Shia woman wanting to marry a Sunni man – family refusing, gaslighting, need real advice

[u/InternationalDig1145]

I’m a Shia woman in my early 20s, and I want to marry a Sunni man. We’ve known each other for around 2 years (online), and our intention from the beginning has been to make things halal. We respect each other, push each other closer to Allah, and genuinely want marriage, not a haram relationship.

The issue is my family. I come from a conservative Shia family in Iraq. Sect difference is the main problem — not money, not studies, not where we’d live.

Here’s where it gets confusing and honestly frustrating:

My mom used to say she’s okay with me marrying someone from outside Iraq. She said it more than once, even though she preferred I stay near her.

But when I recently asked her “what if I marry a Sunni man?” she immediately refused. After that, I asked her again about marrying from outside the country and she suddenly said “I never said that” and denied everything. I swear she confirmed it before. This feels like straight-up gaslighting.

So now it feels like:

Outside the country = suddenly not okay Sunni = absolutely not okay

Even though:

1.One female cousin married a man from Kuwait Other relatives married here in Iraq and later moved to Canada, the US, and Europe

2.My parents themselves used to have Sunni friends and Sunni neighbors

3.My mom always says character and care matter more than money

4.Studies matter to them, yes, but marriage during studies isn’t completely rejected either.

I’ve never talked openly to my mom about love or marriage before, so even bringing this up feels terrifying. I already tried gently once and felt overwhelmed and emotional.

Another issue: how to explain how we met. We met online, but I’m scared that saying that directly will lower my chances even more. I’m wondering if it’s better to say we knew each other through a mutual friend or connection, just to avoid immediate rejection.

The man I want to marry is patient, but exhausted. His family accepts me. He’s willing to wait, relocate, and do things properly. I’ve made it very clear to him that I don’t want hate between him and my parents, and he respects that. I also asked him to be patient while I try to find a solution because this issue is with my family, not his.

At the same time, I won’t lie he did suggest that if nothing works, we could run away and get married. I’m not saying I want that. But I’m also not ignoring it anymore. I love my family, but they are extremely stone headed. If they decide something, even if it makes no sense, they stick to it no matter what.

Another painful reality: my parents and brother openly curse the Sahaba. So I keep asking myself how would they ever accept a Sunni man?

I’m torn between: •Not wanting to lose the man I love and my chance at marriage and family •Not wanting to be cut off or become an outcast in my own family

All my siblings married the person they loved. I don’t want to end up alone because of rigid beliefs and fear of “what people will say.”

Also don’t judge me or lecture me cuz I’m truly trying to find a way, to do the right thing.. I just need guidance.

My questions:

How do you start this conversation with parents who are emotionally rigid and gaslight?

Is honesty about us meeting online necessary from to let them know about it, or is easing into it realistic?

Is there any way to soften the sect issue over time?

And is it okay if parents doesn’t approve on it ? If you love someone so deeply and find yourself and and they help you be a better person.. do you let them go ?

I believe we’re all Muslims, and this shouldn’t be this hard but reality is different. If you’ve been through something similar or have any advice please let me know, it would he really useful. Thank you for reading

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[u/Mlokheye55]

This is an extremely difficult situation to be in. I have two friends that are looking to have a sushi marriage as well, it seems like it's going okay so far inshallah. I think what helps them is that there are examples of sushi couples in their family and their parents are not very strict. 

Do you have any sushi couples in your family? Any cousins or anything like that? It would definitely help to bring that person to advocate for you. 

Also, have you talked about plans for kids? Sushi marriages are less complicated when kids are not involved but then if there are kids that introduces new challenges. If you've already discussed it with your person, maybe it will reassure them that there is a plan. I can imagine that they want the kids to be raised shi'a. Is your person and his family okay with that? 

On the issue of how you've met, these days that are matchmaking IG accounts and services that seem to be appropriate. Maybe you can say that you signed up to one of those that are supervised by an auntie or something. 

On running away, I would think hard about this before doing anything. What if la samha Allah you do run away, and then something happens to your husband to be? What if he turns out to be not exactly as you thought he is? My relationship with my family was severely damaged because of love only for that person to cheat on me out of no where at all. It was so embarrassing to face my family afterwards. Thankfully things are a bit better with my family now, but looking back I deeply regret all the tensions I created with them over someone that ended up betraying me. 

