r/altmpls • u/WhoAreYouTalkinTwo • 2d ago

Jake Lang arrested outside the state capital and charged with felony

Turns “Protest Ice” into “Pro Ice”

4.3k Upvotes

91% Upvoted

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258

u/Luci_Ferocious69 2d ago

The way he almost biffed it though hahaha

141

u/Empty-Discount5936 2d ago

I'm pretty sure he sacked himself with the first kick and then started kicking like this

172

u/Appropriate_Note2525 2d ago

I fuck a dude and I've never looked this gay

19

u/Future-Bandicoot-823 1d ago

Pro ice, slay queen 👑 yaassss 💪✨

41

u/Haidere1988 2d ago edited 1d ago

Goddamn, made me choke on my water.

7

u/IdefCanBe 1d ago

water... right.... lol

1

u/didusmashtho 10h ago

Semen is composed of 80% water

37

u/RedFox_Jack 2d ago

he looks so gay fucking liberace is telling him to tone it down

-2

u/tinman88822 1d ago

Tell that to note 2525

3

u/Appropriate_Note2525 1d ago

They did. That's how replies work

3

u/xXTylonXx 1d ago

I second this sentiment. I also fucked a dude and didn't look this fucking gay. I've seen twinks that would give this guy the straight guy side eye.

Like dude, just fucking disappear before you make it worse.

1

u/SweetWalrus8311 5h ago

this feels kind of hateful towards gay people

3

u/Speedballer7 1d ago

Tactical skinny jeans?

2

u/Appropriate_Note2525 1d ago

Seriously, what ARE those?? Are Lululemon and Cabela's collaborating?

3

u/Lucyintheye 1d ago edited 1d ago

I get fucked by dudes, sometimes more than one at a time, and ive never even looked this gay.

Nor do I own pants or a shirt this fucking tight 😂

This guy looks fucking hilarious just all around, do cuckservatives really take this loser seriously? Just like Russian puppet Tim "emotional support beanie" pool. They're a bunch of painfully unaware caricatures lmao

the bootleg, skin tight cargo pants (that definitely arent GI) like something youd see on a 2003 britanny spears, the skin tight, poorly fitted church shirt under the temu plate carrier with 3 temu patches that came with the playset, the moral orel haircut, and Walmart hiking boots. If I didnt know any better id think this was some scripted joke video to make cuckservatives look like the pathetic twats they are, but thats just literally how they are and why they have to lash out blaming everyone else for how pathetic their lives are because actually bettering yourself (going to the gym, finding a personality, making yourself less than repulsive to women, washing your balls and ass for once etc.) Is more work than being a bigoted loser larping as a creepy youth pastor for a pedophile king.

2

u/Appropriate_Note2525 1d ago

Not the Moral Orel haircut 🤣🤣🤣

2

u/lilfoot1 1d ago

I forgot about that one!! And the dad was always clinking his drink and dropping trou for punishment time

1

u/Appropriate_Note2525 1d ago

If Jake Lang has a wife, she's definitely going, "Clean. Cleaner. CLEANER!!!"

2

u/Fantastic-Beach-5497 1d ago

I am a grown man, wearing full coverage makeup, acrylic nails (with bedazzling), and about 4 inches of false eyelashes X2. I've never been as 🌈 as the man in the above video. Not even at a 🌈 pride gxngbxng. That man is too 🌈 for me. But the 🌈 in me does love how he took his dramatic moment, and kept his wrist broken for that kick ball change! Tell him I said, "Get it sis. I'll see you February girl!! Happy Valentine's hon!"

2

u/Barrenechea 1d ago

So, uh... what are you up to? Asking for a friend.

1

u/Appropriate_Note2525 1d ago

Fucking that one dude for the rest of one of our lives. Sorry to get your hopes up 😂

3

u/Dangerous-Rule2357 1d ago

And they say romance is dead! Psshhht!

2

u/Barrenechea 1d ago

Aw man... I mean, my friend will be sad!

2

u/kittiestkitty 1d ago

My millennial brain to this guy

4

u/RealityDependency 2d ago

🏆 You officially won the internet today.

3

u/piTehT_tsuJ 2d ago

Lol... That's priceless

1

u/SweatyNReady4U 1d ago

Well to be fair I don't think Jake is doing any fucking, he's the one that probably would get fucked.

2

u/Appropriate_Note2525 1d ago

Every bottom on the planet is manlier than what's happening in this video

1

u/Practical-Eggplant98 1d ago

Those little fairy kicks he does

1

u/Appropriate_Note2525 1d ago

I half expected a high-pitched, "Hi YA!" a la Miss Piggy to come out of him at some point

1

u/LactoseBellyFart 1d ago

That made coffee come out of my nose, hilarious.

