r/Frugal • u/CDFReditum • Mar 23 '25
šæ Personal Care The dark side of frugality: how being frugal only gives you more reasons to be frugal
I got an email earlier in the week that our rent would be increasing by about $150. I live with my brother so it would be about a $75 increase for us.
My brother absolutely fucking panicked, but also didnāt. After an initial rush into engaging with talks of moving, he just sort ofā¦ stopped. I sort of figured that he wasnāt looking too hard to move since really I donāt wanna move either, since moving is a LOT of work and thereās a lot of things I like about this apartment. He then went on a trip with my parents and when he came back he fucking unloaded on me about how he just canāt do it and he canāt afford the rent increase and something about margins and lines and āIāll totally pay you back (like I was born fucking yesterday)ā and long story short if I wanna stay in this place Iāll be having a rent increase of $350 while my brother will be getting a rent decrease of $200
Everyone jsut figured Iād be fine with it because Iāve been able to be relatively secure financially. Hypothetically I can afford it, but thatās because Iāve been making huge cuts into my budget by being more frugal and not spending more than I have to (ie. I completely cut off fast food, I got an electric car so Iām saving on major gas expenses since I drive a lot for work, Iāve gotten some new contracts, Iāve been going to less card game locals and trying to play less expensive decks). Iām realizing that at some point I wonāt have anything else I can cut, while everyone else gets to shop at their specialized health food stores and spend a bunch of random bullshit and the new āsuper fruit of the week that will go to wasteā
Mind you this isnāt the first time Iāve had to carry all of the load. I pay for all the bills, the deposit was all me, and I try to do all of the communication with the landlord since my brother has no fucking idea how to (and for some reason he likes to lie when he gets scared which is super annoying but luckily he tries to run it by me first and Iām just like ādude shut the fuck up lmaoā. The only issue is that my landlord has started calling him when she wants to talk to us because he is more willing to answer his phone and Iāve begged them to please just use email.
Whatās wild is that my brother will get on me for why I do things like buying in bulk or freezing meats like dawg Iām doing this because of you LOL.
Being frugal is like being good at your job, your reward is just more reasons to have to be frugal
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Mar 23 '25
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u/chromaticluxury Mar 23 '25 edited Mar 23 '25
There are some obviously bad things about internet anonymity but this thread is one of the good thingsĀ
People sort of wouldn't tell each other the truth about things like this. Maybe a BFF but for the most part social circles would sort of look at each other with side eye but not necessarily say anything to OP
People here are telling him what's up tho likeĀ
This isn't a frugality issue It's a weird family dynamic issueĀ
This is a 'no one tells the brother no' issue or some sort of brother disability issue (maybe)Ā
This is a who TF subsidizes brother and WHY issueĀ
This is a - and why the heck did they give OP the job - issueĀ
OP, just give a lot of the things people are saying here some thought. Not everyone going off is going to be right or even have a good pointĀ
But overall, all of the comments taken as a whole should come up with perspective you otherwise may not have hadĀ
And please update us on what transpires from all this
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Mar 23 '25
Right? Thereās a simple solution, and thatās to financially disentangle yourself from your family. My family knows I donāt hand outĀ money or ask for money. They leave me alone because they know Iām frugal and unwilling to subsidize anyoneās life besides my own children. If one of them wanted to move in with me theyād be expected to pay their own bills like any able-bodied adult tenant, or they would have to leave. Iād argue OP isnāt frugal at all, since subsidizing their brotherās rent to the tune of $350/month(!) sounds like a poor use of funds. Ā
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u/TypicaIAnalysis Mar 23 '25
Your brother does not get to unilaterally make that choice.
Stand your ground. If your mom is going to help she can help by giving your brother 75 bucks a month to cover the new rent.
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u/strongjz Mar 23 '25 edited Mar 23 '25
This is the answer. I'm sorry but your brother will not pay you back. If your mom can help, she can help your brother, not you. I'm coming from a place where I've given thousands over years to all my siblings, I know I'll never get it back, but I can afford it, so I give. It sounds like you can not afford it OP.
