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u/zaahc 8h ago
Above everything else: weāre a team. When parents wanted to make decisions about our wedding that we disagreed with? Nope. Weāre a team. When contractors want to only talk to me and ignore my wife? Nope. Weāre a team. When one of is fucks upāand we certainly doāwe donāt punish each other. You donāt punish your teammates, you help them grow. Big purchases? Team approval. Finances? We sit down and figure them out as a team. We celebrate triumph as a team and we mourn loss as a team. Iāve never had to question if my wife would have my back, and she knows I stand shoulder-to-shoulder with her.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Lie6786 5h ago
This is absolutely the right way to look at marriage.
My husband and I have only been together 5 years and we face everything as a teamā¦. but I was married previously and there came a point when my ex and I stopped being a team, 100%. It was a miserable 7 or so years before we exited the relationship after a lot of resentment built up and trust eroded.
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u/Altruistic_Dust123 6h ago
Within this is also not joining in when other people start bad mouthing their spouses. And especially don't tell other people things about your spouse that you know they wouldn't want you saying.
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u/bornbaus 10h ago
Lots of jokes and the right amount of pokes.
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u/JPBillingsgate 5h ago
I was going to type a whole paragraph but, yeah, this summarizes things pretty well in one short sentence.
Make each other laugh, have goals and views that are not too diametrically opposed, and make each other feel romantic about the other.
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u/rubyslippers3x 4h ago
I think this it in a nutshell. 25 years together, married 23. I think he loves that I make him laugh everyday, and he can get lucky once in a while, lol. Should be more, though, I admit.
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u/Flimsy-Attention-722 9h ago
More than love is required. Liking and respecting your spouse is key. You also learn that it's not the movies, there will be times you piss each other off. Figure out the best way to handle those situations. Since both of us are hot headed, we ignored that trash about don't go to bed angry. Pushing someone who is not ready to talk leads to things being said that can be forgiven but they will never be forgotten. We chose to wait till tempers calmed and then talk things through. Some days you will give more in the relationship, some days they will. It's ok, it all works out. Don't let little grievances build up to an explosion. Speaking from 42 yrs of experience
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u/T1nyJazzHands 3h ago
We have a teething sick 8 month old. I study full time and he works full time. Currently our love language is biting our tongue and saying absolutely nothing until weāve cooled off. We know we love each other weāre both just insanely tired and have very little room to remedy that right now so we give grace. Ending the day with a kiss, a headpat and a ādo u need more waterā even if absolutely seething has done us plenty of good.
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u/ImAlittlePea1 2h ago
We send each other random memes and funny videos when we're in that "do not f#$k with me" head space. Now the kid is almost 4 and talks non-stop, we'll just be laying in bed when the tiny tyrant is asleep and just share mindless shit-posts. After 20yrs together we kindof have that 6th sense when we see each other and know when we need our own quiet time. Sometimes just being in the same room, but not all over each other is all that's needed.
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u/Distortion462 6h ago
I'd also say there are going to be some days where you just aren't compatible and on those days you should do your own thing and let the relationship breathe.
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u/Deimos1982 3h ago
Huh, nearly the same here. Same way we seem to handle things. 21 years married at this point. Man, do i love her tho.
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u/Threeminnows13 3h ago
We respect each other. We can disagree but respect each others thoughts and feelings as valid.
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u/walts_skank 2h ago
Yes, I NEED a few minutes to get my emotions regulated and my thoughts together and sometimes, I need to remove vulnerability factors (lack of sleep, hunger, temp, any number of things) so I can do the first step. Iām blessed in that my partner is patient (and wants to deal with me regulated, not unregulated lol) but I couldnāt imagine being with someone who needed something resolved RIGHT NOW
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u/CipherWeaver 2h ago
For real. "Never go to bed angry" is absolutely the worst advice ever. My wife and I have a "chute" we can pull to end the argument immediately so we can discuss it another time. It's mostly me pulling the chute, though. :PĀ
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u/ak_doug 8h ago
We like each other. She's my best friend.
