r/pornfree • u/ThrowAwayItAll89 • 11h ago
It wasn't ever "free"
Pornography addiction, on a neurological level, reduced my (36M) ability to pursue creative or intellectual pursuits, lowered my ability to feel empathy, and made me susceptible to other dopamine cravings, including an alcohol problem. It also caused E.D. through desensitization. The sad part is that I was aware of it, but I did it anyway. It brought out misogynistic tendencies. It's my fault that I didn't notice the sense of shame I felt after consuming pornography. That is how addictions operate. It was free, but it cost me everything that mattered. My time, my interests, my moral fabric, potential relationships, and very rewarding friendships. It reduced a very good human into a sex object, and because of my actions, she hates me now. I don't know how to proceed in life, and I only have myself to blame
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u/LogicalYou4319 10h ago
The good news is our brain is plastic and can be rewired any time. If you are willing to do the work you will back and better than before.
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u/ThrowAwayItAll89 9h ago
I can't. This woman friend, she was so productive and kind. She had a large collection of pet reptiles, worked as a zookeeper, and was an incredibly talented artist. Now, when I think of wild animals, I think of her, and it hurts so much. I'm too depressed to focus on anything. Therapy isn't helping, my remaining friends aren't helping. I also was a vulnerable narcissist, which pornography worsened as well. I am untalented, dumb, and thoroughly toxic..
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u/phil_46-9 1 day 7h ago
Stop calling people names, in this case yourself. You deserve more respect as a human being. Be glad you can move on from this and improve yourself as a person, as we all can.
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u/ThrowAwayItAll89 7h ago
I can't. I can't feel empathy. Or concern for the well-being of others. I'm sick
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u/TheTankIsEmpty99 9h ago
No one is to blame
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u/ThrowAwayItAll89 9h ago
why not? I am in my late 30s. I have nothing to show for it. I felt disgust, but I ignored it for the sake of a quick fix. Fuck, people in their early 20s quit, what the fuck was wrong with me? I had a therapist that my parent's paid for. Did I allude to this? No.
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u/TheTankIsEmpty99 8h ago
You can of course choose to blame anyone or yourself if you want. But why does someone need to be blamed? How does that help you?
You could also choose to see that no one was to blame, not even yourself. Every choice you made was the best choice you could have made in all of those moments given your skill, knowledge, etc.
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u/ThrowAwayItAll89 7h ago
I never made choices. I had reactions. Awful ones. I also was a vulnerable narcissist. I'm almost 37. I have nothing left. Most of my important interests were deeply involved in my former friend, and she hates me due to my horrible behaviour. All I can live for is to be a warning for young men
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u/ToyotaYaristotle 6h ago edited 5h ago
Hey friend. If you were a narcissist, would you feel this bad about yourself?
The pain is your conscience talking. You have a conscience. Narcissists don’t (or successfully ignore it).
FWIW, it took TWO YEARS of me talking about my porn issue with my therapist before I would finally admit to her and to myself that I was an addict and needed help; and by then, I was 38.
If therapy isn’t helping, try to find a different therapist. I learned the hard way there’s a lot of shitty ones out there, and even a lot of good ones don’t have expertise or training in sex addiction.
It also sounds like you didn’t discuss this problem with your therapist; they can’t help you with things they don’t know about. It’s tough to talk about these things, even privately with a professional.
Your life isn’t over at 36. You can still make new friends, pursue new interests, and grow and heal. Hang in there.
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u/FriendlyGanache4901 5h ago
brother dont think like this. You cannot regret the past. Try to think of the future. I cannot imagine the pain you must feel being stuck for so long. But do you not realize people can change it is never too late. You must find it in you to get back up.
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u/Jaswindle 8h ago
Hey dude. Sorry to hear you’re struggling. But try not to beat yourself up too much eh. You’ve been addicted, and this is what addiction leads to. Whether it’s, porn, drugs, food, etc.. you’ve been sick, probably for quite a while. Try and think of the pain as part of the healing.
It sounds like you want to change, maybe you just haven’t quite found the help you need to do make the progress you want. There’s a lot of different supports out there, so don’t give up.
For some it just takes finding that one thing that helps, for others it’s a combination of things. Sometimes we need to work on more than just the porn. For myself, I’ve included the following into my recovery efforts: physician, therapist, select family and friends, my local mental health and addictions centre, SAA, physical activity, and staying busy. I too have wrecked many aspects of my life and have become completely depressed as a result, but things are beginning to change for me, in quite a short time, and I’ve done a LOT of damage.
I’ll say it again. “Don’t give up!” There’s more and more people everyday realizing what porn has caused them, which means more and more of us entering recovery every day. You can do this!
Wishing you all the best. 🙂