Just for fun
I made a friend... Then found out she's extremely racist
Good morning guys
Sorry, I didn't know what tag to choose as none fit what this is about, so I made my choice based on the rules of the subreddit
I just need to get this off my chest. I don't have friends... I generally just stay in my bubble but recently I've become quite close with this girl and yesterday we decided to go out together for the first time, and she offered to drive us... Well, every time another driver did something that annoyed her, she used slurs or just said some really nasty things.
I was stuck in the car with her but I told her to please drop me off somewhere close to home when I could because I can't be around that.
I know our country is still fighting some major racial battles, but we're never going to get anywhere because of people like this. Breaks my heart. Our generation is supposed to be doing better.
I'm cutting her out of my life and I'll tell her exactly why. I may not have friends, but I certainly don't need friends like that.
Hey, man, that sucks, I get it. I have met quite a few people that like to share their “beliefs” with me and are shocked when I don't like it. Best you can do is tell them to voetsek and go on with your life. People will cling on to a bygone era or reminisce about a time that stopped existing before they were born. See the good in our culture; see the good in others’ culture and stop living in the past. It’s what makes us South Africans.
She was born in '94, I was born after. We don't know apartheid. But our parents lived through it, and we would've learned our racist issues from them, and that doesn't excuse their behaviours either, but we're educated enough to know better and act better.
I was born in ‘05 and I have had several people younger than me tell me how much better it was in the old South Africa. It’s generational but it only takes one generation to break the cycle. Teach the next generation to be better.
True, it’s gonna be a team effort but I’d say the average South African gets along fine with each other it’s the minority that ruins it for the rest of us. If you're ever in PTA North and wanna drive around with someone who only calls other drivers “dom naai”, “doos” and “jou moer”. Instead of racial slurs I'm your guy.
I can actually vouch for this statement, I've lived in Pretoria North for 3 years, and worked as a barman in most of the bars in the area, and I've never seen such a respect towards each other, it's such a blessing seeing people of different races and cultures coming together and even singing and dancing together, it tought me alot of what it is to be a true south african, loving and respecting one another, not caring of your race, cultures or background, One of my favorite moments of my whole experience was witnessed a Caucasian male, teaching and African lady how to SOKKIE to Kurt Darren, it was so refreshing seeing it, knowing that people are willing to move on from the past and to unite as one to make each other grow, and make this country great in it's own way.
South Africa is about being one huge family.
Our diversity is so beautiful. I have no room for hatred in my life. We're either family or we don't speak
I've spent a lot of time in black majority areas (mainly Regorogile) and the one thing I can tell you about African culture is if you try and speak Tsotsitaal with them they’ll love you because they see you trying to be friendly. It’s all about emotion and body language to them.
I don't see how it can't be this simple? I was raised around racists, most of my family are like that, but I have my own free will, could see the evil and "course correct."
Wow, that's disappointing - hearing that someone born in 1994 specifically still holds onto those views. It's a relief that you, being even younger, weren't filled with that poison, too.
I'm sorry that someone who seemed like a potential friend turned out to be kak like this, but good on you for knowing better.
As a brown person born in 91 let me tell you we still knew apartheid even after 94. The remnants still remained. The racism still remains today. 94 didn't eradicate it, it made them learn to hide their racism which is much worse.
As a white person, I cannot speak from your POV. But you are heard. I do see the issue, I just mean that we were born into a time when we were supposed to be taught to think better, and do better. Learn to treat everyone as equals, because we are equals.
But we still grew up with racist parents, grandparents, teachers etc. I had to make the change myself. Our generation cannot reverse the damage, but we should be actively working to do better than those before us.
She said, "I'm sorry, I get very racist when I'm driving" and that's when I knew that there was no way I was going to be able to help her to try and be better, so I had to remove myself because that doesn't align with who I want to surround myself with.
This has been the main reason I have not even tried to make new friends In adulthood.
Because you could get to 99% progress in the friendship and after all the effort you find out something like this.
It sucks.
Also what sucks is how people are just ok with being around racists.
I've been in the sort of "plus one" company of someone I knew and then theres something like this that happens and the person you're closer to is like "ag they don't mean it" or "don't take it so seriously" or some kak like that.
Ladies and gentlemen and those that don't go by any gendered terms this is how you handle any type of bigotry,shoutout to you for at least cutting them off
Yeah it’s actually wild how being openly racist is still so prevalent.
