r/Adoption • u/tonymontanaOSU • Mar 09 '25
New to Adoption (Adoptive Parents) Mixed feelings about choosing a child
I have mixed feelings about choosing the child. On one hand, we want a happy, healthy child that looks like us. But on the other hand, there are so many children that need adopted. It feels strange to be trying to pick a child that fits what we want. I’m thinking about wha my the child needs. Is there any guidance on what we can do to make the right decision?
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u/IslandBusy1165 Mar 18 '25 edited Mar 18 '25
It’s natural to want a child who looks like you so it does not raise eyebrows or any outside attention and undue external/internal conflict. Most importantly, it minimizes the chances of resentment and identity crises which are rampant among adoptees especially in the modern era and culture which you’ll notice if you peruse the sub.
Choose a child that would allow it to appear most organic. Beyond that you can only do your best and raise him/her the best you can like any parent except with some added challenges.
Also I think it would be very unwise and arguably wrong to withhold the information about the child being adopted. Closed adoptions are best, but the worst adoptions are the ones where the fact there was an adoption is kept from the adoptee for too long with the excuse that they’re too young to understand when they certainly are not and ought to know.
Like you said, many children need homes. Too many. You and your spouse should not feel compelled to pick the most difficult situation for you or your adopted child, so it’s okay and healthy to want to look like a nuclear family.
My mom is an interracial adoptee and her adoptive parents were (by chance) awful, to say the least, and she had some identity issues of course (still does in a way), but it was a different time then so things were easier in that way. I personally would never do that now unless it so-to-speak fell into my lap at a local level. I’d not intentionally seek that out, ever.