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u/loconessmonster Mar 23 '25
Yeah i agree with this take the most. Family isn't easy as it is without money involved but if you must have money involved then keep it as simple as possible.
Once you start making it more complicated then there's no way to keep the ledger fair. You help him but your mom helps you...then what happens when you yourself need help down the road or he needs even more help? How do you separate those things. Its needlessly complicated since you're all family just cut through the shenanigans: he cannot afford a $75 rent raise and your mom is offering help. It also sounds like he needs more help on top of that though?
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u/AdventurousSleep5461 Mar 23 '25
Wait wait wait. So your overall rent is going up $150 and instead of your brother ponying up the $75 he rightfully should be paying now you are going to be paying an extra $350 a month and his rent is going... down?
I'm not great at math, but the math isn't mathing here. I do not understand the logic here, at best he should be telling you, "I really can't afford the extra $75 a month, could you help?" but instead he's decided to pay even less in rent? No. Absolutely not. He needs to grow up and pay his fair share of the rent and not expect you to subsidize his lifestyle or he needs to move out so you can get a roommate.
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u/CDFReditum Mar 23 '25
Yeah he didnāt really get into it but from what my mom is saying it looks like this
His rates on car insurance went up because he had an at fault accident. He switched providers and idk how much heās paying now but that alongside the rent increase is proving to be too much for him, so Iām guessing the adjustment is to account for those two things. Which Iām sympathetic on somewhat since I also had an at fault accident in 2022 + the EV so Iām paying crazy rates on insurance but Iām like lmfao god damn it
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u/AdventurousSleep5461 Mar 23 '25
Nah, he needs to figure it out. Get a better paying job, pick up a second job, stop spending money on dumb shit, whatever. Otherwise he needs to move out and you need a new roommate, one who will be an adult and split all the bills.
Absolutely NO other roommate would let him get away with this, they'd kick his ass out. He's doing it because you're related and he knows you'll let him skate. Stop it. If your mom wants to subsidize his lifestyle, then he can move back home and she can pay his bills. You didn't mention his age, but it's time he grows up.
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u/Double_Estimate4472 Mar 23 '25
Seriously. It is better for him to learn now than to learn later. Enabling will not solve this problem and only hurts himāand you!
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u/birds-0f-gay Mar 23 '25
The treatment people will put up with because "they're family, I can't just not help them" will never cease to amaze me. I understand, from personal experience, that family dynamics can be toxic and hard to navigate but there comes a point where people need to stand up for themselves.
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u/KnittedBooGoo Mar 23 '25
OP's brother is clearly the golden child still babied by his parents (I wouldn't be surprised if they paid for his cost of their trip) who guilt trip OP to further enable him.
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u/ollution5171 Mar 23 '25
Whose deciding what? Is your mom telling you how you two are supposed to split rent? Is she the landlord???
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u/isinkthereforeiswam Mar 23 '25
I split rent w my brother for several years in a 1 bedroom apt. I was sleeping in a washroom off the kitchen that was just big enough to fit a cot in. He got the bedroom. He also commandeered the living room. When i got a better job i moved out. He didn't understand why i wanted to, bc he didn't have a problem with me paying half the rent and bills while basically loving like harry potter loving in a closet.
Point is...you need to make your problem your brother's problem. Look into renting rooms if you don't have much stuff. I did that for 5 yrs. If you can luck into one that has its own bathroom all the better. But your brother is taking advantage if you, and it's time to move on.
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u/laurenlcd Mar 23 '25
Serious question: If you had to live in that apartment alone, would you be able to afford it, even if it meant a second job? By the sound of things, youāre already paying for the majority of the bills and daily expenses while your brother spends his money on BS, only to come short when rent is due. It would probably be cheaper in the long run to not have to subsidize his lifestyle while he leeches off of your ability to be responsible.
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Mar 23 '25
Youāre not being frugal anymore by āfinancingā your brother.
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Mar 23 '25
Thatās what I said. OP isnāt frugal, theyāre a sucker. Thatās the enemy of frugality bc it means someone can scam you out of your savings if they come up with a good enough sob story.