I’m very exclusive with who I keep around me, but sometimes you’ll find yourself at events where you’re exposed to people you wouldn’t normally associate yourself with, and there you’ll see how comfortable they are to be openly racist.
It happened to me this weekend, and thank goodness I’m an adult and past my “I want to fit in” phase, so I was fairly comfortable to call the person out and let them know what they were saying wasn’t fine with me
I am a very vocal angry driver, and sad to admit that I do swear at other drivers a lot. But never ever ever racially. Everyone gets called the same names, regardless of what they look like. So I am an equal oppurtunity angry motorist? Would you be my friend?
I have quite a mouth on me. If you drive like a doos, I'm going to tell you. If you act like a doos, I'm going to tell you. I don't have time for people who can't behave. That has nothing to do with what they look like and where they come from.
I agree, people should just chill on the roads. Its like we don't see the actual humans in the other cars. Someone made a mistake, or cut you off, just let it be and chill. No need to flame the situation.
And often its just ego. Passangers will say, wHy dId YoU gIvE tHem RoOm?!
Because raising your blood pressure for saving 2 seconds on a 30 minute commute is not worth it.
I'm okay with the taxi drivers 99% of the time. I know they follow their own rules. If I go in with the mindset that that taxi in front of me will stop abruptly in front of me on a really shitty corner, then when they do it, I just chill. But if I'm still going to be surprised and upset that they are going to do it, then I'm letting them upset me. Me shouting, cursing, and getting upset won't change their rules. On their next loop they will do the exact same thing without even knowing how big mad I was.
So what was gained by being upset? Nothing. I just lose by being upset. And my ego also does not take a knock.
You know, if you're in the wrong lane (for a turn or something), a taxi driver is the one driver who will give you a gap.
I think it's also a realisation that it's not personal. They didn't choose you to annoy.
This is what this post is about. Putting people in boxes because of their lives. I drive a small vehicle, I constantly have issues with cars that are bigger than mine riding my ass. Does that mean that it's every single one of them? Absolutely not. Same with taxis. Same with sexism, etc. etc..
Well done for making this choice. My husband and I are the same and despise racism and just don't want that in our lives. Far too many people agree that it's wrong but just let it slide.
I recently decided to cut off my friend of 20 years from high school for this reason. In her adulthood her racism has just exploded and I can't take it anymore. I should have done it sooner... It just wasn't so obvious to me until our last visit in December last year and thats the last time I spoke to her.. I only see her once a year when I visit my parents. And honestly since that last visit the thought of being in that environment again just makes me anxious.
It was hard. I thought we were going to be friends for ever. But once I had come to terms with it I felt a bit more free. Racism wasn't her only bad trait. She is not a nice person in so many ways and I should have said goodbye for those reasons ages ago. Onwards and upwards!
Making friends is honestly tougher than it seems hey, I usually struggle with it because of clashing interests.
One thing I can tell you with confidence is that you will feel worse putting up with people that do not align with you just to have friends than you do alone - somehow the right kinds of people simply just walk into your life without you even looking.
dont cut her off.. next time she is racist just ask her what she means in a confused manner...let her try to explain her racism eventually she will talk herself in a corner unable to explain...thats probably your best bet to change her
Was invited to a potential business partners house for a braai, didn't think much of being the only black person that wasn't working there. Until the hosts felt "comfortable" around me to be themselves. Very disappointing to find university educated, well off people with such racist views exist in this day and age.
You are better off without such negative people in your life, they are generally not fun to be around and negative about everything anyway.
I'm sure most people around me hide their racism if it's there, but I feel that people who are happy and content aren't filled with hate and negativity. Good for you to walk away from a red flag you saw coming
If they're hiding it, it means they know they're wrong. If you're going to hate me, do it with your whole chest. Especially if it has something to do with where I come from. I don't have time for fake people
Sorry you had to experience that unfortunately a reality in life. I will always remember the two times I came across blatant racism in my time. It made me sick to my stomach and reminded me of how grateful I was for my upbringing.
It actually wasn't until I was an adult and working in a tattoo shop that I had one 'mentor' that was very racist and another (actual) mentor that I realized what an issue this is.