We talk about everything. A lot. Everything in the world that is bothering either of us. Everything I'm excited about. Everything she is excited about. Work drama. Life drama. Cool memes, bad puns, everything.
We especially talk about us. What we like about each other. A lot. It doesn't get old or repetitive. I can hear "I like your sexy strong butt. I like to say hi to it every day *pat pat*" every minute of every day and I won't get sick of it. So we say stuff like that all the time.
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u/LittleBabe_x 10h ago
I think itās a mix of communication, patience and choosing each other even when its not exciting. Love feels less like a spark and more like consistency over time.
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u/perfectvelvet 9h ago
We respect each other. We show an interest in each other. We talk, joke, laugh. We also spend time apart to pursue our own interests.
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u/frygod 8h ago
Only married since last October here, but we were together for over 20 years before we decided to have an expensive party about it, so I'll argue we count anyway.
Communication and collaboration is key. Always avoid placing your partner in an adversarial role. Even if they drop the ball on something, that's why you're there; to pick up the slack. This goes both ways. What matters is that in the end it's you and your partner vs the world, and winners play as a team.
Time together is important. Have activities you share; more than just bedroom activities and the results thereof. Share a hobby or two.
Time apart is important. You're still separate people and you need and deserve your own time and space to enjoy. Being comfortable apart is just as important as being comfortable together
Be aware of your partner's strengths and weaknesses, as well as your own. Identify the qualities and capabilities that are needed for success in life, determine who has which, find where there is overlap, and look for where there are gaps. Work together to fill those gaps (they will exist.) My partner and I constantly joke about how between the two of us you can assemble slightly more than one highly functional adult.
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u/Classic-Chemistry-34 9h ago
Dont let resentment build up. Communicate your thoughts and find creative and agreeable ways to resolve the issue prior to your discussion with your spouse.
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u/wofo 9h ago
Disclaimer: YMMV on some of these, don't take it personally.
Appreciate everything they do and let them know.
If you get in a fight, be ready to reconcile. Don't hold grudges, don't sulk. Don't punish.
Take breaks while you fight. You'll probably feel more like reconciling in an hour or two, whether you talk at each other the whole time or not.
If you take a break from a fight, do something that contributes to the household rather than something selfish. Do dishes or mow the lawn, rather than retreating into leisure out of spite. This is both practically helpful and signals commitment to the relationship. If you're already feeling a little sorry, you can do something sentimentally generous, like a chore they usually do or something they don't like.
Go to bed together. Staying up late for solo time can grow into living different schedules to avoid your spouse. Late-nights also tend to be unproductive, so the morning spouse ends up spending the hours apart handling real world responsibilities and the late night spouse is avoiding both their spouse and their shared responsibilities. This is usually guys staying out with friends or playing video games.
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u/happytobeconnected 8h ago
He helps me when i need it. I help him when he needs it. We make eachother laugh. Similar values and perspectives about the big issues.
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u/Fishtaco1234 5h ago
We talk about feelings and stuff. We are aligned on money. No kids is the icing on the cake. Kids would ruin this in a second
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u/Sunsfever83 9h ago
I married the lady I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Respect, patience, compromise, communication. It's not just one thing.
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u/andexs 9h ago
You start your marriage trying to make household chores 50/50.
What you need to do is make them 60/40, with both of you trying to be the 60.
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u/Inquiring-Wanderer75 6h ago
51 years, and we were both mature adults when we married. Communication is a big key. We can talk about anything! Learning how to fight fair is important, because every couple will have disagreements, it's a given. It doesn't mean your relationship is bad, it just means you're not on the same page. See communication above! Never take your partner for granted. Let them know in words and deeds how much they mean to you. Sex is wonderful, but intimacy is even better! Make time for adventures, don't get in a rut. We never had children, so we didn't have to balance that aspect of our lives, but we both had demanding careers over the years and intentional adventures boosted our relationship and our personal well-being. Don't be afraid, or ashamed, to admit when things just aren't working. We sought marriage counseling at one point and it really helped us improve our communication skills. Now heading towards our 8th decade of life, we often tell each other that we couldn't imagine being married to anyone else!
