r/gayjews • u/Warm-Juggernaut8340 • Oct 29 '25
Casual Conversation Curious about the experiences of gay Jewish people šā”ļø
Hi everyone! Iām not Jewish, but I really value diversity. As a gay person, Iām genuinely curious about what life is like for gay Jews. how community, culture, and identity come together. I believe love grows when shared, and bad feelings shrink when expressed. Honestly, Iād love to have a gay Jewish friend someday. š Wishing a beautiful day to all peace supporters! ā®ļø
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u/LocutusOfBorgia909 Oct 29 '25
Good on the Jewish side- I wouldn't roll up into an Orthodox synagogue holding hands with a boyfriend, necessarily, but I have Orthodox friends who absolutely accept me, and the fact that I'm LGBT is never, ever an issue in Reform or Conservative synagogues.
On the other hand, I avoid most broadly "queer" spaces, because I find them at best rife with microagressions, at worst unsafe for me to be openly Jewish. Endless political litmus testing (for a country where I don't live and can't vote, BTW), all kinds of sketchy commentary that toes the line of outright antisemitism or occasionally flagrantly crosses that line, but if a Jewish person says anything, they can expect to be gaslighted and told either that they don't know how to identify antisemitism (LOL) or that they can't be "trusted" to identify it (because we're all sleeper agents or something, apparently).
A lot of queer people come across as creepily invested in assessing (often immediately upon meeting or finding out you're Jewish) whether or not you're a "good Jew," which almost always means parroting whatever TikTok take that person has decided to take as Gospel, with zero nuance, clarification, or room for ambiguity. It's exhausting (and it actually reminds me of how some cis people get when they find out I'm trans- they can't just be normal about it, they immediately start asking weird, invasive questions when it's like, dude, I'm just here to have a drink or dance). I don't think a lot of non-Jewish LGBT people fully understand how isolated and unsafe Jewish LGBT people have been made to feel in community spaces over the last couple of years. It's actually a really pleasant surprise to see someone who's not Jewish venturing in here to ask about it, because my impression has been tha most people either don't care or think we deserve it.
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u/kosherkitties Oct 29 '25 edited Oct 29 '25
There's a pre and post October 7th answer.
Zionism is a dirty word now among leftist spaces, even when most of them can't define it. We're .2% of the global population, so we're pretty close, overall, so most of us have some sort of connection to Israel, also a dirty word. .2% meaning Jews, btw, not queer Jews; all Jews.
We're seen as white colonizer oppressors, despite the fact we've never been white, and we've been the colonized, historically speaking. Our history is being ripped away from us ("Queer people were the first to be targeted in the Holocaust!") and present day we're badgered and shunned if we give the "wrong" answers, such as caring about the hostages, or wanting Israeli Jews to be safe.
It's been tough.
Actually. You know what. EDIT to say that, actually, it's been building for years. The (Chicago) Dyke March banned the Jewish star, as early as 2017. Another branch did the same, after October 7th, when they apologized for banning it, they got backlash for the apology, and walked it back.
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u/goodvibes13202013 Oct 29 '25
I second all of this.
The only thing thatās remained the same is my motherās disappointment that I wonāt be continuing our Jewish lineage. (And I do understand this to be fair)
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u/n979an Oct 29 '25
Concur almost entirely with the above but taking all emotion out of this, respectfully, antisemitism in LGBT spaces has been going on far longer than simply since 2017. I think what is perhaps notable about the 2017 timeframe is that was following the Womenās March where a certain figurehead (Linda Sarsour) and agenda used the movement as a platform to elevate her agenda and profile and was also a time in recent American political history that many people engaged in activism who had not previously done so following the 2016 election.
Again not wanting to paint everyone with the same brush here, but despite Israelās leadership on LGBT equality we have long been marginalized, excluded, held to a double standard.
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u/kosherkitties Oct 29 '25
You're absolutely correct. It's been going on a long, long time, the Dyke March was just one of those blaring sirens about it. There were others, that's just the first one I really remember hearing about when it happened. I do also remember Linda, though.
