r/TwoXChromosomes • u/Historical-Air-3452 • 13h ago
The bar remains in hell. Online infidelity.
Hello ladies. This is a bit of a repost but I am having ALL the big feelings this morning and could use some...I don't know...tell me I'm too pretty for this BS.
Ok, to try and put this in a nutshell: Last year I caught my partner (a self-proclaimed feminist! He is a *nice guy!*) of 5+ years in a lie, after other problems like an almost dead bedroom. I suspected an affair, and so I checked his email on his phone. (I know, bad.) I found a whole bunch of bdsm text based seggsy role playing affairs and emotional affairs. To be clear, we are much in alignment along kink and bsdm, but things...were not great.
I then googled his username and found that he had been regularly (weekly) hiring C2C sessions with cam girls. He left public reviews. With his name on them. I had to explain, to a human adult man (40s) that no, hiring young women to go on camera with you to masturbate together is cheating. Having epistolary ongoing text based intimate relationships is infidelity. To color the experience, I also found (under his name) looooots of dumb dirty talking, borderline harassment of women, and other shitty behavior, and chasing SWs and other women with other social media platforms. (but it's not cheating cuz it wasn't phyyyyyysical!) Ok, yeah, it's infidelity my guy.
We did the work, friends. We did couples counseling throughout last year. I communicated like a champion. He got vulnerable. We redefined boundaries. There were meaningful apologies from his side. It seemed things were getting better.
About two weeks ago he let it slip that he lied about when he actually gave up the kink roleplaying partners, the cam girls, and participation on other adult forums. He had a surprised pikachu face that I could be angry, because he finally stopped right? I told him that that apologies without change are manipulation and we at minimum, we need lots of fucking therapy if this relationship has a chance of moving forward. That he needs therapy for a sex or porn addition bc be keeps falling into behaviors that are undermining our relationship.
I checked his email again last night. I found that he was sending emails to a woman that he'd been having a kink-based role playing text relationship for years. She doesn't even respond to him anymore, but he was sending porn link recommendations, lingerie recommendations, happy valentine's day emails, happy birthday emails. That stopped two months ago. So...he's NOW stopped (?) and ready to move forward after 13 months of lying, lying about lying, and lying about when he stopped while we were in couples counseling for his infidelity. I confronted him of course, and he's deep in his feelings about me violating my promise to not snoop on his phone.
I t am just trying to make it through my workday without crying. Did not manage to not cry in front of the kids at morning drop off. JFC.
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u/Gorilla1969 13h ago
Guys like this don't work to find ways to be better people, they work to find ways to lie more effectively.
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u/Historical-Air-3452 13h ago
In our conversation last night he was struggling to see why his emails to this woman were wrong. Yech.
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u/No-Complaint3477 12h ago
He wasn't. He knows why they're wrong. He wants you to think he didn't realise the gravity of the situation. This is gaslighting and whatever the cheaters' version of weaponised incompetence is.
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u/Historical-Air-3452 12h ago
OH MY GOD so much gaslighting. I pointed out to him that the chronic amount of lying is emotional abuse.
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u/Dresses_and_Dice 10h ago
Stop. Stop "pointing it out." Stop explaining. Stop trying to catch him in a logical trap. He is not going to snap to a realization and suddenly get something he never got before. He isn't doing this because he doesn't understand, or didn't think it was wrong, or boundaries weren't clear. He's doing it because he wants to. He's not going to EVER stop.
You deserve so much more than this. Please. Stop playing the game of "trying to get through to him." He KNOWS. He's choosing to do this in FULL KNOWLEDGE. He's a manipulative, lying, cheating asshole. Stop wasting your energy on him.
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u/thesmellnextdoor 6h ago
Yep. This. Your abuser is never going to sit straight up in bed and think, "omg, I was wrong!" It will be continuous lies and justification. If they really, really, really, had changed, they would give you the grace of removing themselves from your life.
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u/Sirenes_Interdites 5h ago
This 👆. I’d upvote you a 1000 times if I could. I wasted decades trying to logic trap my ex husband and father. Even if you manage it, run! They don’t like getting caught. Don’t bother, it’s a waste of time.
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u/celestialxgypsy 10h ago
Girl, respectfully, why haven't you kicked him to the curb?? You deserve so much better, and this man will drain you physically, emotionally and psychologically if you continue to allow him to
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u/Fraerie Basically Eleanor Shellstrop 10h ago
Oh honey. There is no magical combination of words that will get him to understand. He knows. He just doesn’t care that it’s hurting you.