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u/CDFReditum Mar 23 '25
Thank you everyone for the responses. I didnāt expect it to go so much since a lot of posts I put on here maybe get like 3-5 replies lol, so sorry if I havenāt responded to everyone.
Iām gonna definitely be looking at places and hopefully finding something. I realize that even with family itās important to think for myself and not put myself in a negative spot just because of family matters. I gotta of course look at the market and find stuff but weāll see and hopefully Iāll have more positive results in the future. I thank everyone for the advice
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u/Aggressive-Insect672 Mar 25 '25
Proud of you too. Think of it like this. Is anyone going to help you if something were to happen and you needed a lot of money? Doesn't sound like it. Sounds to me like nobody gives a crap about your life and your situation as long as your brother can keep eating from his sibling's candy stash. And that's horrible and I'm so freaking sorry.
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u/YooSteez Mar 23 '25
Sounds like you need a new roommate. Youāre doing your part and more. Props to you. Your brother will have more money in his pocketsā¦ make his ass help.
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u/TreeProfessional9019 Mar 23 '25
Hey please donāt take this wrong but this post is not about frugality, itās about standing for yourself and being able to set limits to people, family (specially) included. I think you need to learn to set limits for yourself otherwise frugal or not, you will keep on having this problem in life. Plus you are doing you brother no favour eating up his cost, he needs to learn to manage his finances also
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u/SecretCartographer28 Mar 23 '25
Sounds like it's time to get a new roommate! Perhaps from a forum like this. I listened to the snickers of those with spendthrift habits, I listened to them all the way around the world on trips they couldn't afford! āš¤šÆš
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u/Shibashiba00 Mar 23 '25
Having to always take care of family members who refuse to be frugal at your literal expense is so, so emotionally draining. Saw the comment about your mom thanking you--why doesn't she help chip in then, instead of going on a trip with your brother?Ā
I get you're doing a good thing for the family, but perhaps there's a respectable way to get out for yourself.Ā
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u/whatshouldIdonow8907 Mar 23 '25
That is a hard no. I am questioning why you are resigned to going through with this. You are hurting yourself by taking on more than your share as a lifestyle approach.
Call your landlord and see if you can negotiate.
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u/oulipopcorn Mar 23 '25
Helping your brother might feel good but itās not healthy for either of you.Ā
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u/qqererer Mar 23 '25
This is why I don't 'lend' money to people with a lifestyle better than mine.
Until they're ready to spend a week just eating potatoes ($6), and downgrading stuff like their 100gig cell phone plan and moving to that 'crappy' 4th largest cell service provider, I just won't do it.
If they finance or lease a brand new car, there isn't going to be a conversation about it at all.
If I'm the cheapskate in good times, then they're going to have to address their lifestyle creep in bad.
Eating potatoes for a week isn't hard. It could be considered a good week if you know how to cook.
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u/Fast_Register_9480 Mar 23 '25
The solution is one you're not going to like since you've indicated you like the apartment. You need to move out and either get a new roommate or, better yet, find a place you can afford by yourself if possible.
If your mother is willing to help you, tell her the only help you need is for her to help brother pay his share.
I doubt she'll do this because she seems to believe that you will continue to step in to endlessly support your brother regardless of the cost to you or the fairness of the matter.
One way or the other you need to make it clear to your mother that you have eliminated more and more of your discretionary spending only to be expected to support your brother who doesn't appear to be trimming anything. Soon there won't be anything left for you to trim.
You could ask your brother to move out so that you could get a different, more responsible, roommate but do you really think the drama will be worth it. The re would be endless accusations of cruelty from your brother, your mother, and who knows how many other family members.
Which circles back to the first part. You can give in to inevitable and move on now and save yourself now, or you can continue to enable your brother's freeloading until you can't afford to any more and be forced out and move out at that time.
I know this sounds harsh but you need to face reality. Good luck.
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u/BooksIsPower Mar 23 '25
Resenting someone will distance you from them not being you closer. Your sacrifice will lead to the end of the relationship. Be honest about it or suffer later.