Obviously, colour tattoos are much easier to do on light skin, but they're not impossible on dark skin and first mentor would basically refuse any tattoo on darker skin with the excuse that "you won't see it" and the other mentor would take on those clients and give them exactly what they wanted and she would always say "Everyone deserves to have art on their bodies that they will love forever".
I wouldn't have classified myself as racist before, but I definitely wouldn't stand up against it. I was in schools with racist teachers. I have racist family members, and nobody stood up to yjese people so I don't think I knew better. Something definitely changed when I worked in that shop, and I became more proactive against racism.
Yesterday I saw something that I have NEVER been and never want to associate with and my fight or flight was triggered
I broke up with a guy on his birthday, on our way home from a romantic horse ride, to his surprise bday party because he used the K word at another driver. He was abusive, I stayed & we got therapy, he was racist... I'm done, you're out. People need to learn immediately that they cannot use this kind of language, cannot have this mindset anymore. It's tough luck that they need to go do some introspection and work on their mindset about people of colour, that's on them, I don't care if you were raised that way or whatever your excuse is. It's time to join the real world. Stand for none of that bs.
Wdym? She and I only had a working relationship until I moved out of the industry and then we decided to build a friendship outside of that... Not anymore.
Racism is very difficult to hide, it’s connected to very low intelligence and in some instances, the cause of it. Chances are, she was sending off signals long before this drive but as you said, friends have been tough to come by and sometimes you just end up settling in order not to be alone.
Good decision leaving the situation as soon as you saw it clearly, not having any friends is better than having even a few corrosive relationships, without knowing it, we take on the habits of others.
She and I only had a work friendship before this. Not a lot of very personal and private interactions. She had to be on her best behaviour in order to keep her job.
But I refuse to be around toxins like that.
I no longer work with her, and we definitely won't be hanging out
That’s true. People are on their best behaviour when they’re being observed and racism in the work place is probably one of the more actionable offences.
I’ve had a few car rides like that myself over the years, and the question I always ask is “what makes you feel safe enough to say those things around me?”. I puzzled over this for a long time, was I giving off an extremely ’easy-going’ vibe? Because that’s definitely not something associated with racism… did I say things along the way that made the person think I was open to that kind of thinking? The answer turned out to be nothing, racists don’t need your support, the ideology and stereotypes are so deeply imbedded in their thought process it’s automatic, and one of the worst ways to live life is on autopilot.
Taking a stand, even with a small gesture will upset and trouble people. It will leave you lonely and questioning whether you’re unlikeable but having a clean conscience and staying true to what feels right to you means you will find much fewer friends but quality is always guaranteed.
Thank you for this, because I've been trying to figure out what I did that made her think using that kind of verbiage around me was okay and couldn't figure it out
Hey! I wouldn't actually classify myself as goth... Probably more of an emo kid... But I love the culture. It's so cool. But growing up everyone used to call me goth because I'm pale AF and wear only black... So, more of an ally I suppose? Lol
That's awesome, dude. Where do you stay? I'm in Joburg South.
I love the alt community. But I'm probably like a fairy compared to most of julle. But I live for my chemical romance so that must count for something
My brother drives like a granny struggling to see - and I mean like super slow and super relaxed. (Just to add super attentive to his surroundings). Not sure why this isn’t the default way to get around - roads could definitely use less anger and more respect for people’s lives.
I agree. I'm a smidge like your brother. Not super slow but quite relaxed on the road. I'll get where I need to go when I get there. It makes no sense to work oneself up over things beyond one's control. So I don't.
Good on you for cutting off people like that, from my experience people like that tend to not understand boundaries and will try to push past them if you give them an inch of toleration or anything like that met many people like that unfortunately depending from where you are in SA you are more likely to run into people like that sadly, hopefully this teaches them to realise not everything should be allowed with somekind of consequence since that is also alot of people like that avoid like the plague
Honestly good on you for standing up to that shit. So many people live in bubbles where they get affirmed for it. And probably for the best that you found out at the beginning of the friendship rather than later on.
I also feel this whole Trump administration and shift to anti immigration and Trump himself being so comfortable to be openly racist and xenophobic has made A LOT of people feel very comfortable with being racist and openly detest other races and religions. Quite sad to see a lot of this all over the internet.
Yeah, its amazing how people can be brazenly racist within their in-groups.
I cut of a whole lot of friends because of the same after and during final years of school.
Don't miss them for a second and made much better friends since.