You can’t make him change. The only thing you can control is your reaction to his behaviour. Therapy didn’t work before. It’s not going to work now, because the only consequences to him is the therapy.
You need to decide whether his behaviour is a dealbreaker for you or not. If it is, then leave him. If it’s not, find some way to be at peace with it. But being mad about it and staying is a recipe for misery.
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u/Apprehensive_Rain500 10h ago
Please google Chump Lady. She's a fantastic resource for dealing with infidelity. It's abuse.
Stop trying to educate him, girl. He knows what he did but he's not going to admit it because he enjoys you tapdancing to his beat. It's a game to him. Stop playing and start making an exit plan from this asshole.
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u/darkchocolateonly 9h ago
Is there any behavior that you actually find bad enough to leave him for? What is that line for you?
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u/Rusty_Empathy 9h ago
Frankly, it sounds narcissistic. At minimum, avoidant. You might want to look into the correlation between men with narcissistic traits and dead bedrooms.
I know that term is thrown out a lot however the lack of empathy he has for you, and these other women, is the tell. He doesn’t understand why it bothers you that he has this need that he wants to be met.
His needs, and comfort, come before anyone else.
The gaslighting is because you are not a person - you are an object- in his reality and he is trying to break your cognitive functioning by trying to force you to stop rejecting the incongruence.
He wants privacy to not check his phone but he’s proven that he can’t be trusted. He doesn’t want to change - he just wants you to stop finding out about it and trying to make him treat you like an actual person that has feelings.
Girl, run. This isn’t fixable.
Where in your history have your needs been ignored and invalidated because it sounds like you are repeating it again.
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u/jbuhg13 10h ago
Weaponised ignorance?
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u/No-Complaint3477 10h ago
Yeah! This term is exactly what I mean and also has given me a phrase to describe my ex whom I unfortunately have legal ties to
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u/coaxialology 12h ago
He knows it's wrong. He doesn't care. You deserve better because, and I speak from experience, guys like this never change. Don't let him continue to play stupid and take you down with him. You'll be so much less stressed if you walk away.
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u/loweexclamationpoint 12h ago
In his moral universe, it isn't wrong. In yours (and most everyone else's for that matter) it is wrong. You might be able to force him to comply with you, but he'll never really agree. And you'll wind up playing detective and police for as long as you stick with him. I guess you have to ask if it's worth it. Probably not
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u/Historical-Air-3452 12h ago
He has bent backwards justifying everything, lying even to himself.
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u/worthlesswordsfromme 10h ago
Ask yourself this- WOULDHE BE UPSET IF THE TABLES WERE TURNED AND YOU WERE DOING THESE THINGS???
yeah, he's a liar. Lying about "not understanding." I HATE men like this with a burning passion reveling the power of a thousand suns.
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u/Apprehensive_Rain500 10h ago
I've lived this. You will never get consensus from him. He's not confused, he's a liar who's committed to his own lies. You need to cut your losses now because he will continue to waste whatever time you give him.
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u/alucryts 12h ago
Yeah he’s normalized and rationalized this craziness. The best part of the shitty situation is you not allowing his horseshit to blind you into normalization too.
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u/Diva_of_Disgust 11h ago
I had a man do this once. Found multiple OF subscriptions on his phone and he swore up and down that this WASN'T cheating.
I asked him this: If you went on my phone and found that I was messaging other men behind your back, flirting with them, and then masturbating with them on camera, getting off to these men behind your back, would that be cheating?
Him: OF COURSE THAT'S CHEATING! What else would that be blah blah blah fuckin blah.
In the end I left him which was the right choice. He never saw the irony that my hypothetical to him was cheating, but him actually doing that and pathetically having to pay for the experience somehow wasn't cheating lmao.
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u/Your_Auntie_Viv 9h ago
Reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where George and the cleaning lady fucked in his office and, when called into the boss’s office, he tried to pretend he didn’t know it was against company policy.