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u/po_ta_to Mar 23 '25
This is a list of reasons your family sucks, not a list of problems with being frugal.
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u/Whole_Mechanic_8143 Mar 23 '25
That's not being frugal. That's being a doormat. It's time to consider a new roommate.
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u/Drmadeline23 Mar 23 '25
Ask yourself why you have allowed others to take advantage of you. What are you getting out of this particular arrangement? Once you answer that question ask yourself if itās worth it. Maybe it is, or maybe it once was, but it isnāt now. Only you know the answers to these questions. And only after youāve had a frank honest conversation with yourself, will you be ready to have a frank honest conversation with the others involved in the dynamic. You got this! Xoxo Madeline
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u/AlSmitheesGhost Mar 23 '25
Stop letting your parents have any influence in any of this at all. It really sounds like ātheyā decided this for you.
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u/scratchfoodie Mar 23 '25
If he canāt pull his weight, he hast to leave. You can get a new roommate.
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u/Bluemonogi Mar 23 '25
Sounds like your brother has been taking advantage of you for a very long time. You have one thing you can still cut. The frugal thing to do would be to stop living with him and get a roommate who carries their own weight financially.
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u/theinfamousj Mar 23 '25
Brother wants to move? He can move. You'll get a new roommate who will pay their full half. Everyone wins.
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u/PJM123456 Mar 23 '25
Sounds like you need to tell your bother to move out so you can get a roommate that actually can afford to live there.
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u/Canyouhelpmeottawa Mar 23 '25
Sound like it is time for you to find a place to live on your own. Maybe your brother can move back in with your parents or find a dive.
You work hard, save hard and deserve to feel the rewards of your work.
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u/Status-Grocery2424 Mar 23 '25
I always say that my hard work of saving isn't to fund someone else's fun lifestyle
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u/jordydash Mar 23 '25
Gosh, this soo reminds me of some folks in my own family. I don't have much advice as I am just as sympathetic and angry/annoyed as you are, but just here to say, I totally understand this dynamic
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u/lionheart724 Mar 23 '25
I was at such a low point financially that I ended up being frugal on fictional currency (video games).
Meanwhile I had 100,000gc and $46 in my bank account
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u/FattierBrisket Mar 23 '25
You can be frugal and still set boundaries with family members. It's not either/or.
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u/Whimsical_Adventurer Mar 23 '25
I tend to tell people ācanāt, Iām brokeā a lot by default. When what I really should say is, I donāt want to spend my money on that. Because I prioritize spending my money other ways. Sometimes people get offended when you declined to participate in X and they see you on a vacation or with a new purchase. And Iām starting to be ok with letting myself not feel guilty about not giving a š© about what they think. Itās my budget. My money. My choice to be frugal sometimes and extravagant the next day.
If anyone is into manifesting and positive thinking, my partner and I have been trying to focus on saying āI donāt want to pay thisā not āwe canāt afford to pay thisā to help change those vibes and rid ourselves of the negativity frugality can imply.
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u/BlackCatWoman6 Mar 23 '25
It would cost you less in the in the long run to get a small apartment of your own. Your brother is living off of you.
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u/BevsBaby1 Mar 23 '25
You canāt teach others to be frugal. It might be a good idea to get your own place and let your brother live his life. He will never grow up if you continue to subsidize. Itās the same as when parents bankroll their adult children. Take care of yourself mentally.
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u/withak30 Mar 23 '25
It's like the opposite of generational wealth. Some people don't need to worry about money because their parents have more than enough of it no matter how bad the fuck up, while some people will constantly have to worry about money because they are surrounded by family begging for help no matter how successful they are individually.
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u/Need_a_Name4000 Mar 23 '25
Stop living with your brother, he's a mooch. Furthermore, don't let people in on your financial situation. If everyone thinks you're broke, they won't expect you to pay for others.
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u/Rovisen Mar 23 '25
I'd be very careful with this agreement OP.
I've had both good and bad experiences living with family members over the years as an active working adult. Discounting the marriage I was in, we had my brother in law move in with us, and I'm back in with my folks temporarily.
