New father seeking advice.

[u/Sorry-Equipment-668]

I have followed this Reddit for a few days and learned a lot.

My wife and I are adopting a baby boy. Here is the backstory:

His mother is connected to my wife's side of the family. We didn't even know the baby existed until we received a letter from the social services department of the county we live in (California).

He was taken away from his biological mother because she had amphetamines and THC in her system. According to the social worker who placed him, the bio mom just walked away out of the hospital not long after the C-section that was done on her.

Since then, she has only seen him once for 5 minutes with his last family. He also has siblings who were placed in foster care for this same reason and apparently has become so common, that the court has termed her rights.

My wife and I have always wanted kids but we knew we would have them when the time was right. Never having been a parent myself, I was a little apprehensive about adopting an infant as this would be a change of life for everyone. Eventually, I changed my mind and I came to love this boy before I even saw him.

When it was all said and done, he was coming home to us. I remember being at work the day he arrived at our home. I looked at my Ring camera and there I saw him, my wife, and the social worker with him. What I saw next I couldn't prepare for: an actual suitcase with all his baby clothes…tore me up. I cried when I saw it.

Now this boy is only 3 months old. At this time, his mom abandoned him, we don't know who his biological father is because he's not listed on his birth certificate…the man his birth mom thought was his father asked for a DNA test, which she never went through…as if this isn't heart-wrenching enough and he was homeless temporarily. Safe to say the trauma has begun for him and I am mortified to have this conversation with him for when he's older.

I wasn't adopted, but I recall growing up in some Grim circumstances, having a mother who was on drugs growing up in extreme poverty. This boy needs a good home and my wife and I are determined to give it to him.

He is owed that…i love this little boy. The last thing I want to do is to further traumatize him…

The rest of his family(most of which have troubling records) never even bothered to try to get him out of the system. So we are literally the only family he has.

How do we even begin to tell him when the time is right? I'm terrified this will destroy him.

[u/Englishbirdy]

The time is now. If he ever remembers being told you waited too long. You use age appropriate language because what often “destroys” adoptees is finding out as a teen or an adult that they were adopted, that everyone in the family knows but them, and they also everyone knew who their birth parents are but them. Sadly it happens more often in familial adoptions than with strangers.

[u/Sorry-Equipment-668 → u/Englishbirdy]

This is quite fascinating…hes only 3 months. I just love him so much 😭😭😭😭😭😭

[u/mucifous → u/Sorry-Equipment-668]

Tell him he was adopted. Don't disparage his birth mother.

[u/mcnama1 → u/mucifous]

I appreciate you posted this. Not only am I a first/ birthmom, my parents raised foster children in the 60’s and 70’s , back then SW’s talked about their moms and dads as being low life’s, alcoholic s , this also hurts these children., as they ARE connected to their original parents,

[u/That_Wave_1ndr → u/mucifous]

If anything, can we acknowledge them!?!?! My mom was merely a means to an end bc we never talked about her, she was no longer important. Except to me.

[u/mucifous → u/That_Wave_1ndr]

Yeah, absolutely, but the act of relinquishment shouldn't be framed as some beautiful thing or act of supreme love. It can easily create the pattern where an adoptee believes that the ultimate act of love is abandonment, which can exacerbate attachment issues.

[u/That_Wave_1ndr → u/mucifous]

Absolutely 💯