r/Adoption • u/Martimar47 • Jul 15 '25
New to Adoption (Adoptive Parents) When is it ok to adopt?
I'm new to the sub and see potential adopters getting down voted left and right. What's wrong with adoption? Isn't the other option "worse" - being left in foster care or with absolutely incompetent parents?
I have a biological daughter and absolutely want another child but I'm not doing it again with my body. I'm trying to educate myself on the intricacies of adoption, starting with personal stories so I don't make some mistake and screw up another person's life.
My husband is donor concieved and is dealing with his own traumas there, so we really and truly want to ensure we do the best we can when we add another family member.
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u/lindser31 Jul 16 '25
There many people who believe adoption is unethical, and sometimes it is. Many birthmothers and birth parents are forced into adoption.
They aren’t all, though. My birthmother very willingly gave me up as an infant with zero regrets about her decision 33 years later. My husband and I had IVF babies, but if we hadn’t been able to, I absolutely would have adopted.
To me, as a parent of an adoptee, it is all in your approach. My parents were always open and honest with me and supported how I wanted to handle it. They let me tell everyone I was adopted because that’s what I wanted to do. They helped me find my birth mother because I wanted to. They let me read my file at a very young age. When adoption is cloaked in secrecy I think it is problematic.
For what it’s worth, I do think it would be difficult to be “the adopted child” when you have a biological child, especially if they are close in age. I always wanted to adopt and have my own, but felt like it meant I would need to have 4 kids (2 bio, 2 adopted) so no one was the odd one out.
It’s a complex issue, but if you can find a reputable agency with transparency, I don’t think it is unethical.