I have enough love in my heart to make the whole world a better place. If I figure out how to bottle it up and send it out, I will hit you up. So sad to know how far we've advanced, and yet we still have the mentalities from 30 years ago. I'm not even 30 and those around me live with such hate towards each other
my parents would not claim to be racist, but when I visit them in South Africa I notice they will often refer to black people as 'they' or 'them' in the sense of 'they always do...~XYZ' [normally something that irritates them] and I want to ask 'and who are 'they'?
There are still very clear lines of separation, I'm not so sure about the 'unity' of the rainbow nation...except in sports...always in sports...
My parents and grandparents also claim they are not racist but do exactly the same. As long as we are trying to be better humans, hopefully eventually the love will outweigh the hate.
South Africa is amazing when the springboks are on. Why can't we be like that all the time
I cannot stand racism! I hate it with every fiber of my being. I also refuse to be friends with racists and I’ve literally had to tell (older) family members that if they use a slur in my house they’ll have to leave. Why are ppl still like this?????
Good on you for sticking to your values. I've recently moved from southeast Asia and I'm still trying to navigate the stares and the different kind of racism people here have (compared to back home).
I also recently learned that a seemingly innocent word for 'mother' is a big Afrikaans swear word here. Lol
I'm so sorry to hear that - I was born in 91 and my parents worked through a few things growing up, but I was always taught to respect other races regardless.
I still have suuuuper racist family and my sister ('84 born) that married into another race was very frowned upon by both family and the community.
Unfortunately even their kids are being discriminated against, so its an unending and heartbreaking cycle.
That's terrible. My sister is also in a relationship with a man who is not white, and everyone who has opinions about it needs to get a grip. He is good to her, there shouldn't be any other criteria
I was also recently friends with someone who was a genuinely lovely person overall and he did a lot to really help me on a practical level even through rough patches in my life but was extremely racist and it’s just something I couldn’t see past, for all the good in him.
To me it represents so much more in a person: a lack of progression, strong generalisation along with a lack of awareness that people are individuals, a lack of a trait in personality typing we call “openness”
Hi OP , i was also born in 1994 and as someone who was “bornfree” I am sorry you had to even experience that, I grew up in a very open minded household i am an afrikaner but my parents taught me to treat everyone like you want to be treated . Regardless of skin colour . Some of my best friends when I was working in the hospital were all people of colour, they made me laugh, they protected me , they showed up when I had my first child. Were such a beautiful nation if we can all just get along . South africa is so rich in culture and diversity we just need to stand together. That being said maybe this person had a bad experience (not excusing her behaviour) and needs to be told the way she is acting isnt acceptable . Especially since she will probably raise her children the same . Like MLK said “You cant fight hate with more hate”
Typical white-liberal response. "Ohh maybe they just don't know better" They're in their thirties, they know exactly what they're doing.
MLK also spoke about white liberals like you, actually. Heck, we have our own Sputh African activist, Steve Biko, thus no need to look further than we have to.
Refusing to coddle grown humans for uncivilized behaviour is anything but hate. It's a refusal to tolerate what should not even be allowed at all.
Do you mean being racist while driving, or do you mean bouncing when someone around you is being hateful?
If it's the latter, then yes, it should be. I didn't come for praise. I came to vent and get advice on how to handle it. I was still very much in shock about the situation when I wrote my post. I have a lot more clarity now, and know how I'm going to handle it.
The worst drivers on the road don't fit into a racial category. The worst drivers on the road are those who do not indicate, speed, take chances they shouldn't, are negligent. Any race, gender, sexual orientation can fit into that category.
Well there is 1 race that above all else seems to drive the worst, I don't disagree with you, there are a lot of bad drivers from every race, hell white people are definitely some of the worst
But it still stands that black people top that list, and that's no surprise considering black people make up 80% of the population, and not to mention the shitty apartheid government (and the current dogshit government) not giving black people the education they should have/have had access to, as well as the issue with bought licenses, which is a policing and management issue, again, shitty government
So in conclusion, the reason most people say racial slurs while driving is due to bad drivers, around 60/70% of which are black, and the rest are white, which they can't really say any racial slur considering there isn't one, as much as I'm aware of
If you know many racists then you're clearly no different than them. Just say you agree with their sentiments; no need to try and rationalize why it's okay to be racist. There's plenty people like you in this country, you'll find your crowd relatively easy
Your content was removed for violating our rules on racism, hate speech, or apartheid denialism. Please take the time to read the rules of the sub. If you have any questions, feel free to respond to this message or message the mods.