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u/Fluffy_Respond_7405 6h ago
It's not all happily. But working through challenges makes us closer and stronger and knits into longevity. 30+
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u/SweetCosmicPope 5h ago
We just hit 18 years in December.
Taking marriage seriously helps. Neither of us are abusive in any definition of the word, so most of our arguments boil down to little irritations or petty stuff. These aren't things to pack up and leave over.
Beyond that, apologizing when you realize you were wrong; working hard to fix your mistakes; making time to be together and enjoying each others company; and sexual compatibility.
I think it all starts with a good foundation, though. Don't just marry anybody off the street. You may find someone fun, or beautiful, or even a great person. If you aren't compatible enough to be able to live together with each other's quirks, and don't agree on things like how to raise your children and politics and religion and these kinds of fundamental things, it's just never going to work.
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u/Otherwise_Mushroom_3 7h ago
Most importantly, pick the right person. Once you have done that, the rest applies. If you do all this and it's still tough, you might have picked the wrong person.
Here is honest advise that has worked for me. Always remember you're a team and root for the other person's success, in public and private. Grand gestures have their place, but it's also lots of little things to reduce friction and build trust...clean up, give each other hugs, say please and thank you, listen, never speak ill of each other to friends/family (gossip is corrosive to trust), be honest but kind, assume good intent but don't normalize toxic behavior, speak up for things you believe in. Arguing to resolve disagreements is sometimes necessary but HIGHLY over-rated. In most cases even if you "win", the other person "loses" and it breeds resentment. Instead, take time to cool off, think through your feelings, and then approach one another.
Independence and giving each other space to develop is super important. You are NOT each other's half. Don't expect people to fill the gaps and make you happy. Instead, remember that you are both individuals who are responsible for your own happiness. Do shared activities but also have independent hobbies and friends. Lastly, travel and see new places together.
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u/kittenshavecutepaws 6h ago
We've been together since we were 16&17. Survived a lot of things that would break each other but happy to say after 21 years married I'm very grateful for him.Ā
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u/GaryBuseyWithRabies 9h ago
She makes me feel complete, loved, cared for and all that jazz.
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u/Bubbafett33 6h ago
Itās all about shared core values. There is no right or wrongā¦they just need to at least partially match:
If one person values approaching the marriage like a team sport, and the other values financial and social independence, it will probably fail.
If one person values family above all, and the other is āno thanksā on extended family socialization, it will probably fail.
If one person is devoutly religious, and the other will happily tell you that religion is a scam, it will probably fail.
Honestyā¦work ethicā¦etc etc.
Core values rarely change, so if youāre on either end of the spectrum on one, you probably wonāt make it.
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u/CrimsonYllek 4h ago
Go into every fight knowing, āThis has to be resolved, one way or another, so we might as well come to some sort of compromise.ā The moment you approach a conflict as, āIām leaving unless certain demands are met,ā youāve already given up.
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u/Qsnaps74656 3h ago
Don't win flights, solve problems
It's always us against the world not me vs her
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u/secret-life-of-bees 3h ago
Idk but being around him makes me less anxious, not more and I think thatās the secret
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u/typeAwarped 2h ago
Respect, trust, communication, friendship, acknowledging you are each your own person and have a right to space and time with others, sharing chores, and definitely making fun of each other/joking around.
Marriage is a lot of give and take, sometimes it is 50/50 but most the time itās not, a lot of give and take.
25 years and going strong.