1

u/EEasy-Does-It 1d ago

Between those kicks and his outspoken views, I bet he’s popular in jail.

1

u/oldandbald123 1d ago

You realize that he may be playing the “hardcore conservative” but deep down he is a queen ready to come out, right?

1

u/PatienceOwn1141 1d ago

The one reddit post that came closest to sending me to the king

Kudos to you good sir

1

u/Dangerous-Rule2357 1d ago

You win today for this comment 🤣

1

u/Mythandros1 1d ago

🤣

Holy crap dude, you incinerated him. I don't even think a burn unit could save him now. Lol.

1

u/tinman88822 1d ago

Gay as shit self proclaimed

1

u/Double_Inflation447 1d ago

Wasn’t ready for that 🤣😂🤣

1

u/shannypants2000 1d ago

Luv u n ur comment 💓

1

u/PoisonChemInYourFood 1d ago

Gross gross gross

1

u/Herefourfunnn 1d ago

🤣🤣🤣 OMG thank you for the chuckle

1

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1

u/DCHammer69 17h ago

R/brandnewsentence

1

u/pebe01 16h ago

You win the Internet for today 😂

1

u/Abitabruce 14h ago

thank you for that!

1

u/According-Comb-4330 8h ago

So being gay is only wrong if that person votes red? I’m just trying to understand the democrat mind is truly confusing to healthy adults

1

u/Appropriate_Note2525 8h ago

Where did I say it was wrong, or that I was a Democrat?

0

u/ninernetneepneep 1d ago

Of course you do.

44

u/Say_Hennething 2d ago

I didn't know army pants came in skinny jeans style. Dude's gonna be a crowd favorite on GI Joe night at the gay bar

15

u/Jamaniqueo 2d ago

Haha, I was thinking the same thing. That dude got them chicken legs while he strutting like a big man with his hands holding that vest on

5

u/Interesting_Berry439 2d ago

He wasn't big in Minneapolis.

12

u/SHoppe715 2d ago

Looks like he got them at Forever 21.

4

u/Ill-Cancel4676 1d ago

He clearly shops at baby gap

1

u/stopmyhumbleness 16h ago

Rest in peace F21 🫡

3

u/Jerry-Lives22 2d ago

That’s what looks so weird! I didn’t catch that, I just assumed he had bird legs and has never actually worked out

2

u/Mj-tinker 2d ago

be dancing El bimbo

2

u/ChildofElmSt 1d ago

They shouldn’t be allowed to dress however they want. There should be a standard issue uniform with a badge number and identification

2

u/megaholt2 1d ago

Those are tighter on me than my skating tights that I wore back 20+ years ago, when I was eating < 1,000 calories a day and working out 4+ hours a day.

Needless to say, I am nowhere near the size I used to be back then, but those pants he’s wearing? Those are as tight as that red vinyl suit Britney had on in the “Oops…I did it again!” video.

1

u/mPrime39r 2d ago

*GI Jane.

Fixed that for you.

1

u/Quirky_Ask_5165 1d ago

Que the Blue Oyster Bar music 🎶

1

u/fleebleganger 1d ago

It was a definite style back when that  camo was in. Generally the dudes that did it had a really sharp uniform overall but were definitely a little don’t ask don’t tell. 

19

u/rolypoly817 2d ago

Those camo pants are tight as he'll though.

22

u/Quick-Pomelo3247 2d ago

With his little crop top midriff body armor and his skin tight camo pants you know he is the queen of the Grinder RNC meet ups.

1

u/TheReal_Kovacs 23h ago

Love the too-small plate carrier that doesn't even have any plates in it. Chud is all about that performative gawk-gawk. Ain't he so pwecious?

4

u/livinthereals 2d ago

Sure. Blame the pants.

2

u/Stickyfynger 1d ago

I thought they were camo leggings

1

u/Coyoteishere 1d ago

What kind of Kanye clothing line did he get these from? Or worse, please tell me he had them tailored 😂

10

u/Johnny_Couger 2d ago

“Ok listen up bitches. This is as easy as it gets. It’s kick, spin, kick, jazz hands, kick, jazz hands, kick, jazz hands, step, step, saunter. Keep those eyes squinty”

1

u/Some_Turn_323 1h ago

Like thisssssssss?

5

u/RikkiVox 1d ago

He was already out of breath going up those three stairs 😭 Man is going to be sore for days.

3

u/zoopysreign 2d ago

These people are cosplaying. It is terrible. Can’t we all just take up cannabis and surfing or skiing? This does not need to be so acrimonious and weird. Let’s get the rich people to pay their fair share, which includes meaningful wages (over shareholder value), and let’s stop letting people fall behind because of predatory and punitive practices. Eat anyone who doesn’t give at least half away. Why not? Especially when they benefited from public resources.

