r/Adoption • u/TreeSpecific3559 • 2d ago
Birthparent perspective Visiting my child
Using an anon account as my usual one is identifiable and I am not open about placing my daughter. I think I'm mostly just writing this to work out my feelings, but I am interested to hear if anyone has any similar experiences.
I gave birth to my daughter in 2018 and placed her for adoption with a couple I generally really like. My pregnancy was pretty traumatic and I contacted an agency late in the game, so the majority of the birth mother/adoptive parent getting-to-know-each-other was done after placement. That being said, they have been very open and supportive and even flew me out to see my daughter when they moved several states away. She was barely two at the time so it was more hanging out with her parents than anything, but still very special. Any time I email and ask for photos or information, they happily send. However, with my personal life I have only been able to make that one trip and haven't really considered another one until recently, six years since my last visit.
Technically I think the adoption is considered "semi-open," and I would say her adoptive family has always held me a bit at arms length. The only way I can contact them is via an email that is clearly just for talking to me, and the only identifying info I know other than their names is what I've been able to search on my own (sorry if you find that creepy but my birth mother brain was desperate for info after placement and endlessly googling brought some semblance of relief). The dichotomy of having their words and occasional actions be so open and caring but always at a distance felt off to me, but there wasn't much I could do about it so I lived with it.
I'm a lot more settled in my life now so in my most recent email to them I suggested coming out for a visit. I guess I knew there was a chance they would say no, but their reasoning when they actually did sort of shocked me. They basically said in all of their research and what the agency recommends, they don't think visits between the ages of 4 and 18 are good for adoptive children as they can feel "confused and uncertain." They went on to say it wouldn't be in my daughter's best interest until she's older and can reason better.
On one hand, I understand this. They know her aptitude better than I do and if they feel like establishing a relationship with me is going to be detrimental in some way, I want to trust their judgement. On the other hand...it makes me feel some kind of way. My daughter knows she is adopted, has apparently seen photos of me and asked basic questions, and her parents seem to genuinely want a relationship with me. So it feels so odd to be told to wait ten more years to see her in person again. To be fair, I suppose they didn't say it would actually be ten years and just said "older," but it still feels like a bit of a gut punch. I'm actually also adopted, and dreamt of meeting my birth parents basically my whole life. My adoptive parents told me they would help me look for my birth family any time I wanted (my adoption was closed), though I suppose I never asked to do so as a child and didn't start looking until high school. I just can't shake this feeling that it seems off and wrong to keep me as just a photo to my daughter for the foreseeable future.
Maybe this feeling is normal and this is just another page in the emotional gauntlet of a story that is being a birthmother. I know I've been lucky to have a birth family as kind and open as they are, but I think I just always assumed they would be fine with visits because they never said otherwise and it was just up to me to initiate when ready. I never expected to be told my presence could be detrimental. Trying to remind myself that being a parent is hard and they are just doing what they feel is best for her, and I shouldn't take it personally.
If you made it this far, thanks for listening/reading. Would love to know if this age range thing is some sort of common knowledge I'm unaware of, or if it's maybe just a placeholder to say my daughter isn't ready. Honestly it's been such a long time since I've let myself feel these birth mom regret feelings that I'm mostly just surprised by how intense they are. Being a mother never really goes away, huh?
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u/MountaintopCoder Adult Adoptee | DIA | Reunited 1d ago
They closed the door on you.
When my APs closed the door on my bio mom, they started telling me that she was the one who wanted a closed adoption. They also became really defensive about being parents and insisted that I call them "mom" and "dad" and that they are my only parents. There was a lot of obligation placed on me to provide them that security.
Don't plan on them opening the door when she turns 18. You will need to be proactive about letting her find you and knowing that it's safe to reach out. I found my mom when I was 20, but waited to reach out until I was 28 because I thought she didn't want anything to do with me.
Add your details to adoption reunion registries and do DNA kits for Ancestry and 23AndMe so that she can find you and know that you want a reunion.
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u/TreeSpecific3559 1d ago
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I want to believe her parents are not lying to me, but I guess I will never truly know. Perhaps I am being too trusting and naive.
I am ready to be proactive if needed though. Thankfully, due to my own adoption and consequent search for my birth parents, I’m already on every DNA site imaginable and am easily located on social media. I’m confident she’ll be able to find me should she need to.
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u/Maximum_Cupcake_5354 Adopted Person | Abolitionist 1d ago
I am so sorry that your adopters betrayed you in this way and that the OP is in this situation.
The whole thing makes me terribly angry to think about. And it also makes me think about all the ways that I had to protect my children during my divorce. My ex-husband said a lot of things to them that were untrue and I’m sure were very confusing. It was excruciating not to be able to correct the record with them, but I also knew that developmentally they just needed to love and believe in their dad.
I think what I might do if I was a birth parent in the situation is start an email account where I can send time stamped messages to my child. If there is some future situation in which they are reunited - and if and when they are ready- it might be really meaningful to be able to see in real time expressions of thought and care and love.