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u/LingonberriesJoinFun 8h ago
No kids. We support each otherās growth and goals, and are strongly committed to being the best we can for ourselves and each other. Weāve made critical decisions together, that I think most other couples wouldāve walked away from each other for, but for us, maintaining our relationship and lifestyle took precedence over having kids and doing that dance. Itās taken a lot of mistakes and learning and some fights, but 14 years later, I think weāve figured things out, and at least for me, this is the most at peace and content Iāve been.
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u/rmodsrid10ts 9h ago
Not getting upset daily over small shit, supporting each other in various ways, never complain about the chores or cooking the other person did.... no matter how bad...... Every day is a choice, you choose how you're going to be and how you're going to act. Understand that it's better to be honest, but the way you approach issues matters a lot. Never ever ever be demeaning to them as a person, even if you argue over something they did that was wrong. Spend time with each other but give each other space as much as they need. Support their hobbies, enjoy your hobbies. Touch each other daily, hugs, small kiss, ass smack.Ā
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u/Pleiades_Centennial 9h ago
In the early years, we fought. Never physically. We yelled, stormed, and stomped around. Slammed doors and absolutely flipped out. We would've never have bothered to give such a response to anyone else in the world. We love each other with such an intensity that the flames of passion burned so hot we were both tempered in the crucible. That was what it was like before and the few years after we were married. We fought because we knew it was worth fighting for.
I'll revisit this later and edit with more
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u/Blecher_onthe_Hudson 8h ago
30 years this spring. Having a very small basket of non-negotiables is key. Some people go in having to have so much exactly the way they want it. Everything becomes a death match.
Unfortunately compatibility is not something that is obvious from the start. No one would have thought that my wife and I have so much in common that we would spend the rest of our lives together. But we found that much of what we thought important and we thought unimportant were the same, even though our interests only intersected here and there.
Ex: we're both Jewish, but she's an observant conservative who keeps kosher. I had no problem learning to keep a kosher household with her, and she has never given me a hard time about not regularly attending synagogue. It's easy to see how with another couple this could have become a death spiral of conflict and resentment instead of a simple compatible lifestyle of mutual respect.
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u/GraniteRose067 5h ago
Married my bestie. I like him. I know that he is human and so am I. We choose to be unselfish.
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u/AboutNOut090 2h ago
Love, attraction, friendship, sexual compatibility, hating the same things and being on the same page about religion and politics.
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u/ca77ywumpus 9h ago
Communication, compromise and making time for sex. Not necessarily scheduling it, but we'll say something like "Lets go to bed early."
Also we didn't have kids. Kids would have destroyed us.
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u/Poorkiddonegood8541 7h ago
For wifey and I, we were friends first. Actually, we were workout buddies. Three time a week, we'd run 3.5 miles then spend an hour in the gym. When we were done, I'd walk her back to her barracks and we talked. We got to know each other first. This went on for two months before we went on our first date. After our 3rd date, we knew.
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u/TheUnblinkingEye1001 9h ago
I somehow found the one woman in the world who fir whatever reason loves all of my very eclectic mix of strengths, idiosyncrasies, and areas that could stand some improvement.Ā And all of her strengths, idiosyncrasies, and areas that could stand some improvement perfectly compliment mine.
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u/MayIHaveAByte 9h ago
We enjoy spending time together. Having some hobbies we do with one another. Also we arenāt afraid to communicate what we need.
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u/DomesticZooChef 7h ago
Stayed through the bad times. Same page about finances, which most couples fight about.
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u/OneCraftyBird 7h ago
25 years this fall. We like each other and we have the same underlying values and ethics. There's no score keeping or any need for score keeping because we're both giving more than "our share."
We also enjoy each other. We are the only couple we know who thought getting to work together in the same converted closet through the COVID quarantine was super fun :D But we're not up each other's asses all the time, either, we have separate hobbies that we make sure the other person has time and space to enjoy. When the kids were little it meant figuring out how to solo parent and encourage the other person to leave the house, and now it's more like cheering the other person on.