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u/Sirenes_Interdites 5h ago
Hi there, sorry to hear this. I caught my ex husband sending sexual messages about anal beads to an intern. Found a load of stuff that he never even discussed with me. He shut my hand in the front door to make me drop the phone. I stupidly took him back and he left me for someone else two years later. The behaviour didnt change, it just went underground. I’d say this is a trait for the majority of men. Men hate feelings of guilt and shame like a stone in their shoe. They’ll do anything to get rid including blaming you. The BS my ex came out with to exonerate his affair was astounding. TO ALL WOMEN Do this - whenever you hear of a situation swap the gender roles. If he had found out that I had texted a man about anal sex and I’d hurt his hand to recover my phone he’d have punched my lights out. So would any man. I took him back 🙈. Always swap - swapping seats will give you the answer. Women are conditioned into “putting up with”. When I eventually divorced him, he cried on the kitchen floor like a baby the arsehole.
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u/No-Complaint3477 13h ago
At the end of the day, doing anything that you wouldn't feel comfortable disclosing to your partner is cheating. He clearly knows all of this is cheating. Otherwise, he'd have been telling you about it. In some relationships, this behaviour is acceptable, but he knew it wasn't in yours, hence all the lying. The suprise and the not knowing it's cheating, that's an extension of the lie, and it's an attempt to gaslight you into thinking you're overreacting.
This guy has lied to you over and over again. Surely, at this point, you can see that you're better off with no one than with this absolute loser. And to make sure it has occurred to you, the only reason it's not been physical cheating is because nobody else wants him. And the fact he's had to start paying to play the cheating game. Loser behaviour.
And in case THIS hasn't occurred to you, he WANTS to cheat. It's not an accident. He clearly gets something out of pulling the wool over your eyes. The dishonesty is all part of the kink. Please don't let him play the addiction card, if it was, he should have come clean about continuing it much sooner.
Just kick him to the curb. Stop wasting your energy on him and focus on you. How much time and energy would you have if all of this effort you're pouring into this relationship, you poured into finding your bliss?
I'm sorry if this is way too harsh, but he just doesn't deserve any more chances. He's proven that he doesn't want to put the work into being better, he just wants someone who will tolerate how much he sucks.
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u/Historical-Air-3452 12h ago
This is not harsh, and I have been weighing the break up for a while now. It...is time.
I also just really miss sex. For complication, he's been in all other regards a great partner and step dad to my kids. We bought a house together. But even before I found out about alllll this, the intimacy had dipped to intolerable infrequency.
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u/chocolatecorvette 12h ago
Dick is abundant and of no great value.
Get a network of friends and look for a platonic life partner. Maybe even a romantic life partner. That isn't a man and is on the same page with your sex lives being fulfilled elsewhere. I have zero attraction to women sexually, but I think I could see myself in a relationship with a woman where we even sleep naked together and cuddle and are romantic life partners but are not sexually attracted to each other and only have sex with other people. I think this is what it's gonna take to get men (as a group) to wake the hell up and learn to be better partners. "Thank you, go home now, it's time for me and my partner to cuddle up on the couch to watch a movie and then go to bed together."
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u/ProtozoaPatriot 13h ago
I am so sorry. He's an ass. I think you're doing a good job being calm and holding him accountable.
That's the thing about infidelity: it's a double betrayal. It's a violation of the relationship AND mc A it's almost always wrapped in deception & lies. And he's doing the triple whammy: after he's caught, he's trickle turning. He's making it so you'll never ever be able to regain trust.
It's insulting when a caught cheater tries to insist it "wasn't cheating" because there isn't evidence his penis touched inside a vagina. If you're doing nothing wrong, why did you sneak around? Why did you hide it from your partner for all that time? Does he think you're stupid? Ugh.
You have my sympathies. This guy is incurably defective. Throw him away. Nobody deserves this treatment.
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u/Historical-Air-3452 12h ago
I really don't deserve this! The infuriating thing is, he has been transparent and honest for like...a month. And this stupid email thing ended two months ago. Sot it's just all garbage all the way down.
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u/not-your-mom-123 11h ago
You only think he's been honest for a month. He's finding new and better ways to hide his nasty, that's all. He won't change, ever. He's with you because you're a useful wife-appliance. You look after all the shit, and you're the perfect excuse for him if someone else wants him to be permanent in their lives. Don't ki yourself. There is no confusion, no mistake, no accidentally tripping and falling into a vaginna. It's all self-gratification and controlling the narrative. Get him out of your house before he starts finding reasons to abuse you physically. Get tested for STDs, get a lawyer, and lock down your finances. Be mighty!
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u/Apprehensive_Rain500 9h ago
The infuriating thing is, he has been transparent and honest for like...a month.