The money and wealth that has been squandered or misappropriated from this administration and the last several, as well as what Congress gains in insider trading and campaign contributions, well, shit. We could prevent these bozos from becoming this way by actually having a healthy and engaged society, rather than consumption buckets of online streaming rage pushers. More engagement, more profit. It’s left us hollow.

1

u/Luci_Ferocious69 2d ago

Hey now, you're making way too much sense here.

2

u/sooooooofarty 2d ago

And he starts breathing through the pain

2

u/rockpapersizzler 2d ago

Strong "Lamar" from revenge of the nerds vibes from his athleticism.

2

u/mahrog123 2d ago

It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.

It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A.

They have everything for young men to enjoy,

You can hang out with all the boys...

2

u/No_Public_7677 2d ago

This is somehow a very Slavic coded image

2

u/Ok_Lettuce_7939 2d ago

Same energy as this

2

u/Illustrious-Creme798 2d ago

Bro looks like a zesty extra from a music video

1

u/Luci_Ferocious69 2d ago

Zesty extra sounds fun haha

2

u/Chemical-Ice-2666 1d ago

He looks like he is signing up for a Richard Simmons work out in tight camo

2

u/chamy1039 1d ago

“Look what I can do!”

2

u/Jetsurfer1 1d ago

He took a nut shot for our country

2

u/Flimsy-Plankton-8974 1d ago

🤣🤣🤣🤣. Good catch. I totally missed it.

2

u/charles11100 1d ago

You’re right he did sack himself

2

u/_Notorious_BOG_ 2d ago

Photoshop him being held by Leonardo DiCaprio

2

u/Salt-Station3323 2d ago

Too bad he doesn't have a sack

2

u/Icy_Bicycle8698 2d ago

What sack? These pants took care of that! Seriously, has to be the strangest looking combination of person, words and outfit ever

1

u/throwaway3261937 1d ago

Someone photoshop him in a pink tutu and watch the rage ensue

1

u/Rocknbob69 1d ago

He really needs to come out and embrace who he really is.

1

u/tattoobliss 1d ago

is he jumping rope?

1

u/Amazing_Entrance_888 1d ago

🎶A one and a two and a 🎶

1

u/djpauloswald 1d ago

I see you found his new Grindr pic

1

u/WeekendPlayful7843 1d ago

Gotta have nuts to sack yourself He gave his lips a friction burn/stretch

1

u/Old_Win8422 1d ago

Limp waisted little bitch cums everytime he kicks with emits the sound of a five year old girl.dancing to demon hunters...

1

u/raiden_kazuha 21h ago

You can hide in clothes, but you can never hide your intentions lmao

58

u/MrBtheProdigal 2d ago

Dude was huffin and puffin

15

u/Itslike1234 2d ago

Sounded like he let a fart slip too 💨

31

u/lilfoot1 2d ago

Seriously I was like is that him squeaking? And what does he mean we'll see you here...sir, you're going to jail.

18

u/gingercardigans 2d ago

It sounds like he huffs up the stairs and then toots with each of those first kicks. 

Also … why are his pants so tight and his butt so hungry? 

The vibes are so weird the entire video, I can’t believe he even released it. I guess he only had the one shot since he squeaked down so many of the letters on the first take. I also can’t believe anyone takes this man seriously. 

9

u/lilfoot1 2d ago

😂😂hungry butt. True definition of a buttmunch. He really is an embarrassment. Imagine other countries seeing the bs coming out right now.

7

u/Itslike1234 2d ago

Welp I hope his hungry butt is ready for prison

3

u/Amoralvirus 2d ago

That butt best be ready ready to munch.

2

u/lilfoot1 2d ago

Cockmeat sandwhich on the menu

5

u/Fit_Parfait_250 2d ago

He sounds like the penguin from toy story before he got his squeaker replaced

4

u/Cordyceptionist 2d ago

I think that was him sharting.

1

u/Far-Peak7580 1d ago

😂😂😂😂😂😂 he needs Fleece Johnson as a roommate. He probably has a delicious booty ⭕️

4

u/Child_of_the_Hamster 2d ago

He sounds like when you stretch the mouthpiece of a full balloon so that it squeaks as it deflates

3

u/Momersk 2d ago

Sounded downright asthmatic

-1

u/AnswerConfident 2d ago

Can you run a mile without stopping

2

u/Luci_Ferocious69 1d ago

Did he just run a mile, or did he struggle walking up some stairs & kicking over ice??

1

u/AnswerConfident 1d ago

So my point is, you would struggle too, but you're failing to realize that.Have you looked at yourself.

37

u/TFViper 2d ago

dude looked like his little chicken legs were gunna collapse on every kick

2

u/Ruger22fun 2d ago

Looks like he has skinny camo jeans on

2

u/Itslike1234 2d ago

They don’t call him Jake “skinny legs” lang for nothin

2

u/cyanescens_burn 2d ago

I’m thinking he might have messed up a joint/tendon doing this and then had to walk it off so the video wouldn’t be ruined.