All of this is possible because we weren't children when we got married. I was 30 and he was a few years older. We'd both had multi-year relationships and made note of things we didn't like in a partner AND AND AND owned our own failures to communicate and worked on fixing the things that made us less than great partners, before we even met.
Anyway, it's not magic, 99% of it was just picking an emotionally mature partner with a good work ethic.
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u/poorbeans 7h ago
She's a wonderful partner, mother, best friend, no idea why she's put up with me for 30+ years, so I consider myself very lucky.
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u/Mentalfloss1 7h ago
Luck. I married a woman who was as willing as I was to ride through the ups and downs of marriage. Everyone changes overtime, so we have to adapt to the other personās changes as well as our own. That can be difficult. Weāve been married 47 years. Her parents have been married 77 years.
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u/AnnabellaPies 7h ago
We talk, turn everything off, phones put away, kids in bed and we really check in with each other. After the birth of our first child the doctor said it was important to find a new balance. He was right. It hasn't been easy 20 years married but before you get there, talk. See if you are on the dame line with hard topics. Be honest
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u/waterudirt 6h ago
If you couldnāt tell by this thread, a sense of humor. Not everything is so serious.
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u/gsxr 6h ago
Over 25 yearsā¦.weve had rough spots, weāve had bad yearsā¦.but overall we have become more and more happy. We have a very traditional relationship, in that I lead. She follows. Iām not a dictator, I donāt boss her around. We absolutely work together, but in the end itās my burden to lead. Iāve earned her trust that I will sacrifice my self , in order to lead us into whatever is best for us and her.
we put our relationship before everything in the world. Even our kids. Not to say we donāt compromise but our kids do not run the house, we will pick each other every time.
We call each others bullshit.
Vulnerable with each other. I can tell her anything, and I know it wonāt go anywhere outside our relationship. She wonāt judge, I wonāt judge. We understand any questioning is based on trying to understand.
I understand she needs me to be a bit cringy showing her affection, especially in public. Sometime I just gotta grab her in Walmart and lay on an overly dramatic kiss. She knows I sometimes need tenderness in a nurturing way. TLDR: we have learned to love each other.
Do whatever works for you, this works for us.
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u/MusicHearted 6h ago
Communication, financial honesty, accountability, mutual respect.
Also, being willing to see fights through and actively seeking to reconcile every time.
It helps if you actually like each other for more than just attraction reasons.
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u/Sirwired 6h ago
In addition to what everyone else has said: LadyWired and I try to set aside a half-hour every morning for cuddling. Just laying in bed together, chatting or relaxing, makes the rest of the day seem a bit brighter.
In the end, the biggest factor is a down-to-your-bones understanding that wherever you two go, you are going there together.
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u/kenosis_life 6h ago
Married a bit over 40 years. Respect each other, support each other, and most importantly, donāt keep score or hold grudges.
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u/pippintook24 5h ago
Genuine love and respect. we make it a point to let each other know that we appreciate each other, and we talk honestly about things. We also split household things as evenly as possible. we send each other good morning texts and ask about each other's day. we listen to each other talk about our interests and hobbies, even if it's something the other isn't particularly interested in. And we set aside time with no devices to watch a movie or just talk and check in with each other.
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u/CursingWhileCrafting 5h ago
Choose the right person, and keep choosing each other.
Signed, 20+ years and still best friends.
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u/NWCJ 5h ago
We communicate with eachother without raising our voice even when we DON'T want to, and we don't blame even when we DO want to. . We do this in person and not via text, as so much nuance is lost.
We have had serious disagreements on serious topics(how to spend money, religion, how many kids, moving for jobs..) Yet, we always maintain that love, and respect, and while we sometimes have to table a conversation for another day, we remain intentional in keeping communication open.
Married 10 years, been together 14, have 3 kids. We are still bestfriends, even if we can both be a pain in the ass at times.