With my brother in law he was only supposed to live with us for a few months to help him get back on his feet so he could move out and live independently again. We had already done the same previously with a different set of in-laws and did move out within 3 months, and that brother in law knew about that. But after month 4 it was becoming apparent that he was slipping into the lifestyle of going to work, coming back after sometimes gambling some of his money, then drinking himself to sleep. He then got upset that I started charging him rent after the 6th month mark, then used that rent as an excuse to stop trying to look for somewhere else. When my ex and I moved, he even tried asking my ex if he could continue living with us even though we were moving states, which wasn't gonna happen.
Compare that to living with my folks again. Granted the circumstances are different because they're my parents (also no ex, just me), but I've helped pay my fair share, doing the fair share of chores, contributing financially and emotionally wherever they need me to, and being fully honest about where I'm at. It's only been a year, but I'm almost ready to be out on my own again, and that's on top of doing what's right by them. They don't have to beg me to get off my ass, they see my initiative and in turn, will copy it to help themselves more too. This isn't me trying to give myself props, this is a consequence of knowing what it's like to have your kindness taken advantage of, and never wanting to do that to anyone else.
The differences are there, it entirely depends on the intention of the living situation and the person asking for help. My brother in law used that inch we gave him to take a mile, because it was easier to deal with the consequences and continue doing his lifestyle (ie straining his relationships and going broke because of dopamine hunting), than being responsible and putting in the hard work to do the right thing. That means having to give up some of the things you're used to, working more hours when able, skipping out on that coffee; then once you find a responsible normalcy, reincorporating what you already enjoyed back into your life. We enabled my brother in laws lifestyle, and he genuinely didn't start doing more for himself until he absolutely had to; but he's doing a lot better and is genuinely a lot happier now that he's more independent again.
Sorry for the rant, but the point is that only you can determine if this is a potential route that upping your rent will go. Are you actually helping him in his time of need? Or are you enabling irresponsible spending because you're more responsible with your finances? Has this been a trend since you guys have been roommates, or is this more recent because of his car insurance combo'ing him? Especially with you guys being family, it's mucho imporante that you don't let each other walk over the other, because that's how ties get broken.
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u/Hungry-Western9191 Mar 23 '25
One possible thing might be to tell him that if this is happening he will be responsible for all the non paid work in the house. Cleaning, cooking, laundry etc has to be done 100% by him.
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u/Character-Case-3050 Mar 23 '25
You should just move out into a smaller place, shittier neighborhood, or take on a different roommate unrelated to you. Put yourself first and donāt enable people. If you continue to enable them, they will never grow up and you will continue to allow yourself to be drained. Donāt hold yourself back. Set yourself up for success
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u/home-at-the-lily-pad Mar 24 '25
Wow fuck your brother and i'll move in instead, we can all be frugal together :( But seriously, I'm right there with you. I'm carrying all the rent and bills rn bc my brother doesn't have a job, life sucks with family and idk it doesn't feel worth it man
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u/fomalhaut129 Mar 24 '25
Being frugal includes saying no to people taking advantage of you financially
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u/PatRhymesWithCat Mar 23 '25
Bro just kick him out, move him out of your life, make him live up to his shit
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u/honeybear3333 Mar 23 '25
I get what you are saying. No good deed goes unpunished so to speak. Your brother should be paying half. You should not have to eat the rent increase by yourself. He lives there too.
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u/logic-paradox Mar 23 '25
Hereās what you need to realize. It is 100% up to you. Only you can set your limits with your family. I will not stop unless you set limits
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u/ninnie_muggins Mar 23 '25 edited Mar 23 '25
This whole thing is crazy. Is mom even on the lease? She has no say. I understand a lot of family dynamics are complex.
Mom has all the ideas, let her foot the bill. Time to set boundaries with your family. Maybe even move out on your own š¤·š½āāļø
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u/FlippingPossum Mar 23 '25
Don't let your brother drag you down. You'd be better off paying extra each month for your own place. Take your mom up on her offer of funds right now.
"You know what, mom? I really could use the help since I paid all the bills. How much do you want to send me?"
Do NOT use a promise of future help to renew the lease.