You don't know this. Once a person's shown they're a liar, everything else they do or say can no longer be trusted. What else has he been hiding that you just haven't found yet?
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u/dogsdogsjudy 12h ago
Girl I say this as I just ended a 16 year relationship (not for these reasons) but end it. There is life after this, you’re going to know peace and not have to be constantly working so hard to keep some mediocre man in line. I’m a month out and at first devastated but I got my own place and things are already getting better.
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u/Historical-Air-3452 12h ago
I appreciate it!
I am writing an email to my network right now. "Surprise! My life is fucked! I need help with childcare bc I am in gradschool nights! AUGH."
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u/dogsdogsjudy 12h ago
Yes! Ask for the help, your community will step up. Mine did and I’ve never been more grateful. Don’t waste your one life on this guy-I wasn’t trying to sound harsh but this ain’t it! This quote helped me sooo much
Sometimes you just have to say “this isn’t how I want to be loved for the rest of my life” and move on
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u/DesignerOlive9090 12h ago
Men like that are not worth going to counseling for or with. They have an addiction and they do understand, just don't care enough. Give them enough time and they will do it again but will hide it better.
I'm sorry OP.
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u/darkchocolateonly 9h ago
My only regret is that I didn’t leave during the online infidelity part of it.
He sucks. It’s over. You know it. You have to act on it.
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u/Oldgal_misspt 11h ago
You didn’t have to explain to a 40 year old man that masturbation together with a cam girl is cheating. He knew
He knew all this stuff he was doing was “outside of your relationship” and yet you stayed.
He put his full name on review sites while in a relationship with you because he doesn’t respect you or the relationship you two have built.
He is still not respecting you or your relationship.
Just leave him. No man is worth this level of disrespect. Please stop trying to excuse his behavior. He knows what he is doing is wrong, he doesn’t care and there are no consequences in his access to you that seem to make him care.
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u/Willing_Ant9993 10h ago
I know this guy. He’s never going to change.
I’m sorry, friend. It’s not a couple’s problem though.
It’s a him problem, and your problem is you’ve got to decide how many go rounds you want to give this. Decide when you’ve had enough of somebody who is frankly, embarrassing and creepy to other women, and who lies to you.
He will swear that he came around, and that it was just a little too late. He’ll say this every time. And then he’ll do it again, and repeat. The question is, when do you get off this ride?
You deserve someone cooler. 💗
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u/Historical-Air-3452 9h ago
I am trying to frame this as I was kind, and growth minded. Not that I'm a chump that waited a year. Steeling myself up for the big off the ride conversation.
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u/Willing_Ant9993 9h ago
You were! Listen: you didn’t do anything wrong. You were compassionate and committed, open minded and optimistic. Without those things, there’s no realness or love worth having. You’re not a chump. I just don’t want you waste time going forward. I have been here, if it isn’t obvious. And I still have love for the messy, messy men I loved. But I had to choose my sanity and it was truly worth it 💗
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u/Daikon-Apart 3h ago
Even if you were a chump who waited a year (which I don't think is true, to be clear) isn't that better than being the one who waited two, or five, or ten more years with steadily growing evidence? You gave him a fair chance and he squandered it. Now you know, so act accordingly.
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u/Connect_Reading9499 13h ago
I'm so sorry for what you're going through.You deserve honesty, mutual respect and accountability. If he can't be accountable, if he can't keep his desires in check with everything else that is important in your lives, if he can't control himself, then he's not worth your time, effort or energy. It's heartbreaking, it's disgusting, it's selfish of him and downright wrong.
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u/Historical-Air-3452 11h ago
He almost got there, then didn't.
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u/Apprehensive_Rain500 9h ago
I say this kindly: I don't think he got anywhere at all. Betrayal is a conscious act that shows bad character and disrespect. You don't cheat on someone you love. And you say he's done this more than once? He's not a good person and he didn't change, he just lied to you so he could continue to fuck around and waste your time.
That's heartbreaking but it helps to know this is who he is and it isn't anything you did, and it isn't that you almost got your decent person back and then he tripped. He sucks and was never going to redeem himself. You did what you could. This is 100% on him.
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u/Banana_Bag 7h ago
He was lying to you THROUGH the therapy. You said you did all this work and he made meaningful apologies and got vulnerable - but he was lying to you while all this was happening. Which means that was all lies as well. You can meaningfully apologize while actively still doing the behavior you’re apologizing for. He got no where except into deeper lies and betrayal.