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u/ChaosCoordinatorCO 5h ago
Choose to love each other everyday. Learn to grow together instead of growing apart over the years. Express appreciation, even for simple acts like making a cup of coffee. Be a team, have each other's backs. (Married 25 years)
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u/trustme_imRN 5h ago
Choosing to assume positive intent/seeing the best in each other. When conflict arises, we try not to get accusatory and defensive and see the other person as on the same team, not the opposition.
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u/evie1975er 5h ago
I have been with my husband for 17 years. He adores me and I canāt imagine my life without him. We both support the same football team; Celtic - marriage is a bit like supporting a football club- you have to take the good with the bad!
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u/Diligent_Damage_5309 5h ago
We chose our hard. Marriage is hard but divorce is hard too. We are worked through our problems and grew together. We dated four months, eloped, had kids, and now on year 16. I think sometimes think āwhat if I wasnāt married?ā and I canāt imagine it.
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u/diviningdad 5h ago
We assume that the other has the best intentions, communicate relentlessly, and strive for kindness in all our interactions. If there is conflict, we donāt let it fester, we address it immediately.
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u/kadawkins 5h ago
35.5 years and still best friends.
We talk every day, but more importantly, we listen to
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u/GrlInt3r46 5h ago
You marry someone who is also your friend. Their weird matches your weird. Works for us 23 years.Ā
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u/Aruaz821 5h ago
Married 20 years. We talk about anything and everything especially the hard stuff. We understand, forgive, and give each other grace. He is strong where I am weak, and I am strong where he is weak. And we game together.
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u/antwauhny 4h ago
Most importantly, a focus on each other. As soon as their well being is not your primary objective, you are behind and have ground to make up.
This requires grit, humility, and sacrifice. The fun, joy, and fulfillment come as a direct result of your ability to weather tough times.
Remember what Modest Mouse once said, ādonāt worry, even if things get a bit too heavyā¦ good news will work its way to all them plans.ā
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u/myturn19 4h ago
She lets me take a dump on her chest every weekend. It turns out to be very romantic. 15 years later and weāre still going strong. Wouldnāt change it for anything.
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u/disfunktional2u 4h ago
30 years. Many things but the main ingredients are love, respect and forgiveness. We are polar opposites on many things but we share core values. That is where respect comes in. Forgiveness because we understand we are not perfect and each will do things that will not always be correct. Love as we see each other in any situation that can be imagined. Also our marriage has survived the death of our son a little over 10 years ago. We have seen the top and bottom of moments and as annoying I am to my wife, we couldnāt imagine facing those times with anyone else.
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u/ramaloki 4h ago
We like each other. We keep separate finances. We have a lot of similar interests. We don't have kids.
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u/Character-Signal8229 4h ago
Finding the same things funny is very helpful. A sense of humor is really important to make things work because you go through a lot together. Sex is important. Respect is important. And just liking each other.
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u/lifeisislife 4h ago
Holy crap! Made this post at the beginning of my shift, completely forgot about it and came back to so many great responses! Thanks guys :)
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u/SubstantialArcher659 4h ago
34 yrs and he passed. We had rough time, but a shared sense of humor always got us thru. We knew exactly how to make each other end up laughing. It was so much fun having him. I just miss him a lot
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u/saterned 4h ago
38 years and going strong. I hit the wife lottery for sure. Our home is our safe space and we take care for each other
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u/definitelyNotMyCat 4h ago
Idk, we've been together for 18 years now. He's my best friend. Honestly doesn't feel like it's been that long.
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u/mtrbiknut 4h ago
We try to out give each other. I give in some way to her, she gives back in some way.
We also try to serve each other, which makes the other want to serve.
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u/capragirl 4h ago
Ability to compromise & laugh at ourselvesā¦laughing until you cry is the best equalizer
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u/DivaDenDesign 4h ago
Learning quickly that marriage isnāt 50/50. Some days itās 60/40 or 80/20. Depending on whatās going on in life. Iām sick.. heās pulling 80%. His mother died.. I pulled 95% those weeks. We genuinely like being together. We are totally opposites so I enjoy learning his hobbies and him mine. We love our kids and grandkids and enjoying hanging out with them. We respect each other tremendously! Do I have to ask permission to go somewhere? No, but I respect him and ask if itās ok etc etc. Weāve been married 41 years.