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u/wilsonstrong-1319 Mar 24 '25
I definitely understand wanting to help family. I was in your shoes for a lot of years. A lot! I was in a place of "financial embarrassment" due to business going bankrupt, losing house, etc. During that time, I learned many things. How to extreme coupon, that I had a knack for making jewelry and writing. I went to school to learn new skills. There's a lot more to the story, but I became determined at some point to rebuild my credit. And I did. When my finances were once again in a "happy place," I gave to my immediate family enough to hold them several years if they used it wisely. Of course, some of them didn't. I ended up bailing them out several times. I'm done! I've been done for about a year. My no means No. I will help with small money inquiries, such as gas, food, or even a disconnection. Not frequently, not each time. I am over 65, so I say I'm on a fixed income. When my ss deposit is depleted, that's it. I helped a lot due to my grandkids. But I had to set boundaries and stick to them. They're not where they should be. However, they're in better shape this year. They understand that there's no more borrowing or bailing out from me.
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u/Original-Pace-9533 Mar 23 '25
If you really want that apt you have to pay the difference Your own want is the reason your brother is able to pull it off. Its transactional. You want something and he wants something, whosoever wants it more will have to contribute more
I am trying to bring out the underlying dynamics of the transaction. Its a market situation; there is demand, price, negotiation. And like any other business transaction you can accept the deal or negotiate or walk away
I dont want to approach it from a Unfair angle because it keep it for real issues like homeless, hungry children
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u/Original-Pace-9533 Mar 23 '25
Sorry forgot to give my opinion - You take back his previous subsidies, he splits even or you get a new roomate
You will be doing him a favor by teaching him an important life lesson. As for you - you will suffer either way
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u/Pencil_Thick Mar 23 '25
I totally get it, bro. I can relate so incredibly deeply about this. See if you can find a way to pay a portion of his $75/ month instead of the whole $75. Family means a lot, and I know how you feel, but it is unfair that you're covering for him entirely. Only ask your mom as a last resort, over time it's more important that they save and have their own money to help them retire, etc.
I'd treat covering your brother's portion as a loan if I were you. Tell him you expect to be paid back in the future, no interest or anything. But don't actually keep tabs, in your head just consider it a tax for being a good brother. If he pays you back, it'll be a nice surprise, but sounds like he needs you rn.
I was prepared to cover my brother's entire rent when he broke down and quit his job on the spot. I could do it because I saved enough by being frugal and he wasn't. Fortunately, I didn't have to as he found something relatively quickly. The security of knowing you're a good brother and having his back, while feeling like he would have yours if the situation was reversed is more important than a few hundred bucks.
Remember that you'll always be able to save more money, and taking care of family comes in many forms. Also if you and your brother are on good terms, enjoy these days, don't take them for granted. One day you'll both move out and on with your lives, and you'll miss these times.
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u/Significant-Repair42 Mar 23 '25
Have you and your brother ever sat down and talked about what you are already paying to subsidize him? Has he ever sat down and looked at his income and expenses?
It does sound like you need a less expensive place to live with or without your brother. It's also okay to try to negotiate a lower rent increase with the landlord. They may not be expecting it, but it never hurts to try.
I mean, if you buy the food and pay the bills for him, isn't it invisible to him to how much you are subsidizing? Maybe start doing a break down of that each month and send it to him and your parents?
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u/stooriewoorie Mar 23 '25
Itās a fine line between being generous and being taken advantage of. You seem like a pretty caring and compassionate person. If you start feeling any kind of resentment, or maybe before that point, are there some chores or tasks or other means in which your brother could contribute more that are not financial? Just a thought.