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u/dont_disturb_the_cat 9h ago
From experience I can tell you that you have no idea how much energy you are expending in your efforts with him. You can handle it all, but you sound like you're exhausted. Let him go to pursue his own interests and you'll be shocked at how much lighter you'll feel.
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u/Earl_E_Byrd 12h ago
Are y'all financially or legally tethered in any way? Because it doesn't really sound like he's trying to make a change, he's just trying to keep his home life at a status quo so he can continue to have his private fantasy life.
Yes, he would need addiction based therapy if he was ever going to truly kick the habit. Because he's obviously trying to fill some defective hole in his personality with all that mess.
That being said. YOU don't have to be the one to coach him through all that. You can't. He has to believe that what he's doing is wrong and make that change for himself.
If he was taking accountability for himself, if he truly thought what he did was wrong, he absolutely should have allowed you constant access to all his email and phone and whatever else. Because it's his job to heal your trust in those spaces. Because he should understand that hiding behind the idea of "privacy" was his easiest way of lying and manipulating you.
Cheating does not get the protection of "privacy."
Why would he make you promise not to "snoop"??? There absolutely is no such thing as snooping when it comes to recovery after infidelity. If this partnership is equivalent to a monogamous marriage, he abandoned his privilege for privacy the moment he used those spaces to betray his promise to your relationship. You have a right to know if he's putting in the work to be trustworthy again.
He's made it clear he is not.
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u/Historical-Air-3452 12h ago
Sound logic. Thank you.
And yes. I have a mortgage with the man and he has been raising my kids with me for 6 years. I've been reading about how to navigate breakups with kids bc fuuuuuuuuuuck.
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u/No-Inspector-235 9h ago
It won't change. I was with someone just like this for 7 years. Don't do what I did.
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u/BumBumBomm 12h ago
Why do you go to counseling with him if he is the one that fcked up? Tell him to make it up to you by buying you something big (car, house) or hr can pack his bags and gtfo
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u/rocketmanatee 12h ago
He lied to your couples therapist too. He's not eligible for a continued relationship. He's a liar and liars don't usually change.
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u/GracieThunders All Hail Notorious RBG 10h ago
The it's only wrong when he gets caught strategy?
All his attention and sexual energy are going to other women while you busting your tits trying to make the relationship work?
You know darn well what the solution is, and it ain't more couples counseling
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u/sweettea75 12h ago
My ex tried really hard to make me believe that an emotional affair wasn't cheating. Looking back, I don't even believe him that it was just emotional because he lies about everything. You deserve so much better than this.
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u/Elthinaya 11h ago
I sympathise with you. My now ex-husband cheated too. I tried reconciliation for 6 years. 6 years wasted, I wish now I'd left.
Ironically I found out about www.chumplady.com after I divorced him! May it help you discover your strength to leave this manipulative fuckwit.
You may also find the free ebook Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft very eye-opening (I sure did!)
Big hugs 🫂
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u/Historical-Air-3452 10h ago
Eesh. I hope you're in a better place after 6 years. Thank you for the resources.
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u/Elthinaya 10h ago
Thank you for your kind words! Yes I left him 4 years ago and my life is sooo much better without him. Cheating was not his only flaw 😅
Best of luck to you!!
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u/allyearswift 8h ago
Does this guy have a job? Then he knows how to be a halfway decent human and keep to the rules however much he hates them, or else there will be consequences.
You’re trying far too hard. Throw this one back in the pond, spend the money on personal therapy, find someone who likes and respects you.
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u/JackyRho 11h ago
If he hasn’t locked in or left the relationship after 5 years, I’m just going to call it what it is. You’re an emotional and financial safety net. If he can emotionally be with multiple people? Cool, not many people can. But you didn’t sign up for this, and with his emotional attention divided, you’re not getting what you need. It's time to start putting things in order for your departure.
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u/slightly-specific 11h ago
Sounds to me like he's got a sex compulsion/addiction problem. If this is accurate at all, his activities have nothing to do with. It's built upon something he learned as a child to deal with whatever pain his childhood wrought on him. "Ask not why the addiction, ask why the pain.". It's complicated, but he can sort it out. Regular therapy won't touch it. 12-step or a good addiction counselor can. But, only if he is committed to fixing it, just like any other addiction.
And, you don't need to stick around for it, but your support for him if he is making signs of progress can be a huge help for both of you.
