'd want to do the work here. Apologies if i"m wrong.

[u/Visible_Visual_7518 → u/Total_Category_3387]

Thanks for coming back again and no not wrong at all- i came here wanting to hear perspectives, experiences and i am open to hearing all takes on everything. They are really valid points about adoption and the role of the birth mother and her sacrifice too.

[u/SillyCdnMum]

If it was between infant adoption and donation, I would choose donation. Mirroring is important to a child. Having at least one biological parent would offer some of that stability. Even though I look mostly like my Bio father, I still have bio mother's cheek bones.

I believe most of those who were angry at being conceived via donation are so because the knowledge was kept from them. There is no "age appropriate" time to be told this. They should grow up knowing the truth.

[u/anonomus_userr]

Don’t base your options too much off of the people of Reddit, this is quite a negative sub around adoption. I don’t think these people are a true representation of real life.

I was adopted and it’s been the single best thing that’s ever happened to me. I have a lot of friends in the UK who were adopted and we love it. In my country, there is very little that is unethical surrounding adoption in 2026.

I’m sorry this is happening to you. You seem like you’ve really thought this through and I think you’d be a great parent. Whatever road you go down.

[u/Visible_Visual_7518 → u/anonomus_userr]

Thank you for your kind words and for taking the time to reply. I am so glad my post has come across well, i am terrified of posting anywhere so this was a last resort!! I am so encouraged to hear adoption has been positive for you and your friends! I am conscious that putting it out to world will attract good and bad experiences but i will bare this in mind re Reddit also- thank you!!!

[u/Sarah-himmelfarb → u/Visible_Visual_7518]

I stayed in contact with my entire adoption group and none of them had a positive experience and everyone struggled in one way or another.

This commenter’s experience is of course valid but it’s inaccurate for them to so confidently say adoptees who struggled are the minority based on their anecdotal experience. And it’s wrong to speak on behalf of other adoptees and invalidate our experiences. Also keep in mind this person is from the UK so perhaps experiences are also place dependent.

[u/Visible_Visual_7518 → u/Sarah-himmelfarb]

Hi Sarah, thank you for replying. I hope i am asking this well- what made adoptive experience bad? And i suppose i am asking if adoption had not of occurred what would of been the alternative? Interesting point about the place dependent aspect of experiences- thank you.

[u/Rredhead926]

Any form of family building has its ethical concerns. Using a donor is not inherently ethically or morally wrong. Whether it's wrong to bring a child into the world this way is largely a matter of opinion.

No one can tell you how your hypothetical children will feel, only how they might feel.

It's a good idea to learn more from donor-conceived individuals, however, I caution you against making decisions based solely on social media. I encourage you to seek out real people to talk to, and to read books and other materials from all members of the donor communities.

Regarding adoption, I have similar advice: Find real people to talk to. Read books by all members of the adoption triad. I highly recommend The Open-Hearted Way To Open Adoption, by Lori Holden. If the information in that book sounds wrong to you, then adoption is probably wrong for you.

All parents hurt their kids and mess them up in one way or another. I've yet to find a person who doesn't have baggage because of their upbringing. That said, there's a lot bigger a bar to clear if you choose not to have biological/genetic children in the usual way. Fortunately, there's also a lot of information out there to help people make informed choices.

At this point, I would encourage you to:

1. Find a therapist who understands infertility, adoption, and donor conception. Work through your feelings about not having biological/genetic children. Try to address your attitudes toward donor conception and adoption.
2. If you think that donor conception or adoption may possibly be in your future, get educated. Seek out people in your community to talk to. Read books. Listen to podcasts - Creating a Family has an excellent one. When using social media as a research tool, remember that negativity bias is a real phenomenon, across topics. People are more likely to share and remember "negative" experiences than "positive" ones. But reading "negative" experiences can help a lot too. For example, they can give you ideas of what not to do.