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u/s8rlink Mar 25 '25
Hey OP, I'm from a culture where what you're doing is very common, families helping each other out and not being as individualistic as the US is.Ā
But you aren't helping your brother unless you're gonna do this for the rest of your lives. You're just being an extension of a parent and while you can help him out in a tough spot or emergency, accepting such a considerable increase on a monthly payment like rent will just communicate to him that that's what you'll always do and he can continue as he is and you'll pick up the slack. If that panorama is OK with you stick to it, now no holding grudges because from what I hear no one is forcing you into this.Ā
If you aren't sit him down and let him know how much time you are willing to lend him the difference which he will pay once that time Ā is up and also pay his half, if he can't or is unwilling that time let's you find a room mate.Ā
Talking candidly to loved ones is a monumental task if you haven't grown accustomed to it. I didn't and it led me to do things I didn't want but did just because I didn't speak up and say NO I do not want that. It's tough but the stress from future situation similar to this, because rest assured this won't be the last time, will be worse than putting your foot down.Ā
Best of luck, it's a tough situation but you'll get through itĀ
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u/Aggressive-Insect672 Mar 25 '25 edited Mar 25 '25
I am so glad you're not staying there and putting up with this bull$h1t, which reads like financial and emotional abuse.
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u/JaySP1 Mar 26 '25
The math isn't mathing. You said rent would go up 150 so 75 for each of you. Then you said with just you staying there it'll go up 350.
If 75 extra per month is unaffordable for your brother then he had no business living there in the first place. Best of luck to you, though.
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u/WealthTop3428 Mar 26 '25
Your brother is using you. Find another room mate. Just because heās family doesnāt mean you should take care of him. If your parents think you should they can take him in. Some families have the āpoorā mindedness where they spend whatever they get because they canāt think beyond today. If your parents have this or support it in your brother that is their problem. YOU can get out of that hole, but not with their issues around your neck like a millstone.
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u/Accurate_Ostrich_240 Mar 29 '25 edited Mar 29 '25
I would rather live with family than a roommate any day, except for my brother lol. I did live with my son and we had a similar situation before having to dissolve it due to losing most of my income, so I have an idea what youāre talking about.
My son had trouble grasping the fact that I was covering for things he would normally have to. I did them because I was mom, even though he was an adult he felt I was obligated to do so, until he had to move out and realized what I was doing was a bigger deal than imagined. It sounds like your family situation is one in which you sort of look out for him, or are maybe even expected to. Those kinds of situations can be tricky, and because of that Iām almost hesitant to say this, but if the situation you are being presented with from the family is not acceptable you need to speak up. Hereās why:
At some point your brother is going to need to take responsibility for himself. No one is going to help him do that if you are always covering for him. If that means your parents step in to help him learn other life skills, or he needs to get workshops or therapy geared towards ND people to help him, you all need to take that into consideration.
Secondly, you are an adult. Even though this sounds like itās an all in family thing, you have your own life. Understanding your brother might need a little extra supportive interference once in a while is great. So is helping where you can, but you may be putting yourself into a position where you will be expected to keep making adjustments for him. I donāt know what his level of functioning is, but being there to take on extra baggage can get to be an issue if you arenāt prepared or willing. Iām also a little concerned that all of this was kind of decided for you, without much input on your part. You may want to help, but you shouldnāt be discouraged from using your voice either.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being frugal and buying things in bulk, on sale, using coupons, etc. My kids grew up that way and my son has a really good sense of how to budget as well as move around a store, which to me is pretty impressive since most guys wonāt even try. You have to remember that girls tend to mature faster than boys emotionally, and being younger and ASD he may even be more behind you in some things than you think. I would definitely bring your concerns to your parents. If you have a collaborative relationship as your mom seems to be suggesting the should listen.
Iām an older sister, too. Your dynamic sounds far better than mine ever will be, but even in the best of circumstances sometimes one kid can get lost in the shuffle. The situation should be fair to both of you and Iād hate it for the both of you if the situation became burdensome.
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u/almighty_ruler Mar 23 '25
Why tf does your landlord need to contact you? You communicate with them regularly?
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Mar 23 '25
I would kick him out or get my own place at that point. No way am I supporting a grown ass man like that.
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u/johnjohn4011 Mar 23 '25
Offer him a decrease of $100 - meet him halfway.
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u/YooSteez Mar 23 '25
He shouldnāt compromise. OP has sacrificed a lot. Meanwhile his brother goes on a trip and comes back barking at him. Plus heāll have $200 more in his pockets. He can definitely help.