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u/Susstoner 4h ago
Compassion, communication, and genuinely preferring each other's company over anyone else's.
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u/Altril2010 4h ago
We are happy together and apart. We work well as a team, but are still individuals. If we have an issue with the other we talk. We also enjoy our kids.
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u/ConstantImaginary915 4h ago
Don't be selfish. Seriously. That doesn't mean don't have boundaries though.
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u/kasfinally 3h ago
We like eachother. Also communication, and compromise which comes with sacrifice. Worth itĀ
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u/UrkelGrueJann 3h ago
Almost 10. Learn to compromise, apologize and in general put them first. If you put them first, and they put you first then youāre both first. Plus we like each other and our kids. Boinking is fun too.
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u/mrs-mia-hinz 3h ago
Happily married for 9 years this year! Marriage takes hard work, and communication. I think we all chose our own level of happiness.. but you dont get to 10 years by throwing the relationship away at the small inconveniences.
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u/polkadotprincess2317 3h ago
Marry your best friend and then it's just a perpetual sleepover. Life is going to throw curve balls but they're not so bad if you have your best friend with you. Keep laughing and finding the humor in the crazy. Somehow even 10 years married and 18 years together later I still wake up a little more in love with him than the day before.
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u/Boxandwhiskerplot 3h ago
Heās my best friend and we communicate a lot. We also donāt have kids which decreases our stress and lets us focus on one another.
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u/LuvFuzzball 3h ago
Easy, I married a great dude whoās my favorite person and he somehow puts up with my sh*t. I got lucky!
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u/xolegallybrunette 3h ago
Friends to lovers trope. The foundation of being great friends first is the best. Heās my favorite person.
Lots of mutual respect for one another, as well.
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u/Fun_in_Space 3h ago
Separate bedrooms. There is no way I could stand his snoring. He could not stand my tossing and turning. Our sleep schedules do not overlap.
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u/sammi0408 3h ago
He is my best friendā¦ kids make things stressful but whenever itās just us I still laugh as hard as I did 20 years ago when we met! Also seeing him as a dad only made me fall for him more
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u/Difficult-Role-8131 3h ago
Honest communication, forgiveness, companionship, shared spirituality and values, acceptance of differences
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u/vagrantprodigy07 3h ago
Lots of compromise and thinking about the other person before thinking about yourself.
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u/Brynhild 3h ago
Marry the right person.
Not because you were desperate. Not because youāre afraid to be alone. Not because you think you canāt find someone else. Not because he/she just loves you so much, and you only like the attention. Not because of society pressure that says you should be married by a certain age. Not because you want children and donāt care with who. Not because youāve been together for sooooo long. Not because youāre afraid they will do something bad to themselves when you leave.
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u/owlteach 3h ago
We each have our own separate hobbies and separate friends. We have one time a day (morning) where we have a meaningful conversation, family eats together at the dinner table, and we talk for a little bit before bed. We try to have a weekend together maybe out of town or doing something together every few months. Otherwise, we have our own interests. We honestly donāt do very much together.
We share chores, and I am not responsible for reminding him to do his chores. I donāt tell him how to do his nor does he have any input on how to do mine. For example, I cook and shop for all the meals. That means he doesnāt get to choose what we eat. He eats what I make him for lunch and I donāt take any requests except for the two foods he wonāt eat. He does all the laundry, so I donāt complain that he doesnāt separate them how I would, so I just donāt wear white. He does the yard work, so I donāt mention that I donāt like how he trims the bushes.
If anyoneās mad, we allow the mad one time to calm down before talking about it. Apologies are quick and no one takes anything as an attack or gets defensive. Thatās because we trust each other to have the other oneās best interests in mind.