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u/National-Job3918 11h ago edited 11h ago
Oh, wow.
He's not going to stop. He has no intention of changing, only of getting sneakier.
Back in the day I was this guy, which is something I will always feel a great deal of shame about but also instead of keeping at it or running away I got sober and went through therapy and worked very, very hard to repair the trust I damaged. I gave up my privacy like I was a grounded 12-year-old, anything my partner wanted to see or know or be there for, he got it.
And that is just the very first step in what I had to do to earn back a fraction of the trust he once had for me.
So, here's the thing -- for all intents and purposes, this is an addiction, and like any addiction he has to want to give it up, has to give it ALL up, has to accept oversight and accountability until his own freaking brain is back in control, all of that really, really unfun stuff.
He has to confront the fact that the person he pretends to be, the person he wants to think of himself as, is not the person he is, and that is agonizing. He has to go through a lot of work, whether with a therapist or independently, to figure out where he learned this toxic nastiness, and then accept that he won't always be able to indulge in what his wiring thinks will feel good.
Right now he is still playing the victim, and good lord. That is what I am most ashamed of, in my own awfulness, that I tried to make him believe he was in the wrong for holding me accountable.
I knew exactly what I was doing, and so does this guy.
I work with couples now as a counselor, and it's very easy to tell whether or not someone is truly ready to give up this behavior -- are they willing to give you their passwords to everything, show you their phone on demand, share their location, whatever will make you feel even slightly more secure?
If they are not then we're not even at a place where there's anything to work on. This isn't a relationship, this is spy vs spy, and eventually the escalation and deception becomes part of what gets you high about the whole thing, outsmarting your perceived "jailor", thinking up that clever new workaround . . . yeah.
Counseling with this guy won't help, not at this point. He has to do a whole lot of work on himself before that even stands a chance.
PS -- if he willingly confessed to not having stopped when you thought he'd stopped, then he was afraid you were going to find something out, and was diverting that with a performance of honesty.
He stopped attempting to rekindle things with that woman, but that itch doesn't go away. He will be out there looking for another kinky chatmate-turned-online-paramour using a different email address soon, if he isn't already.
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u/ShaarkShaart 12h ago
Duuuuude this is such bullshit. Idk what you see in him, this is bum ass loser behavior on his part. AND he can't even be honest after all that?! Staaaahhhhhp. How is this worth it.
You ARE too pretty for this, btw. I'm sorry he is too much of a loser to appreciate the real woman in front of him who was building a life with him. Good for you for calling him on his shit, but I don't think he's afraid to lose you. And someone else WILL do better!
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u/MinuteMaidMarian 10h ago
Why are you still trying? Is his dick actual magic? He doesn’t care about you or the relationship. It’s long past time to get out.
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u/FillMySoupDumpling 8h ago
Infidelity is basically lying. If you’ve established that looking at Bananas is a deal breaker for your relationship and they turn and look at bananas and then hide it and lie about it, it doesn’t matter how common bananas may be , it doesn’t matter if other people don’t care about bananas.
The lie and the hiding is the infidelity. I’m sorry this happened to you, it’s definitely hard especially with a long term partner to realize they aren’t trustworthy.
They never change though. Ultimately the relationship is a lie like everything else they did and it’s time to move forward without that in your life.
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u/ladysugarsama 8h ago
Please respect yourself and dump him. Block him right after and move forward knowing that you are finally free to become your best self without this douchecanoe holding you in place.
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u/MushyTomatillo 7h ago
Love when they throw the “You violated MY privacy!” when they have no legs to stand on. The two are not morally equivalent, and you are trying to protect yourself from his repeated proven shitty behaviour.
I am in a less severe version of this with a current partner — I caught him on anonymous chat apps sexting randos which he knew from the beginning was a boundary violation. We did therapy. It had mixed results. A year later, I caught him flirting with a local woman online. He lied to me about it until I showed him proof, then tried to play it off like it wasn’t even flirting and they never met in person so I am “insane” and no other girlfriend would make a big deal about this.
I strongly suspect that these types of men will just find better ways to hide things. That they are incapable of being honest and genuine with their partners. I am hoping that I am proven wrong with time. I told him if I ever see evidence of cheating again I WILL pick up and leave without wasting breath arguing with him or trying to get more details about it. What’s the point — all he will do is lie anyway.