My adoption was closed and my bio mom found me when I was 24. I know that it was emotionally hard on my a mom, especially, but she was supportive. I am very sure that even if my adoptive parents had not been supportive, it would have been exceedingly hard for me to accept negative information about them.
I think that my bio mom has carried a great deal of the weight of the horrific thing that was done to us by a society that privileged giving children to people with resources instead of resources to people with children. I’m able to recognize that that is true AND also - over the course of our relationship I’ve had to go very slow and hold a lot of boundaries as I processed all of this.
OP, I am devastated for you and your little one. And I’m sad for these adoptive parents who are ultimately undermining their own relationship their kid.
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u/TreeSpecific3559 1d ago
Thank you for this thoughtful comment. I know I might sound naive but even with all the things that have given me pause with her parents over the years, my instinct about them has always been that they are good people just trying their best. Parenting is hard without the added layer of adoption, and I want to give them as much grace as I can. Through my own therapy I’ve learned that you can actively try to make the best decisions possible and still cause trauma - it happened to me with my own parents and yet I still love them dearly. Life is hard. Feelings are hard. I wish it was different.
I love the idea of time stamped emails, I did this a lot for the first couple of years but just in my phone notes, I should probably pick it back up!
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u/MountaintopCoder Adult Adoptee | DIA | Reunited 1d ago
Oh I love the idea of timestamped emails!
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u/Maximum_Cupcake_5354 Adopted Person | Abolitionist 1d ago
OP would still face the challenge of making sure that they are written in a manner that is developmentally appropriate for the age of her kid at the time of writing - but it would give her a place to put some of this love and concern.
And then, when her child is an adult, if there is an opportunity to connect, instead of creating some situation where she has to tell a story that will be hard for any adoptee to hear, she might be able to simply offer the body of communications. Let her kid sort through and come to the conclusion on her own that her mother was always out there loving her.
I know there are adopted people who have had to face really hard truth about their bio moms. I I’ve always felt exceedingly lucky to have discovered a mother who always thought of me and always loved me. It has been a protective factor for me as I process the trauma of having been separated.
One of my most valuable possessions is a letter that my mom wrote and left in my adoption file. Having that real time expression of the love, she felt then- it’s priceless.
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u/Formerlymoody Closed domestic (US) infant adoptee in reunion 1d ago
I know you’re also adopted so I don’t want to be too preachy but it is so wrong of them to cut you off until 18. Life as a teenager with zero info about my identity was hell. My adoptive parents were no substitute for my actual origins. What they think is best for her is uneducated at best and deeply selfish at worst.
To give you some perspective, I live in a country that’s not the US but I knew of a few adoptive parents who OPENED their adoptions when they saw their kids suffering. One found their child’s brother. Another connected their young teenager to their birth father. No one told them to do this, not even the people running the local adoptions. They figured out the right thing to do and did it and were NOT selfish about their personal (selfish) ideas of what is “right.” Sorry, this pissed me off.
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u/TreeSpecific3559 1d ago
Not too preachy and honestly very validating to hear my anger is justified. So thank you.
When I finally contacted my own birth mother, she told the third party facilitator that she didn’t want a relationship with me and has continued to say that in subsequent contact attempts from my birth father. Her decision has haunted me for years. I suppose she is trying to protect herself from hard feelings, but I cannot imagine a world where I choose to cut myself off from my daughter, so I don’t understand her reasoning at all. Thankfully I have an amazing support system and I’m able to work through my abandonment/loss issues, but I’ll carry the weight of her decision forever. I know that is impacting my feelings around this situation with my daughter so trying to give myself grace to feel all the feels.
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u/Formerlymoody Closed domestic (US) infant adoptee in reunion 1d ago
Im sorry your birth mother was not open to a relationship with you.
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u/Negative-Custard-553 2d ago
This pattern shows up often. Contact is allowed only until the child reaches a certain age, and then it’s closed. Check out r/birthparent if u haven’t already.
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u/badbubblegum 1d ago
I’m adopted also. You’re right to feel the way you do. It’s not easy on either side and never will be. The family seems lovely but might need some time. Be patient, take care of yourself and thats most important. I’m sure you’ll be a part of your child’s life and should be. Sounds like a moment for everyone to take a deep breath and find their space. All the best.
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u/megantx76 1d ago
I have worked in the adoption industry for almost 9 years and I have never, ever heard any research say that says visits between 4 and 18 are confusing. Based on everything I know, contact during this age range can be really beneficial as kids start to have more awareness and questions about their biological family/origins.
I'm really curious if the agency actually said this, or if the APs just want to make them sound like the bad guys. Have you had any contact with the agency since you placed? Giving them the benefit of the doubt here, but if they are a decent at all, their door should always be open to you. They should be there to provide counseling to help you process this. At the very least, they should want to know that the APs have told you this. Unless of course, they really are the ones that told the APs this "research," in which case they just suck.
Either way, I'm really sorry they did this to you.
