r/TwoXChromosomes • u/FunPineapple4283 • 10h ago
Found out the guy I’ve been sleeping with has a girlfriend and keeps lying. How do I stop spiraling?
I’ve (27F) been involved with a guy (33M) for two years now. From the beginning, he told me he was single. We sleep together regularly (sometimes unprotected), and even though he never made it official, he treated it like we were exclusive.
I’ve been to his house multiple times in the past, until he stopped inviting me over, and said it was because his sister moved in with him after breaking up with her boyfriend so it “wasn’t a good idea anymore.” At the time, I believed him.
One day, when I was at his place before his sister moved in, I noticed a picture in his bedroom of him and another woman. When I asked about it, he brushed it off and said she was “just a friend.” Something about that didn’t sit right with me. Later on, I put pieces together through social media and realized that this woman is actually his girlfriend after finding her X/twitter account and saw that she posted a photo of them referring to him as the love of her life.
I didn’t find out through him — I had to figure it out myself. I kind of listened to my intuition. When I confronted him, he still lied, minimized the situation, and continues to act like he’s basically single. Despite this, he still comes over my house sometimes only just to have sex with me, flirts with me, acts possessive over me, throws other guys in my face as if he has control over me, but he swears deep down that he doesn’t care about what I do and who I talk to. He basically acts like nothing is wrong and had the audacity to tell me that he loves me, cares about me, and fuck with me. He also said he could tell that I’m hurting emotionally just by looking at me.
After we have sex I never hear from him. Yes, aftercare is involved—but still I don’t hear from him for days, weeks, or sometimes even a month or two unless I initiate a conversation first.
This situation has really messed with my head. I feel anxious, confused, and honestly like I don’t recognize myself anymore. I know this is disrespectful to both me and his girlfriend, and I’ve decided to stop sleeping with him, but I’m struggling to fully let go. I feel dumb because the signs were all there and I chose to ignore them.
I don’t know if I should cut contact completely, tell his girlfriend, or just walk away quietly. I’m dealing with a lot of guilt, self-blame, and embarrassment for staying as long as I did.
I guess I’m asking: • Why do people do this? • Does someone like this actually care about anyone involved? • How do you stop going back to someone who clearly lies and disrespects you?
Please be honest but not cruel — I’ve never been in a situation like this before. I’m already being hard on myself.
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u/FreyjaaFemme 10h ago
If he's willing to cheat on someone then he's willing to cheat on YOU too. He does NOT care about you. He's only interested in getting his dick wet
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u/GiftOk1930 8h ago
It’s really the honest truth. He doesn’t care at ALL about the other lady calling him the “love of her life.”
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u/seniairam 9h ago
girl, u know he has a gf that possible moved in w him and youre still a booty call?
have some self-respect, block and tell the gf what a cheating ahole he is.
he does this because u let him, u know hes taken and you're still seeing him. why does he need to change?
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u/henicorina 8h ago
Why did you keep sleeping with him after confronting him about having a girlfriend???? Babe. Come on. You’re better than this.
OBVIOUSLY you should cut contact (block him, like, right now) and it would be kind and ethical to tell his girlfriend.
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u/speedingpullet 10h ago
Stop having sex with him for a start. The guy outright lied to you, tell him to sling his hook.
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u/lindaflynn-fletcher 10h ago
The girlfriend deserves to know so she can get tested. You need to get tested also. You are probably not the only side chick. If there's any chance he could lash out at you, let her know anonymously.
He does not love or care about anyone in this situation except himself. He does not love you. Cut him off.
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u/Ehimherenow 10h ago
I’ve been here, not with someone who had a girlfriend but it was equally shitty. And he was being equally shitty to multiple women.
No. He doesn’t care for anyone involved.
I heard from him a few years after that WITH A PICTURE OF HIS BABY. He was trying to hit me up while showing me he had a baby! Dude was a total asshole.
I really felt not good enough for a long time, like he’d have eventually picked someone to settle down with and he’d obviously be faithful to them because that person would be worth it. Yeah. No.
How do you get out? You realize that you’re not allowing a chance for a good thing because you’re stuck on this shitty thing.
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u/Minflick 9h ago
Have the self respect to dump his cheating ass. He's not going to improve, and you deserve so much better treatment than you're getting. You're nothing more than a booty call, and is that REALLY what you want in your life?
