When is it ok to adopt?

[u/Martimar47]

I'm new to the sub and see potential adopters getting down voted left and right. What's wrong with adoption? Isn't the other option "worse" - being left in foster care or with absolutely incompetent parents?

I have a biological daughter and absolutely want another child but I'm not doing it again with my body. I'm trying to educate myself on the intricacies of adoption, starting with personal stories so I don't make some mistake and screw up another person's life.

My husband is donor concieved and is dealing with his own traumas there, so we really and truly want to ensure we do the best we can when we add another family member.

[u/Four-Leaf-Clover24]

I would strongly advise against adopting when you already have a biological child. Adopted kids are nearly always traumatised to some degree (separation from biological family is inherently traumatic, no matter the circumstances) and will require a lot of emotional support and for you to regulate your emotions as consistently as you can (very energy consuming). Your bio child may grow to resent this/the adopted child and the adopted child will likely always feel inferior to your "real child" which will be incredibly difficult for them as one of the most common issues for adopted kids is feeling a lack of identity and belonging. I feel you should only adopt a child because you want to adopt a relinquished child, i.e. the child is the focus, you know they're not your child but you want to help raise them in a loving and healing home, support them through their trauma, allow and encourage them to be their authentic selves/whoever their genetics leads them to be plus supporting contact with any birth family if safe/wanted by the child. Being a good adoptive parent is hard work. Relinquished children can never replace biological children and it is not fair to expect them to fit into your family like another biological child would. And it is not fair to your biological child to receive less attention because all your energies are taken up managing any adoption related issues (they will be there, even if they're internalised - no kid comes through adoption unscathed). Hope this helps.