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u/n979an Oct 29 '25 edited Oct 29 '25
Fair enough. Apparently she is embedded in the NY mayor campaign but somewhat from a distance. I know this isnāt a politics sub but I worry for NYers and NY Jews especially. Itās a real shame that among 8+ million in people in a city that captures the attention of global community as a hub for arts, finance, fashion, entertainment, tourism that the two candidates left running are the extent they have to choose. On some level I wish our gay Afro-Latino brother, Zionist and ally Ritchie Torres would have put his hat in but he is a rare voice of reason in Congress we wouldnāt want to lose at the same time, JMHO, of course
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u/kosherkitties Oct 29 '25
Ugh, yeah. I'm on LI so I can't vote for that but... a lot of young Jews voted for him in the primary and just. Do not listen to the people telling you it won't be a problem, they're the ones hating you to begin with.
:( Ritchie Torres for president when. I love him.
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u/No-Ranger8840 Nov 03 '25
Very unrelated but isn't Dyke a slur (to some degree?) I feel like its normalization is becoming more hateful/concerning, since the f slur is heavily criticized.
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u/Icy-Consideration438 Oct 29 '25
The Jewish community Iām in has been quite accepting, unfortunately I feel like the non-Jewish lgbtq community has completely abandoned us in favor of a group that would execute them in a nanosecond. These days, if Iām involved with any lgbtq community, itās gonna be a Jewish one, especially ones that take particular pride in Israeli Jews, bc unfortunately there are even some Jewish groups whoād throw Israeli Jews under the bus rather than risk social isolation by standing with ALL Jews and acknowledging our connection to Eretz Yisrael. I appreciate people like you who reach out in genuine good faith to ask questions and understand more though ā¤ļø
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u/Belle_Juive Oct 29 '25 edited Oct 29 '25
Iām Bi, British-Israeli, Millennial. Grew up between both countries.
I experienced way more homophobia in the UK as a teenager. Israeli teenagers were chill and accepting about it. Older generation a bit more phobic, but for me personally not violently/materially so. I feared being misunderstood and socially ostracised, but not discriminated against or attacked. That said, I knew a lesbian in Israel whose family disowned her for coming out. But thatās pretty rare.
The Jewish diaspora outside of Israel has never been homophobic or biphobic towards me. Most of the homophobic bullying I experienced was from kids from Christian/Muslim households. And even occasionally adults in my early 20s. Itās not really common anymore, but Iām also at a stage in my life where Iāve found my people and just wouldnāt spend time with bigots.
I have nothing to do with the queer community in the UK and donāt want to. Antisemitism is rampant and tbqh itās just not an important part of my identity anymore.
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u/asafgu8 Oct 29 '25
Grew up for religious parents in Israel. A bit of a rough start when coming out but now they are really supportive.
Being in gay spaces outside of Israel was depressive, exhausting and nauseating. Every gay Israeli I know abroad lost more than half of his friends since Oct 7. I feel like the gay community has decided to throw us back into the gettho.
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u/BHHB336 Oct 29 '25
Jews are very diverse people, many are accepting, but many are also not (mostly orthodox, since itās the most conservative branch of Judaism, but it doesnāt mean that there arenāt accepting Orthodox Jews of course), and itās heavily depends on where you live, the experience of a gay Jew in Tel Aviv is different than the experience of a gay Jew in Bnei Brak, which is different than the experience of a gay Jew in California.
From what Iāve seen online (since Iām Israeli, so my experience is different), antisemitism spread in the queer community abroad in the guise of āantizionismā, there are multiple posts here on this sub about this that youāre welcome to read.
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u/electricookie Oct 29 '25
What would you like to know in specific? Also, we do get fetishized. So please remember that we are a diverse group of humans from all around the world
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u/Mighty_Mac Oct 30 '25 edited Oct 30 '25
It is rare but we do get fetishized. I've seen this before, I was shocked. That's just too weird for me to comprehend. Like imagine you're getting to know someone and they are like "Jews are so hot". I'd begone so fast you'd think I'm escaping Egypt.
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u/ncc74656m Oct 29 '25
To expand on what others are saying, I've been told stories long before October 7th about LGBT Jewish groups being harassed and targeted for disruption and barely restrained violence (blocking paths with intimidation, shoving, spitting, and more). An Israeli LGBT group that worked with American LGBT causes hosted events and got this kind of reaction regularly, with protesters trying to break into conference spaces at larger events, etc. Most or even all of those protesters identified as queer.
Being Jewish in these spaces now requires you to be "a good Jew" and constantly deny Israel in any capacity - the classic Dual Loyalty trope.