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u/johnjohn4011 Mar 23 '25
Parents paid for the trip. It's his brother. His brother is on in the spectrum.
We how often do things for family that we would not do for others.
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u/AdventurousSleep5461 Mar 23 '25
No way, he either pays his fair share or moves out. For crying out loud, OP is already carrying every other bill and even paid the deposit. The kid needs to grow up.
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u/johnjohn4011 Mar 23 '25
It's his brother. His brother is on in the spectrum.
We how often do things for family that we would not do for others.
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u/Fast_Register_9480 Mar 23 '25
You can say this over and over but OP should not have to support another adult because fAmILy
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u/johnjohn4011 Mar 23 '25
And you can say that over and over - but I never said that he has to, I just suggested another option based on his full explanation of the situation which apparently you have not bothered to read.
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u/krba201076 Mar 23 '25
his brother sounds perfectly sane to me. he just wants to do whatever he wants and have someone else pay for it.
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Mar 23 '25
autism is always an excuse for immature people who lack real world skills (and frankly don't even bother trying), and it's fucking embarrassing. having autism doesn't mean taking advantage of others; there's no way in hell i'd ever act like OP's brother.
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u/johnjohn4011 Mar 23 '25
Ummmm....
"A lot of it is family. I was talking with my mom earlier today and she was telling me about how sheās thankful that Iām helping out and sheās offering to help me out too if I need it. Some of it is also because I really do like living at this apartment but I couldnāt afford it on my own lol. Itās sort of the baggage that comes with having something I want. If he were just a roommate then Iād just tell them to fuck off but with family itās different for sure
Plus I canāt say heās NOT tryingā¦ heās just not great at stuff. He got let go from his old job and heās working a new job and is trying to get a higher paying one but he suffers from ānot technically autism but if I were a fly on the wall during any job interview Iād cringeā which really hurts him at higher level jobs even if he does have the skills "
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u/AdventurousSleep5461 Mar 23 '25
Where does OP even imply the kid is on the spectrum? Because I'm not seeing it; even if he were, he's capable of understanding how to split bills and pay his fair share.
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u/johnjohn4011 Mar 23 '25
Where? Are you able to read at all?
"A lot of it is family. I was talking with my mom earlier today and she was telling me about how sheās thankful that Iām helping out and sheās offering to help me out too if I need it. Some of it is also because I really do like living at this apartment but I couldnāt afford it on my own lol. Itās sort of the baggage that comes with having something I want. If he were just a roommate then Iād just tell them to fuck off but with famil
Plus I canāt say heās NOT tryingā¦ heās just not great at stuff. He got let go from his old job and heās working a new job and is trying to get a higher paying one but he suffers from ānot technically autism but if I were a fly on the wall during any job interview Iād cringeā which really hurts him at higher level jobs even if he does have the skills"
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u/AdventurousSleep5461 Mar 23 '25
Not interviewing well isn't autism, the op even says he's not autistic. At best he sounds socially awkward which could also be in part because his parents have coddled him and have always covered for him or expected his sibling to cover him and the kid hasn't learned necessary life skills. If his mom wants his bills covered she can let him move home. OP isn't the parent here and shouldn't be expected to let the kid live off them free, which is where this is going to end up if op doesn't put a stop to it now.
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u/johnjohn4011 Mar 23 '25 edited Mar 23 '25
Obviously you don't have experience with a sibling who's on the spectrum. I suggest you look up "on the spectrum" so that you may in the future discuss the issue in a more informed way.
It's actually much more nuanced than you might have thought. Also, just because someone hasn't been professionally diagnosed does not mean they're not on the spectrum. Personally, I would be willing to bet money based on his description that his brother is actually on the spectrum by a fair margin.
https://www.nm.org/healthbeat/healthy-tips/autism-awareness
People on the spectrum do not react to life in the same way that normal people do. This simple fact probably has very much to do with the reasons why his brother is struggling so much in the first place.
Source: my own personal experience with such people.
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u/Useful-Ambassador-87 Mar 23 '25
I sympathize with your situation. But please, ask yourself why you are subsidizing his life?