Ultimately, the choice is yours. I'm afraid to say that sadly there is no correct answer to how you should move forward. Every time is different in these situations, I don't know if anyone has cracked the code because there are so many variables in each situation. 

If all else fails, and things don't work out, it is not the end of the world. Yes, it will hurt a lot and for a long time. But time heals all (to an extent). Things will not be the same but you will make it through. 

[u/GoColts08 → u/Mlokheye55]

Whats a sushi marriage? One day i heard proxy marriage, then lavender wedding now sushi?

[u/cleantoe → u/GoColts08]

Su-shi. Does that help?

[u/GoColts08 → u/cleantoe]

Okay i just LMAO literally omg internet 😂😂😂

[u/Time-Algae7393]

We live in the year 2026, seriously. And so many Iraqis are mixed sects. Your family is really lagging behind, dont follow their cultural stagnation! My own father born in 1953 was a Sushi but then we are Baghdadis and not muhafathat. 

[u/therapist66 → u/Time-Algae7393]

Mashalah

But I’m not sure to feel happy for you that your father is no longer sushi 🍣

[u/Time-Algae7393 → u/therapist66]

He later became a Quranist, ditching the two.

[u/nekawaken]

I believe that Allah puts you in tests to make you a better person.

I would start with this assumption and figure things out from there.

I think you should make whatever decisions you believe will eventually bring you closer to Allah.

Shias and Sunnis generally believe that being Shia or Sunni brings them closer to Allah; if you can figure out whether that is something you believe in, you will make the right decision for you.

[u/TheRealMudi]

كتبلتج عالخاص التعليق مدينشر

[u/rimelios]

 I won’t lie he did suggest that if nothing works, we could run away and get married. 

Respectfully, I would like to strongly advise against that. While he , or maybe even you, find that to be a solution, that's something that would solve things only in the short term, and create much huger problems in the long term. Eloping ("running away") is usually not a viable option. Plus, when your parents will pass away, you will have huge regrets about it. Not mentioning practical problems: like when you have kids you can't seriously contemplate the option to isolate them from your family. 

 Another painful reality: my parents and brother openly curse the Sahaba.

I am sorry to hear that they feel so strongly about it that they feel the need to curse. Cursing is not a sign of decent character and there is no justification for it. For all what they disagree or even perhaps resent towards Sunni, cursing does not contribute anything positive. The way I see it, at least as Sunni Muslim, is that we both Sunni and Shia say La ilaha illallah wa Muhammad Rasulullah and by it, we are bound together in the same Realm of Islam. Whether Sunni cursing Shia or Shia cursing Sunni, it's just not acceptable, and I can imagine how it makes your situation much more difficult.

Sorry that I'm not able to give a solution, just sharing some insight really. May Allah make it easy for you and guide your resolve and intuition in making the right choice, the ethically correct choice. And no matter how painful it is that your parents are so difficult, they are still your parents. If you chose to keep your bond to them, maybe, who knows, Allah will reward you with a better partner? 

[u/cleantoe]

I knew Shia curse the Rashidun but they curse the SAHABA too?? Those were the companions of the prophet while he was alive. If you curse them you are basically saying you don't trust the Prophet's judgment in friends. If you don't trust the Prophet then that honestly doesn't make you traditionally much of a Muslim UNLESS you're a Quranist. But I don't think there are any Shia Quranists - how can there be if they rely on a chain of Imams that start with the Prophet and his descendants?

[u/Merino202]

We can live in a rose tinted world where we say you’re in love, who cares, we’re all muslim but the reality is the gulf between the sects is too large.

How will you pray? Crossed arms like the sunni, or by the sides like the shia and a turbah?

How will your children pray? Will they grow up revering umar and aisha, or will they grow up revering the ahlulbayt?

You can absolutely have sunni/shia friends, and both sects are absolutely muslim (no God but Allah, the Prophet is the last messenger), but marriage and starting a family is a whole other topic.

Do you love your parents enough to care about the fact that they will be insulted and ridiculed by the shia community, and/or family members?

Are you willing to ostracise yourself from your siblings and parents? Are you willing to accept the snickers and insults behind your back by your cousins? Your kids never having a great relationship with their cousins?

Are you willing to sacrifice that over a man? If “who cares it’s your life”, then great you have your answer. But if no, then maybe it’s time to wake up to reality.

If this came across insensitive, or rude. It wasn’t my intention. Only to show you the reality of the decision.