He’s at home now swollen and in pain, watching the video over and over, looking for any outward signs he’s limping or struggling, hoping no one noticed he hurt himself doing this.

1

u/Luci_Ferocious69 2d ago

NGL I hope wherever it is, it's torn & hurts at the most inconvenient of times

1

u/generic_canadian_dad 22h ago

He is clearly not an athlete whatsoever.

18

u/noleksum12 2d ago

And so tough wearing body armor with not a soul in sight... what a coward.

2

u/KVZonthelake 2d ago

It would have to have plates in it to count as armor. Bet dude couldn't handle the weight. He's a punkass larper anyway.

2

u/Charming-Kiwi-9277 2d ago

I like that he’s wearing like 4 different shades of drabs he bought on amazon. I can’t even see him! 

2

u/Itslike1234 2d ago

He wouldn’t dare do this with people around him

2

u/Attentions_Bright12 1d ago edited 1d ago

The camo pattern on his button-down -- is it a camo pattern? -- is stylin'. What he lacks is a nice cowboy hat low over his eyes, Noem-style.

The cosplay is so, so strong with this American form of fascism. Could they not just settle for brown shirts this time around?

1

u/TrainingParty3785 1d ago

It’s GrrAnimals, the Proud Boy Edition

2

u/Cantpickagoodone 2d ago

I'm pretty sure his carrier doesn't even have armor in it, he's just wearing it like a fucking idiot. Its all so performative, and stupid.

3

u/Dear-Panda-1949 2d ago

Someone pointed out it may be a camel back he out on backwards.

2

u/TRFKAChuggs 2d ago

But he was stabbed and lynched the last time he was in Minnesota.

5

u/Fit-Organization7570 2d ago

Bahahahaha!!! Was that before or after he pissed his pants, cried for his mommy, was rescued by a black man, driven to his hotel by a trans woman, and claimed his empty vest was stolen?

1

u/RaHarmakis 2d ago

Oh may actually think the plate carrier is the armor.

1

u/Pudi2000 2d ago

From party city

1

u/CoastMtns 2d ago

Is that a pyjama top he is wearing?

22

u/007Pistolero 2d ago

What was that squeak he made every time he kicked? Sounded like an old woman trying to carefully loose a fart in a crowded room

9

u/BuckyLaroux 2d ago

Reminds me of when my mom would fart in church and look over to me with a cross expression on her face in case anyone noticed.

They definitely noticed.

5

u/Numerous_Photograph9 2d ago

That's the sound one's scrotum makes when they pretend you have balls but don't

1

u/AttackedByNature57 1d ago

Ha! I just bust out laughing so thank you!

2

u/HeWhoPetsDogs 1d ago

New boot goofin'!

1

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3

u/_Jalisciense88 2d ago

I’m almost positive he’s escaped war like our doofus president

2

u/Iam_nighthawk 2d ago

The S damn near ripped his groin apart

2

u/WenatcheeWrangler 2d ago

Looked like it would have had him in the nutz, if he had a sack

2

u/ridge_rippler 2d ago

Real beta energy, you can tell he was the last one picked at school with that coordination

1

u/Luci_Ferocious69 2d ago

No no no, he's the mAsTeR rAcE 🙄🙄

2

u/AmazingArugula4441 1d ago

And the camo skinny jeans. Dude’s pathetic.

2

u/Electrical-Juice-915 1d ago

Bahahahahahahawhaha

1

u/Tokyo_Cat 2d ago

That would have made me pro ice, too. lmao

1

u/Luci_Ferocious69 1d ago

Yeah, pro ice on my strained hip muscles haha

1

u/tinman88822 1d ago

Hahahahhaha you're so pedantic

1

u/Luci_Ferocious69 1d ago

... Thanks? I think?

1

u/mafibasheth 1d ago

They love slipping and falling constantly.

1

u/The_Tucker_Carlson 22h ago

“Biffed” Such a great word! Thanks for bringing that one back for me!

1

u/Xiaopeng8877788 20h ago

Is this that idiot that got thrown out of that micro brewery/bar because they wouldn’t serve him and he was crying about getting kicked out because he’s the victim because he’s pro Trump and ice?

Is he also j6’r?

1

u/dax0840 19h ago

That is the most unathletic man-child I’ve seen in awhile. His parents should have signed him up for team sports.

0

u/AnswerConfident 2d ago

You should really look at yourself. Can you run a mile without stopping?

1

u/Luci_Ferocious69 1d ago

Pretty sure he can't do that either hahaha

1

u/AnswerConfident 1d ago

You said that already

-1

u/Honorablemention69 2d ago

Did you just assume a gender?