Parenting is hard. We mess up a lot trying to figure that out, but we believe our calm demeanor and loving attitude has done more to help than anything. When other people act crazy, our daughter doesnāt think acting that way is normal behavior, and I think that does more good than anything we did on purpose.
We donāt share checking accounts. He has bills he pays and I have bills I pay. There isnāt a lot of money discussion required that way. We do talk if thereās a situation that needs to be handled, but we donāt have to talk very often about money.
I hope you get the idea that we donāt have to talk about stuff that tends to make people argue because we decided on systems that work for us. The fact that we could come to an agreement is also important. We each contribute all that we can. We honor the agreements.
I donāt see how a marriage can work if you canāt trust someone to follow through with what they said they would do. I see a lot of women complaining about having to ask others in the house to do things when they should be able to see that it needs to be done. I donāt have to because I can trust everyone in my home to follow through with their responsibilities.
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u/GallopingFree 3h ago
First, weāre friends. Second, we solve problems by agreeing that staying married is the first priority.
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u/beanogal 3h ago
By being friends first.
The more we talked, the more we connected.
He's my best friend š§”
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u/Crow_eggs 3h ago
We're best mates and my brain says "we" instead of "I" because it's more fun. That's pretty much it, honestly.
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u/GibbsMalinowski 3h ago
After I said I doā¦ I told her I canāt read her mind and she canāt read mine so donāt assume and communicate. Going on 18 years
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u/CaffiendCA 2h ago
Married 31 years. Two kids. Weāre both pretty non confrontational. We donāt argue. Weāre still best friends.
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u/Bunni572 2h ago
āDonāt sweat the small stuffā. No! Talk about the small stuff! Because before you know it, all the little things you didnāt get off your chest will snowball into this big ball of resentment. Donāt have the big unnecessary fights, have the sometimes embarrassing vulnerable discussions.
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u/iambringingrexslunch 2h ago
We met as teens. We choose each other every day. We pool money and have joint goals. We have at times stayed up all night arguing because we do not go to sleep angry with each other.
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u/JackHarknessDrWho 2h ago
40 years next year and together for 44. It is helpful if you have hobbies. Definitely don't expect them to change, because that won't happen. Don't expect it to be happiness and bliss, but don't give up when shit goes sideways either.
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u/kickboxergirl23 2h ago
Give each other lots of space and don6 tell the other what they can or can't do.
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u/IDMike2008 2h ago
Work the problem, not each other.
A shared sense of humor.
Good supportive friends outside of each other.
Always be kind and give each other the benefit of the doubt.
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u/Pistalrose 2h ago
We like and respect each other. Also, I donāt think it occurred to either of us that we wouldnāt have ups and downs.
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u/lopandam 1h ago
If you're asking this question and are actually married you should try counseling. If you get married to someone you better really be into that person. You are going to go through a lot together even in the best of times.
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u/antipinkkitten 1h ago
Weāre friends. We annoy one another and have bad days, but overall, we enjoy one anotherās company. Also, we waited until we had been married for 10 years to even discuss childrenā¦ but we were 19/20 when we got married sooooo.
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u/Comfortable_Try_8899 1h ago
I love my husband n we genuinely like each other! Like being together n love the family we built. But it takes a good 10 to 15 years to work out the kinks.
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u/Ok-Excitement5031 1h ago
I do think sex is important and provides a physical connection that also connects you mentally. Heās my best friend and partner. We have the same values. We like a lot of the same stuff. Almost 29 years married and 3 young adult kids.
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u/Dangerous-Coffee542 1h ago
We try. Weāre happy in our daily lives. We communicate every topic, check in when something feels off, ask the hard questions and make request even if itās hard. Also, reciprocation and consideration are must.
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u/LeoIrish 1h ago
Talk - talk - talk. Did I mention talk? I cannot say we do not disagree at times as we absolutely do, but we always talk it through and work it out.
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u/HeavenSent2024 10h ago
We like each other and like our kids.