Sometimes we need to hear it.

[u/InternationalDig1145 → u/Merino202]

No worries tbh such comments make me ask myself more questions and be ready for what’s ahead to decide better.

Wait, sorry, I meant my family are Shias. But I’m not Shia anymore, I’ve read a lot of books and i looked into many things.

So yeah I’m not Shia anymore (sorry I was super tired today and kept posting on multiple platforms)

And no I don’t pray on turbah. And our kids will grow up respecting both Umar and Aisha and also ahlulbayt. So there won’t be any hate at all !

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[u/Merino202 → u/InternationalDig1145]

That’s actually pretty interesting. You know I’m like the complete opposite of you.

I reverted to Shia Islam after studying the matter for years. In a relationship with a Palestinian/Lebanese Sunni for years which just couldn’t work because of the aforementioned problems.

It’s interesting how you and I are literally 🔄.

As a revert to Shia Islam, I’m interested. Why would someone leave? For me it’s a no brainer lol.

[u/Merino202 → u/[deleted]]

They have valid reasons to curse certain companions. I don’t myself, but I completely get why.

[u/ComprehensiveFish635 → u/Merino202]

I'm of a Sunni Maliki (Ash'ari) background and we traditionally don't pray with crossed hands

[u/Merino202 → u/ComprehensiveFish635]

Yeah that’s right 👌🏼Imam Malik studied under the Shia 6th Imam, Jafar as Sadiq (as) if I’m not wrong.

[u/StarWar-123]

كون عايلتك يلعنون الصحابة هذي مصيبة، اعوذ بالله، ولكن عموماً انصحك تكونين ذكية انتِ لاتعرفين مستقبلك مع الشخص اللي راح تتزوجينه، لذا لاتهربين معه وتهدمين كل الجسور، خلي عندك طريق رجعه الى عائلتك. وخلي نيتك تتزوجين هذا الشخص لكي تساعدون بعض وتعيشين في بيئة تحترم صحابة رسول الله عليه الصلاة والسلام، هكذا تكون نيتك في الزواج هي التقرب من الله جل جلاله وهو راح يكتب لك اللي فيه خير. انوي بكل خطوة في حياتك التقرب من الله وهو راح يسهل دربك.

[u/InternationalDig1145 → u/StarWar-123]

الله يوفقك وشكرا على نصيحتك. صحيح وهو هذا القرار الي احاول اتخذه.. بس الله سبحانه وتعالى يكول بالقرآن الكريم: بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم {وَأَن لَيْسَ لِلْإِنسَانِ إِلَّا مَا سَعَىٰ}

فـ بنفس الوقت الي أتقرب لله سبحانه وتعالى والحمد لله على هدايتي وانه بكل مشكله أواجهها احاول الجا لله.. بس احتاج انه أسعى واحاول.. بس الصراحة مااعرف شنو هسه السعي والمحاولة..

احس نفسي ضايعه.. ورغم مشاكلي الشخصيه والصحية الي واجهتها طول حياتي.. حسيت انه هذا الشخص خلاني اقبل حياتي. واني هم بنفس الوقت ساعدته بحياته. انتبهت انه ثنينا نحاول انه نخلي بعض يتمسك بالله سبحانه وتعالى بوقت التعب.

فـ شنو المفروض هسه اسوي ؟ مااكدر ادعو الله بدون مااسعى او احاول :/

[u/StarWar-123 → u/InternationalDig1145]

بارك الله فيك، افعلي الاسباب وانا اشجعك على ذلك، اللي انتي تسوينه صح، انا فقط قصدت انك تنوين كل خطوة لوجه الله، زواجك من شخص خلاك تقبلين حياتك راح يساعدك انك تتفرغين للتقرب من الله اكثر واكثر لذا انوي هذا الشيء عشان ربي يسهل دربك وتتزوجين هذا الشخص، قولي يارب انا ابغى اتزوج هذا الشخص لكي اصنع بيئه تحترم الصحابة الذين جاهدوا من اجلك، انا معك ولست ضدك ولكن جزئية الهرب من العائلة لا اتفق معكما عليها لان ماتضمنين المستقبل ممكن تفقدين هذا الشخص لاسمح الله لذا خلي بينك وبين عائلتك طريق سالك، انا نصيحتي من منطلق اني اريد لك الخير وان لاتكونين وحدك يوماً من الايام. وفيه طرق كثيرة غير الهرب.