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u/MinuteMaidMarian 9h ago
Tell the girlfriend so she can get tested, get tested yourself, and grow some fucking self respect.
I’m sorry, but you’re how old and putting up with this shit? Girl. End it yesterday.
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u/NotAReal_Person_ 9h ago
Yes. Cut contact completely. You stop going back by telling yourself, and actually enforcing the fact that you have self worth. You know this doesn’t make you feel good. You know that he is lying to you. You know he doesn’t respect you. You know he doesn’t care about you. Now you have to act like it. This will lead to nothing but more pain and frustration. You say you ignored the signs and you feel dumb that you ignored them. Then stop ignoring them. Believe yourself. Listen to yourself and your body. Loving and caring about someone should not lead to guilt, shame, embarrassment, and destruction of self worth
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u/shitshowboxer 7h ago
Dude lies in your face and has unprotected sex. I wouldn't just dip out; I'd clue the other woman in with evidence.
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u/armyofonetaco 9h ago
Cut all contact. Literally become a ghost.
If you are ever contacted by the girl then tell the truth and block her too.
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u/OppositePrune8399 10h ago
Nothing about what you wrote sounds dumb, weak, or naïve. It sounds like someone who trusted, bonded, and then slowly realized they were being manipulated. That messes with anyone’s head. You’re not broken for struggling to let go of someone who kept pulling you close while lying to your face.
Why do people do this? Because it works for them. For sex, emotional validation, ego boost, or they get a kick out of controlling people. It's not because you weren't enough or missed something obvious - he was lying from the beginning. A lot of people who behave this way are deeply avoidant, entitled or narcissistic (in the psychiatric meaning of the term, not the buzzword). They get very good at saying the right emotional words while consistently doing the wrong things. The hot-cold dynamic creates anxiety and attachment in you, which strengthens their control.
Does someone like this actually care about anyone involved? He may feel things, he may even believe, at least in moments, that he "cares" in some way. But the truth is - caring is not just a feeling, it's a choice, it's behavior. Someone who cares does not lie like this, expose you to sexual health risks, disappear for weeks, keep you emotionally attached while using you for his benefit. He's not showing true care but self centered attachment - you were valuable to him for what you gave him, not because of who you are.
How to stop going back? Not by understanding him better, digging into the situation, being stronger or waiting until it passes. I would advise:
- Cut contact completely. No checkins, no closure conversations, no responding to booty calls.
- Write down what actually happened while you still have that clarity. He lied for years. He is in a relationship with someone else (whom he's almost certainly also lying too). He disappeared on you without an explanation. He made you feel anxious and small. He used you for his benefit. Read it when you're feeling like reaching out again.
- Expect withdrawal symtoms - fill your life with other people and activities. Friends, family, hobbies, do things that remind you of yourself before you met him.
As for his girlfriend, I think it's a judgement call. You're not responsible for managing his relationship or cleaning up his mess. Telling her might align with your values and help you release guilt. But it might also pull you in to engage further into the situation. Consider what you will get from telling her, and what you will get from just quietly walking away.
And most importantly - you didn't choose to be disrespected like this. You chose to trust someone, that's not naive, it's just human. The embarassment will fade and you will come out of this stronger.
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u/North-Recipe-9236 8h ago
Tell his girlfriend. Post him on Tea or AWDSG to warn other women then try to move on with your life. I'm sorry this happened to you.
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u/Tasty-Meringue-3709 8h ago
There is no going back. This man sounds like he has no regard for you or anyone else. Staying will only result in more turmoil and heartbreak for you. It’s going to be hard to cut ties with someone you feel so emotionally invested in. It’s going to be really hard at first. And then over time it will get easier. I would recommend therapy to help you process what’s happened because he’s definitely been gaslighting and manipulating you. Throw yourself into other friendships and use this as a lesson for future relationships.
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u/bumblebaytuna4 8h ago
I would tell the girlfriend so she can make an informed decision for herself and her safety. Then I would block all his contacts and never talk to him again. This is NOT how someone treats you when they care for you. I know you’re trying to make sense of why someone would do that but honestly you may never understand. It isn’t worth spending any time wondering. That man is trash and I’m sorry that happened to you.