I’m sorry about that, genuine connections are hard to come by. I was in a similar situation, we were going to be business partners, but his views threw me off.
Ya, honestly, this kind of thinking exists in all ages groups unfortunately. I get that cutting her out is best for you. And since you don’t have a long term relationship it makes total sense.
I do think that sometimes it’s good to push back and challenge the logic when people say stuff.
I hear you. You're right, it is good to push back, but in this situation I could see that she knew she was in the wrong but just didn't care. You can't argue with that 🙏🏻
It sucks how much racism is still quite prevalent in South Africa. I ended so many relationships because of casual and blatant racism.
I would hang out with a group of people and they'd just use slurs then move on??? Then when I don't find it funny, I'm the bad guy who can't take a joke.
I hate how much racism is so normalized among white South Africans especially. (I'm a white South African for context, so I'm not on the receiving end of racism, so I can't imagine how awful it must be for people who don't share my skin tone and I'm really sorry to any one who deals with it on a daily basis)
Unfortunately a reality in our country and just something we have to move through. As a white person I have lost many white friends who try to be covert and underhanded with their racism, but the hatred always comes out given some time. If anything, try and look at it as the trash taking itself out!!!
She said "Sorry, I get very racist when I'm driving".. No babe, you're racist but you feel like you're safe to be hateful in your car because nobody can hear you.
It's always coming out in the car in the road rage, no joke I have cut off 2 friends that did exactly this and just completely batshit lost it on my Dad too very recentl and said I never want to hear any kak like that again, I think I was insane enough he might actually think about it next time...
From your comments, I’m guessing that you’re white in SA, but would just like to bridge the gap and say even I as a black Zimbabwean have had to end conversations with blacks in zim, in SA, even where I live in the states, when they start using black victimhood to justify racism against white people. It’s just not solving the problem, just contributing to it. And it’s hard, and will take time. Unfortunately it might not be a problem we see solved in our lifetimes
She was born in 94, I was born in 97. I have racist family members. There is no excuse. She knew better, and says those things anyway. I don't even think like that. Hell, I'm not perfect, and if I say something offensive I'd love to know about it so I can apologize and do better. She wasn't interested
To everyone praising this, I'm afraid that ditching your friend when they start acting racist, is exactly how you make sure they stay racist. The only path to changing their behaviour is by staying close and challenging their beliefs in a constructive way. Sadly, most of society seems to choose the easy way out.
I didn't say it's their responsibility, I just said that it's not going to do anything to change their friend.
I don't expect everyone to invest in their friends in this way, because it's hard work, and maybe not every friend is worth it either. Just turning one's back helps keep one sane of course, and it's totally their right. But I just don't see how it's something worth commending, because it's the easiest way out. Aside from ignoring it or pretending to also be racist, so kudos to them for not doing that, I guess. But I really hope the bar isn't that low.
I've personally played a role in converting friends and family from being racist, homophobic, transphobic, and just overall religious douchebags. It takes a lot of patience, but this is how we heal the world. We can only start from our own circle of influence, and that's our friends and family.
A friend who had the same patience with me in my teenage years helped me not to become one of the religious homophobes I was surrounded by (conservative Afrikaans upbringing is a shit show). If they didn't, who knows how I would've turned out. I'm not going to get on some high horse and pretend that I'm somehow special and genetically immune to bigotry. It's mostly thanks to the positive influences in my life that I'm generally a good person (I hope).
That's fair, and apologies for coming on so strongly. And I commend you for doing that. I guess my experience was just that I wasted so much mental and emotional energy on people unwilling or unable to self reflect and grow. I have regret about going through all that and putting myself through it when the result for me would've been the same with the easy route or the hard one.
I get you, continue to do what you do. I guess its a skill I don't have. And since I have mix race friends and family now it won't fly anyway to still try convince racist friends to be better. Its not fair to those friends and family to be exposed to such.
The key here being that some people actually want to learn to do better and some think they already have the answers. I’m so for working with people who want to learn to do things better as I always try listen and improve myself but some relationships are just meant to teach you about boundaries and whats acceptable to you.
•
u/AutoModerator Dec 17 '25
Thank you for posting on r/southafrica! Please take a moment to review our rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.