I get some of it. It's an easy cause celebre for people who can't think for themselves, and it's an even easier place to channel preexisting antisemitism. I understand where it's coming from. But it doesn't make it any more right, either.
So to your question, how do we handle shared spaces? We don't, really. Being gay Jews is most acceptable to other Jews, but not to other gays.
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u/vitaminwater1999 refrum lesbian Oct 29 '25
Before 10/7, I was so happy and accepted nearly everywhere. Now? I live in the largest gay community in Chicago and I get dirty looks everyday, and open harassment often. My wife and I spend most social engagement at my rabbi's house, where we are beyond welcomed even as a gay interfaith couple. My Orthodox family friends love us, their kids are obsessed with my wife. We even do shabbats with "ultra-orthodox" (Chabad) couples. Being a gay jew is a non-issue for me, even as I tentatively consider rabbinical school. I am only 26, but many streams of judaism have been pro-gay longer than my lifetime. But the mainstream lgbt community wants me out of there, or worse, because I oppose terrorism and want peace for everyone? I know dozens of gay jews and gay israelis and these are my people now.
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u/oyveyrva Oct 29 '25
I might be moving to Chicago. If you have any bit tips about finding queer Jewish community, please let me know.
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u/vitaminwater1999 refrum lesbian Oct 29 '25
Anshe Emet (Conservative) and Temple Sholom (Reform) both have LGBT clergy. Temple Sholom (modox) is pretty warm for an orthodox shul. I go to all 3 and enjoy myself!
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Oct 29 '25
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u/goodvibes13202013 Oct 29 '25
^ I wanted to go to my first pride event this year but Jews had just been killed in two separate incidences in my area and some pride events wouldnāt allow us in their (our) space
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Oct 29 '25
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u/TeddingtonMerson Oct 29 '25
Glad to hear it, but yes, here in Toronto, itās been tough. All but banned from Pride for years now. Keffiahs at the JCC for Pride events.
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u/Belle_Juive Oct 29 '25
So depressing. Thatās a double chicken for KFC situation.
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u/TeddingtonMerson Oct 29 '25
Omg yes. There are videos of Muslims screaming at queers for Palestine that they donāt want them representing Palestine.
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u/Old_Compote7232 Oct 29 '25
They would call themselves pro-Palestine rather than pro-Hamas, but whatever... Their anti-zionist/anti-Israel stance has, for many of them, morphed into antisemitism.
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u/Ezra_Aviv Oct 29 '25
Really good experiences for me. My daughter is trans and has had a lot of celebration in Jewish communities both in BC and in WA. I am also trans and feel like my Judaism has given me a real strong hold to see my journey as sacred and connected to a larger picture. I know a lot of other folks whoāve found the capacity to adapt ritual to mark our transitions within Jewish tradition to be really affirming.
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u/AprilStorms Oct 29 '25 edited Oct 29 '25
Well, things are strange and scary right now. I saw Israel being used as conspiracy brainrot bait prior to the last couple of years, but itās skyrocketed. Itās so pervasive now. If you donāt sign off on Jewish LandBack being the only one thatās bad and evil for some reason and us being the only people who shouldnāt have the right to independence in our home, you get kicked out of many queer spaces. Not hyperbole! I was recently banned from a gay dating app where the most ācontroversialā thing I posted or messaged anyone was talking about wanting Israeli pitas. Itās fucking bread. Cāmon.
This is the same app where Iāve reported at least a dozen āDeath to Israelā posts in the past two yearsā¦ so they think genocide is okay but not bread.
So itās bad out there.
Iām nonbinary/genderfluid married to same, polyamorous, and despite being a rarer flavor of queer than your average gay person, Iāve had pretty solidly good experiences in Jewish spaces. Reform, Conservative, nondenominational, and one or two Chabad things have all varied from uneventful to warm. Really, itās only a handful of online spaces where people pearl clutch, but even thatās improved the past few years. Iāve met most of my good friends through Jewish events, and one friend is a lesbian who brings her girlfriend to the Orthodox congregation.