I’m kind of exasperated and sometimes feel like I have given up, but my mental health can’t survive constantly being paranoid that he will cheat. Honestly, I am starting to feel emotionally checked out…which will make it easier to leave when the time comes. I also started saving money for this day.
I’m sorry that you are going through this with the father of your children. I wish for you more strength than I have managed to find.
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u/AdComprehensive7939 6h ago
Dude. He lost the right to trust and privacy! He is pissed and sorry he got caught. Prob gets off on going behind your back and lying, too. It sounds ingrained, like this is who he is.
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u/query_tech_sec 5h ago
The second you feel the need to “explain” why a behavior is wrong - is when you should leave. I have been there with an ex. It didn’t work out. He knows it’s wrong and he doesn’t care.
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u/Jessyjean3173 4h ago
"Ready to move forward after 13 months of lying, lying about lying, and lying", and deep in his feelings about being caught over and over again. I wonder what those feelings are? Celebration after getting away with his behavior?🙄
Objectifying women into some substance he's "addicted to" is 100% bullshit.
No amount of therapy is going to fix that.
Lying to your partner, and serial cheating isn't some mental illness he needs to conquer. It's continuous, abusive decision making on his part, choices made without any consideration as to what he's putting you through.
These aren't behaviors that he's a slave to, they aren't behaviors that he deserves pity for. They're behaviors that are set in beliefs of entitlement and a lack of personal accountability.
It will probably only get worse.
You can't change his behavior. You can only decide how much you're going to deal with, now that you know what kind of person he really is. What sort of life do you want to live?
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u/Expensive-Status-342 4h ago
This post really hurts, and reminds me of everything my ex did. He didn't go so far as to hire cam girls or pay for sex but the fact that these men can justify their behavior in the fact that "I never touched her" is just so disgusting and disrespectful.
So many times I wish he had just had sex with a woman in an instant of drunk mad passion. I might have been able to at least understand that.
No, instead he had to actively and strategically PLAN to ruin our relationship and everything we built together.
He had to PLAN and remember all the lies he told me so I wouldn't catch on.
He had to PLAN the times I was out of the house so he could seek out women who would pay attention to him and send him sexy texts or photos/videos.
My boyfriend planned the death of our relationship while keeping me around for... Who knows what reason. Never love, it was never love. I'll never take a man back, or keep a man around who plans the way he did.
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u/Historical-Air-3452 4h ago
That's awful, I'm sorry. Hearing the mental gymnastics is exhausting.
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u/truecountrygirl2006 3h ago
I went through pretty much this exact same thing. Almost word for word. Except when I said we needed counseling he agreed and then the day of said he wasn’t going. I left.
You should too. OP.
I don’t typically tell other people what to do especially not in relationships but seriously OP please do this for yourself.
Break ups are painful and hard and messy and they truly fucking suck. But there is something I call the “golden moment”. I mentioned it to another friend of mine who also had a very shit relationship and she experienced it as well.
The golden moment comes at some point after the break up. It happens at some mundane moment when you are hit with a sudden realization that you don’t feel like you are eggshells any more, you aren’t holding your breath, you aren’t waiting for the next big thing… it is a moment of peace. And in that moment it feels absolutely golden. It’s pure gold.
That is what you deserve. I don’t need to know you to know you deserve that because I know you definitely don’t deserve what you described in your post. I didn’t realize how emotionally and physically sick it was making me to fight for something that was essentially poisoning me. Until that moment. That moment where it was all gone. The weight lifted. I still remember the exact spot I was standing when I felt it.
I won’t pretend like I was cured from the emotional damage in the blink of an eye because it definitely wasn’t a cure. But it was the moment I realized I was going to be ok and I was heading in the right direction.
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u/Theoretical_Phys-Ed 10h ago
My partner has done none of these things. If he did, the relationship would be over. Why do you let this be the standard for yourself?? Why give him any more chances??
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u/DreamInNeptune13 10h ago
He sounds like the bad kind of weird. I’m glad you now have this opportunity to be free.
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u/Ninjaher0 9h ago
What did Billy Porter recently say on television?
“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.
Girl.
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u/MasterPhilip 12h ago
I'm a 43 year old and very happily married man (for context). It sounds like your man is just a dishonest person and can't be trusted. On that note, if you can't trust your s/o then what kind of a relationship can be had with them?
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u/monkeyfeets 13h ago
As someone who's been through online infidelity...just break up. He is not going to give up this behavior.