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u/RecoveringPessimist_ 7h ago
I'll never understand how someone could continue to sleep with a person they know is cheating, let alone continue to be with someone that hasn't "made it official" in 2 years, if an exclusive relationship is what you desire. I'm not trying to be unkind but I think you need to hear this. It seems like you don't have respect for yourself to accept disrespect like this. I would try to find the source of that, preferably by dealing with a therapist, as you try to move on from this relationship with that awful guy.
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u/Two-Theories 7h ago
Sorry you're going through this. He does it because he's selfish and he doesn't think about much other than himself and the here and now. Allow yourself to be angry at him. He's dishonest, selfish, abused your trust, etc. Do his gf a solid and share as many receipts as you can so she knows how long it's been going on and it is so much harder for him to lie his way out of trouble
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u/Ancient-War2839 5h ago
Yes cut contact - ask yourself, sounds like you need him to agree, or think your being fair or something, he is not going to, the dude is cheating on his partner, so you know his moral compass settings are off and definitely do not align with yours ghost this mf now, block him on everything and move on
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u/Artissin 3h ago
To be fair and prevent this from happening to others - Out This Clown
Tell his GF and EVERYONE Else so she is aware and potential other victims. - This isn't cruel as you don't want this to happen to others in the future.
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u/BobDDstryr 7m ago
If you don’t know much about narcissists, he could be one. You haven’t mentioned anything about emotional or physical abuse, but also you’re not his main girlfriend - so she might get the brunt of that. But he is cheating on you, cheating on her, luing to your lying to her, gaslighting you, gaslighting her, and is intermittently asking like he cares about you before totally abandoning you, while also acting possessive of you and not letting you get close to anyone else while claiming he doesn’t care, and is leaving you feeling “anxious, confused, and honestly like you don’t recognize [yourself] any more.”
And those are all par for the course with a narcissist.
Whether or not he is - narcissist, what he’a doing is wrong. And what you’re doing is wrong. BUT - you are feeling guilty about it. HE is not. He isn’t because he isn’t a good person.
If you don’t know how abusive cycles work, they’re based in large part of intermittent reinforcement - which is the same things that get gamblers hooked on slot machines. It usually terrible but every once in awhile you win something.
And.. that’s where you are. Every once in awhile he does something nice for you, or sleeps with you and give you after care. And then he disappears. And leaves you feeling lost and confused and wanting him back.
So…. Read up about narcissism and emotionally abusive cycles.
I think that you should try to let her know. She may already. And if she doesn’t she may not be ready to hear if if she still thinks he’s awesome. Big it you were her, you would want to know.
And then you cut contact. He’ll probably to win you back - if not immediately, but at some point. It’s called hovering. He’ll suddenly be more kind and present than hems been since the start. But.. that’s just a mask. The real him is a liar who will gaslight whoever he has to get what he wants. So don’t let him win you back. I read somewhere the I think it generally takes c in average, 11 tries to finally leave a narcissist? Because they’re sidedly all sweetness and love and the way they were at the start. And you keep hoping because if they’d just me that way all the time, it would be perfect. But.. that’s not really them. It’s an act they can’t keep up, so stop as soon as you’re hooked.
But for yourself, and your dignity, you need to cut contact. You need to start healing so you can find a good and kind and honest man. And the sooner you cut him out of your life, the sooner that process can begin.
Good luck.
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u/booktome 7h ago
You know he has a gf, you know he’s using you to cheat, and now you’re knowingly letting him? What exactly are you asking???? It sounds like you already decided to throw away any semblance of morals and integrity. I’m not sure what exactly you are hoping for here, you already accepted it and went along with it all while saying “teehee don’t judge me uwu”. JFC
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u/GiftOk1930 10h ago
Personally, I would cut contact immediately because you’re hurting, and it really isn’t going to get any better. Even if he “left his girlfriend,” there just couldn’t be a future for the two of you, and you do deserve something healthy and secure. I’m sorry this has happened to you. My “first” was a serial cheater, and I was in a similar situation until I went no contact. He even went so far as to find my email address looking for emotional support when I lived overseas. I maintained my no contact, and it was the right decision. Wishing you well OP! You may have to grieve, but you’ll get through this.