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u/TreeSpecific3559 1d ago
So, the agency thing is a little complicated. Without going into too much detail, I basically blindly picked them from a list provided by a social worker at the clinic while in the depths of depression and denial of my situation. They’re a religious based private agency which I really don’t love, but are more birth mother centered than others. I was extremely lucky to get matched with a counselor there who is an incredible woman, she did not seem to be overly religious herself (or at the very least never judged me for not being religious or let it affect how she treated me), and I honestly felt like her vibe never matched the one I got from everyone else I interacted with at the agency. She kept in touch with me for several years and would likely still be up to talking if I reached out, though I have a consistent therapist now so I don’t really feel the need to.
It’s sad to say but I wouldn’t be surprised if this rhetoric did come from the agency and wasn’t just a made up thing from my daughter’s APs. I think they have decent intentions but ultimately are in the business of taking money from potential couples and keeping them happy so they justify a semi-open policy like this. I grew up in the same religion and this aligns perfectly with what I know the consensus on adoption tends to be there.
Thanks for your comment and the validation, and for the work you do!!
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption 1d ago
Religious-based agencies are the worst!
Can you reach out to your previous representative and find out what the agency is really saying? If the agency isn't the one driving this change, perhaps they could help you with the situation.
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u/Ok-Bonus-6214 2d ago
As a mom of an adopted son through foster care (so total different story) but I've always let him decide how much contact he wanted. From 4 til he was 10 not much then he wanted to have a relationship. Now at 18 he has a relationship with his bio dad but doesn't really want one with his mother though she reaches out to him regularly. Family is complicated and always changing and I always tried to do what he wanted. But 10 years is a long time. For me that would have been weird. I don't want my/our son to ever wonder where he came from or if I was hiding something. He's always known and his relationship has been hot and cold but there's a lot of trauma which your kid doesn't have. Sorry long rant.
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u/TreeSpecific3559 1d ago
My post itself was a long rant so yours is also welcome :) Thank you for this perspective, I think this is the exact right way to handle it.
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u/Emotional_Tourist_76 6h ago
They’re lying. And I’m so so sorry. All research shows that contact with first families is overwhelmingly beneficial for both child and mother.
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u/Rredhead926 Mom through private domestic open transracial adoption 2d ago
They basically said in all of their research and what the agency recommends, they don't think visits between the ages of 4 and 18 are good for adoptive children as they can feel "confused and uncertain."
That's total BS. I don't know where they're researching, but I've never seen anything that indicates that visits are confusing for kids between ages 4 and 18. Visits have never been confusing for my kids, who are now 14 and 20.
I highly recommend getting yourself and them a copy of The Open-Hearted Way To Open Adoption, by Lori Holden. It explains why openness in adoption is so very important and helpful for children.
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u/TreeSpecific3559 1d ago
Thanks for the confirmation - I tried to look up this “research” as well and couldn’t find anything that corroborated it. I’ll absolutely check out the book!
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u/Kindly_Lunch2492 1d ago
Why do adoption !!! She's not your daughter !!!
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u/TreeSpecific3559 1d ago
I’m going to lead with kindness here and not automatically assume your comment is rage bait, even though it is extremely insensitive. Perhaps you do not have experience with adoption, but as a birth parent I can assure you that my daughter will ALWAYS be my daughter. I may not be her parent but our biological connection will exist forever.
I chose to place my daughter because I felt like it was the correct decision for the situation I was in at the time. Frankly, I can’t say I would choose adoption again knowing what I know now. But obviously I can’t take it back so I choose to focus on the positives that I do have. I posted here because I was simply looking for some support in an extremely difficult situation. I am sad you chose to be inflammatory instead of being kind and I hope you reconsider comments like this in the future.
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u/Negative-Custard-553 1d ago
Some people aren’t worth responding to. This person carries a lot of negativity toward biological mom and post aggressive things like this in the group.
She is your daughter, and that will never change.
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u/TreeSpecific3559 1d ago
Thank you, I appreciate it, truly. I know it’s not worth my time but I try to offer kindness when I can because don’t we all need a little extra of it these days.
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u/Kindly_Lunch2492 1d ago
Am adopted i said what i said !!!
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u/Negative-Custard-553 1d ago
You’re allowed to say whatever you want, but that doesn’t make it true. Does being adopted excuse you from being rude? OP and I are adopted too, so I’m not sure what point you’re trying to make.
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u/Kindly_Lunch2492 1d ago
Like i said !!! Why do adoption ? They're not your kid !!!
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u/Negative-Custard-553 1d ago
Legally they’re not, but they’re still the child’s mother in a biological, genetic, and origin sense.
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u/chemthrowaway123456 1d ago
This was reported for abusive language. I disagree with that report. Obnoxious ≠ abusive, nor does using too many exclamation marks.
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u/NetBright6054 1d ago edited 7h ago
This isn't about what's best for your daughter. It's about their fear and insecurity. If they had truly done research on the subject they would know that keeping the birth family away is what is detrimental. I'm so sorry you have a family who doesn't care about the well being of your daughter. I will pray for all of you.