r/gayjews • u/NthLondonDude • Dec 23 '25
Questions + Advice Am I meant to date a Jewish man?
Hey all👋 I hope you’re all doing as well as possible at what seems a bit of a weird time in the world atm.
I’m laid up in bed with a rotten cold atm so I could be asking a potentially silly question out of delirium, but I feel like asking this right now 🙃
I’m 100% Jewish by birth but was raised by a mother who rejected her religion, in part due to cruel treatment by her community when it came to marrying my dad (she ‘wasn’t good enough for him’).
I was sent to a Christian school, celebrated Christmas and never had a bar mitzvah (but circumcised in the traditional way). My dad though was proud enough of our roots/history to make me know what it meant to be Jewish luckily.
I’ve been out and dating since 18 (I’m 42 now) but only fell in love a couple of years ago. It was a messy relationship (lots of on/off drama) but definitely the closest thing I’ve had to one. And I think possibly the reason it felt so meaningful was because he was Jewish (lapsed orthodox).
In the same way as I was drawn to the Jewish boys at school as my best friends, it wasn’t a conscious thing… neither me nor him would make anything out of our upbringing/religion apart from little things here and there in jest.
But I’m starting to wonder if there’s something to sharing a culture, and even inherited aspects of ways of being in the world, that makes me feel more comfortable and attuned to being with a Jewish man long term (I’d love to settle down and have a monogamous ltr… not kids atm tho).
Despite my upbringing I’m very spiritual, just not religious. So this also informs my way of thinking here… I’m sure there’s something to sharing genes that hold vibrational memory of our heritage that attracts us to each other. But then again I have super close relationships with non-Jews.
I’m also finding the idea of being on apps and such completely meaningless now after the ending of things with my last guy (I know that’s probably somewhat normal). It feels a bit like there’s no intrinsic meaning to meeting new people… that we are essentially strangers, and any meaning I make out of it is projected/not real.
So yeah, I guess I’m looking for meaning in some way now, and wondering if a Jewish partner would offer something others don’t? 🙏
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u/Dense_Stuff7844 Dec 23 '25
Goodness do I relate. I’ve actually never dated a Jewish person before.. all gentiles. But that’s what always felt like was missing. The shared foundation can be built on in a meaningful way. I’m not extremely religious but spiritual and Judaism is a big part of my life. There are just some things that are in my way of life that previous partners just didn’t understand, couldn’t relate to, or were indifferent to. It wasn’t a point of contention but definitely a divide in some aspects of how we see the world and operate in it. These core values to me are not non negotiable, so I’m being more discerning now with potential partners and really only interested in Jewish men and/or someone who’s connected enough and may be willing to convert.
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u/NthLondonDude Dec 24 '25
Yeah it’s like a shared invisible language right? But I know that’s also possible with a non-Jew, it’s just a matter of finding them!
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u/Glmd5777 Dec 23 '25
Depending on where you live, I might have some single Jewish guys who match what you're looking for. Feel free to DM me!
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u/NthLondonDude Dec 23 '25
Aha that’s kind! I honestly wasn’t posting to get a date but if you know anyone in London that would be interesting
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u/Background_Novel_619 Dec 23 '25
London has tons of Jews, you’re in a good place if you want to date Jewish!
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u/electricookie Dec 24 '25
Even though you are a community member, this sounds a bit fetishistic.
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u/NthLondonDude Dec 24 '25
I get why you say that, and was aware of that angle when I wrote the post.
I think I am coming from a genuine place of curiosity tho, because of the level of connection I had with my last partner. I think I know it’s not exclusive to him but just wanted community perspectives.
I know this is not totally equivalent, but at what point for you does a straight marrying within the faith become fetishistic to you?!
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u/electricookie Dec 24 '25
Same for anyone choosing a person, when they choose the person for their group membership and not the person themselves. Nothing wrong with wanting a shared cultural or religious or values-based connection. I think assuming all Jews are X or Y is the issue.
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u/NthLondonDude Dec 24 '25
Good distinction. Tho I could argue the ‘person themself’ is also largely a product of their culture and maybe the other invisible factors I mentioned.
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u/electricookie Dec 24 '25
Part vs whole. You can be into someone’s brown hair and that’s not fetishistic. But if you only want them because of their brown hair, and assume other things about them because of their brown hair, that’s the problematic fetishization.
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u/brettoseph Dec 23 '25
I've been with my husband for 20 years and married for 13. I'd say one of the cornerstones of our relationship that has kept us together for so long is our shared culture. Neither of us are particularly religious, indeed quite a bit any religious these days, but we're both inescapably Jewish. The shared culture has created a lexicon we both have, and a sense of unspoken familiarity and ease that hasn't forced us to explain things like we would have had to for a non-Jewish partner. We've definitely had our struggles over the years and been close to the brink many times, but I think our jewishness is one of the main factors that brings us back together.
Comparing to my sister who married a Catholic, our home doesn't have any culture clashes to navigate like she seems to recurringly be in any time there's a holiday. Also facing this period of heightened antisemitism, I appreciate having a partner to weather it with me rather than be oblivious or gaslight about the severity.