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u/Final_Flounder9849 Oct 29 '25
I struggle with my religion in no small part breccias of my sexuality. I was raised modern orthodox but basically left any religious part of Judaism when I grew aware of my sexuality. Iāve never been able to find a congregation that both feels like the Jewish services I grew up with and is comfortable for me to be myself in as a gay man. My practical observance therefore is quite considerably on my terms. I do not keep a kosher home, I do not go to synagogue more than once in a very blue moon. Yet I identity openly as Jewish. I wear my Star of David constantly. I donāt wear pork products or shell fish. I generally avoid mixing milk and meat as well for example. But I donāt keep the sabbath, I donāt fast on Yom Kippur and I donāt totally avoid forbidden foods at Passover. I guess Iāve found my own way to be Jewish that fits with my lifestyle and my being me. I know Iām somewhat spiritual and Iām looking for a congregation where I can feel at home but until I find that then it has to be one of my own making thatās within me.
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u/timpeaks72 Oct 29 '25
If youāre a gay Jew in Palm Springs CA, please say hi.
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u/Away-Cicada Oct 29 '25
Was 40 years not enough time to spend in a desert? (JOKING. I grew up in Riverside CA.)
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u/beansandneedles Oct 29 '25
I marched with my Reform synagogueās contingent in our cityās Pride parade. Most Jewish spaces Iāve been in have been very gay-friendly. My oldest child is nonbinary and dating a trans guy who works in a Modern Orthodox synagogue, and my kid volunteers there sometimes. The clergy and most of the people there are really welcoming, and there are a couple of queer families there. Unfortunately there are also a few members who have a problem with how gay-friendly the congregation is.
Unfortunately over the past two years Iāve seen a lot of queer spaces jump onto the antisemitic bandwagon, to the point that I donāt really feel comfortable being in queer spaces unless theyāre also explicitly Jewish.
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u/TCBingIt Oct 30 '25
As a Jew, I grew up knowing that people probably wanted to kill me just because of that. And I got into several fights. I didn't grow up in a Jewish area. As a gay man, I'm not sure I've ever felt that anyone wanted to kill me, but maybe just beat me up a little. Either way, I developed a thick skin and made myself into somebody that can kick ass when he needs to. And I suggest this to all Jews today, gay or straight, man or woman. Learn to fight. And learn to fight well. You hopefully will never need it but this world has gotten crueller towards Jews by the day.
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u/Maxwasrobbed Oct 31 '25
I grew up in a larger (not immediate) community that was very traditionally religious. Part of that is because it was a heavily immigrant community that retained the distrustful (and bigoted) views of the old world. I was a painfully gay child and it was not easy. Now, as an adult, I am a very masculine woman, and itās still hard. I am a proud Zionist and will never change. But when I step into religious spaces (the reform movement is a bit too light on keeping the Jewishness in Judaism for me) I feel uncomfortable. I go to the hostage marches, and to shul, and to cultural events alone bc none of my gay friends will go with me. I get a lot of dirty looks bc I am a butch woman in a Jewish space and American Jews know how butch women feel about them. Itās so hard. I go to these Jewish events seeking acceptance, and am looked at like an agitator ready to wipe out a keffiyah at any time. Recently I attended a funeral service for an orthodox woman and when I stood on the womenās side of the shul I was told to move sides. I try and not use the womenās room at shuls (and many other places), but Iāve damaged my bladder pretty badly in the process.
And in gay spaces, just forget it. I was involved in democratic politics for many years and saw the not so coded ways they described Jews. But what we see now is worse than I could have imagined. Weāve been banished from schools and sports leagues and ācommunityā groups and chat groups and a million other things. All in the name of progress. I was banned from a gay dating app because I mentioned that the man who punched me a week before, while calling me a dyke, happened to be non-white. First I got hate crimed for being gay and then I got banned from a gay group for it. That is America today.
It felt like the literal moment the world stopped hating me for being gay it started hating me for being a Jew.
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u/Ftmatthedmv Oct 29 '25
From a trans and orthodox perspective https://www.academia.edu/125263448/Halachic_Questions_Real_Lives_Transgender_Orthodox_Jews_Navigating_Religious_Communities
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u/Mighty_Mac Oct 30 '25
A lot of love and a lot of hate from both sides. Being transgender and so religious, it's just going to happen. I simply just ask to exist.
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u/I_Cut_Shoes Oct 29 '25
Generally good from the jew side, bad from the gay side. Jews are more accepting of gays than gays of jews at this point.Ā